To be angry with MIL's demand

[Arabiannights01]

My DH has told me that his Mother wants our DS once a month for the whole weekend. I was really startled when my DH decided to whimsically make this statement on putting our DS to bed.

Aibu to be annoyed that: A) she didn't ask me, b) she makes no effort to see DS apart from the odd invitation to a family gathering twice a year, c) sick of hearing the odd snide comment about DS spending more time with my DM, d) think that as An ex social worker she should know better than to place a demand like this.

My DS has just turned two, he is a sensitive little soul and he hates being anywhere without me - it has taken two years for him to settle at nursery.

Another point to make is that they live 60 miles away from us and my DH often works weekends and long weeks so his time with DS is precious and I have told her this before.

AIBU? What would you say to her? Thank you.

My DC used to spend three days with my in laws once or twice a year from about this age. Oh the horror. The awful thing is they now have really good relationships with them and their cousins and aunties and uncles who live about the same distance away as your MiL. You can't have too many people loving your children and I wish I'd had more family in my life in my childhood. And I don't particularly get on with my MiL but my boys adore her, so that's more important to me.

It's true that not everyone brings up their children the same way but that's not necessarily a bad thing either. They soon learn to adapt to different ways of doing things.

And to the poster who said that their mother does things the way they do them, that's true for them but not all mothers. I'd rather chew my arm off than treat my children the way my mother treated me. It's not logical to suggest that all mothers of sons do things worse than mothers of daughters. I'm no more likely to give children whole grapes than someone who happened to have daughters. It's these absurd generalisations that get people's goat. And if you have sons believe me you'll feel the same when they're adults.

I agree that it's normal to speak to your own child first, why wouldn't you just because he has a penis? It's fair enough for you to say no but really why the outrage? She may be thinking she's doing a nice thing. Why not negotiate a better arrangement that suits all of you? Maybe you could go up occasionally and stay nearby and let her spend a bit of 1-1 time to get used to each other. Surely that's what someone who wanted their children to have good relationships with all their grandparents would do?

How does one 'whimsically' make a statement while putting a baby to bed?

anyone else picturing DH doing a Willy Wonka type cartwheel across the nursery before reciting rhyming couplets explaining the request?

You sound incredibly angry with your mil, which is why you’re getting angry responses mirrored back on you. Is there a back story?

@pictish
No way I would have allowed overnights with my mother at that age because I didn’t trust her... experience from my childhood and her weird and constant comments eg about car seats being rubbish - ie it would be better for the child to be dead than injured and getting pissed off with DH and I because I wouldn’t breastfeed dd on my lap in the front while DH drove us all around.

My thought on the subject even if you were considering the request is why on earth would you drive a 2 yo child all that way when they’re in nursery for much of the week and grandma could travel to you? I’m presuming you’re ok for her to stay overnight - or is that an issue?

Bottom line, she is clearly jealous but doesn’t know how to handle it. She possibly wants to establish a good relationship with your ds so I’d focus on helping to facilitate that. So instead of saying no, I’d side step the issue and ask her if she’d like to face time your ds regularly for example.

You know your DM and MIL and do not need to be pressured. Just say no. My 15 month old has just done her first overnight with my parents. She goes for the day to PIL but I wouldn't allow overnight because they try to undermine and fight me on everything - including wanting to buy a battered 2nd hand carseat from facebook, saying DD should be forward facing, bringing her back an hour late and claiming she was screaming because it was dark the car lights were in her eyes (prepping for the forward facing comments) not because she was tired and it was past her dinner time, and constantly going on about she should sleep until 8am as they would use CIO. Sorry but I dont feel bad at all that PIL havent had their 'turn' to have DD overnight because I'm the parent and I have a responsibility to keep her safe. Unfortunately DNA doesn't make you a decent person. Whilst DDs time with my parents is increasing her time with PIL is rapidly decreasing and that's their own fault. They have no interest in getting to know the little person she is and what she needs, only caring about their perceived rights as GPs.

There's no need for any drama. When you see her on Sunday just let her know you're not ready for your DS to be away from you yet so you can't agree to her request. You say your DS has been in nursery for 2 years so does that mean you work too? If so the I'd be even less inclined to allow him sleepover weekends as I'd want to spend some quality time with him after my working week.

Your MIL is only 60 miles away, it's not the other end of the country so not sure why she's not making the effort to see her DGS more regularly?

Something has just dawned on me, despite being on this forum a while. Parents, siblings, children, even the bloody dog are afforded the obligatory 'D' before the acronym, but good old in laws are always just MIL or PIL, never DMIL or DPIL. Even when people have an OK relationship with their in laws they rarely get called 'Dear'. How sad.

TheRobin
I get what you’re saying. However I’ve seen people use DMIL or MFIL etc. I would never use dm or dfil for example due to my personal relationship with them. Dh and dd, yes.

Your DS was in nursery since birth if it's taken him 2 years to settle and he has just turned 2? misses the point. You say your DHs time with his son is precious at weekends, if he is on board with this then that doesn't seem like it's overly true. There could also be more to it, if she doesn't see him much now, could it be DH wants a break and suggested it to her? A no is more than reasonable, but perhaps if she is willing to travel sometimes instead of asking your mum to help out you could ask her? She is an equal grandparent.

My MIL has always endure that I am blamed for anything she believes is untoward. Her darling son could never be the one to say no, or have an opinion, he was clearly under my thumb that I was always the ‘problem’. Funny when they fell out for a year it had nothing to do with me at all but nope ‘he’ has changed and it’s her fault. Not that he simply stepped out of the FOG. Tell your DH to stop putting you in the position to be the ‘bad’ guy

Oh I see so your DM is okay to have your ‘nervous’ and ‘unsettled‘ son (who you shoved into nursery from birth despite not working) once a month but your mil isn’t? No wonder your DP and Mil are pissed off.

DD is 5, we live less than 10 miles from PILs but she has not stayed overnight with them. They babysit but we work full time and want to enjoy our precious weekends with DD.

No is a complete sentence.

I love my DIL dearly, but have not had DGC overnight, although I have babysat for them, and looked after DG1 (at their house, overnight), while DIL and DS were at the hospital having DG2.
I asked my DIL previously, if she could write up DG1 routine, so I would look after DG appropriately.
Obviously, there are lots of things I did differently with my own DG. my DIL is of a younger generation, and of course a different family where things are done differently.
While in their house, I follow their routine, as much as possible. However, that said, I do not think it matters too much, if some things are done differently in different households to a certain extent, as I think young children will get used to that, as long as nothing is dangerous, or you have specific instructions, etc

I would say of course not!

What did he say?!

The point is that a 2 year old would be very scared staying with a relative they don't have a great bond with. It is also fine for a mother to worry about leaving their child with a relative they don't get on well with. If MIL wants to have her GC overnight she needs to build that bond slowly not just expect it. It sounds like your mum has made more effort so you would feel comfortable ish about allowing your mum an overnight stay. I can't see the problem with that. There seems to be a weird expectatation from some that 'rights' exist over children and if one GP gets to see children the other set should! Nope - I would trust some members of my family and not others - that's not my fault!

From your OP only, it sounds obvious that you favour your side of the family and would be happy for your OH's parents not to exist. She approached him because she clearly think you don't like her and ultimately would tell her no. She also doesn't come more often because she doesn't feel welcome by you.

This is not about you though but about your DS who has a right to build a bond with both set of grand-parents. You are using excuses to avoid it.

Of course she can't demand it, but she can make a point that it is unfair she doesn't get to know and bond with your DS. Unless she is clearly a danger, which would be quite unusual for a SS, you owe your DS to make an effort.

A weekend from the start is probably not reasonable, but maybe your OH can start taking your DS there for a day and go from there. You can then agree a compromise, maybe a weekend every 6 weeks, and one day every 4 or something like that.

If your DS comes back miserable and not wanting to go again, then that would definitely be the end of it, but he deserves to decide of his own if he likes the company of his other grandparents.

Just say," maybe when hes older and say no more about it."

'How does one 'whimsically' make a statement while putting a baby to bed?

anyone else picturing DH doing a Willy Wonka type cartwheel across the nursery before reciting rhyming couplets explaining the request?'

Probably has been telling his DM he fancies a break

She can ask and she can demand OP...you do not have to agree to it. Sorry No...is a perfectly reasonable thing to say..

“That doesn’t work for me” + tinkly laugh

OP said........
" To think that as An ex social worker she should know better than to place a demand like this."

I assume you've not had any dealings with any social workers.

@milveychron you sound lovely! Your post reminds me of my mum.

No is a complete sentence.
Just no

@Childrenofthestones .... ds1 social worker wrote in his disability report that my mother is dead and he was upset by that. She is very much alive and rather miffed at being killed off!!

Anyway...back to the thread....

My DP looked after my DC approx every 6 weeks for a weekend from when they were young. But... they saw them loads anyway and l was 100% confident in their care.

It was especially helpful when l had hyperemesis with ds2 and could barely function as ds1 was very happy being with my DP, so they took him to theirs for a few days.

If you're not happy then that is enough of a reason.

@loseyourself not sure why you don’t understand. Nobody needs to justify why they don’t want their 2 year old staying away 1 weekend in 4, many miles away.

Just no. Because.

You sound like you're being very over dramatic about this and creating a problem where there isn't one.

In response to your points
A - why should she ask you instead of just mentioning that she'd like it to her son when she spoke to him? He's the child's parent too, and she probably just speaks to him more than you.
B - you say she makes no effort to see him, but do you actually invite her to see him? You don't sound like you'd be very welcoming to her.
C - if you don't see her that often, the comments can't really be that frequent, and so what if she wants to see her grandson? She loves him, surely it's natural for her to be a little jealous that he has a better relationship with his other granny?
D - it's irrelevant that she was a social worker, and it doesn't sound like she's demanded anything anyway. She's just told her son that she'd like to have her grandson for sleepovers. That's normal! Lots of families have the grandchildren stay over with the grandparents, it's nice!

You weren't there to hear what she's actually said to her son, she could well have meant when he was older, and honestly, the way you've come across I can see why she'd want to be able to have a relationship with her grandchild that isn't entirely dictated by you, you clearly don't like her.