To be angry with MIL's demand

[Arabiannights01]

My DH has told me that his Mother wants our DS once a month for the whole weekend. I was really startled when my DH decided to whimsically make this statement on putting our DS to bed.

Aibu to be annoyed that: A) she didn't ask me, b) she makes no effort to see DS apart from the odd invitation to a family gathering twice a year, c) sick of hearing the odd snide comment about DS spending more time with my DM, d) think that as An ex social worker she should know better than to place a demand like this.

My DS has just turned two, he is a sensitive little soul and he hates being anywhere without me - it has taken two years for him to settle at nursery.

Another point to make is that they live 60 miles away from us and my DH often works weekends and long weeks so his time with DS is precious and I have told her this before.

AIBU? What would you say to her? Thank you.

"he is not a toy nor a family pet, nor a game of pass the parcel. Not happening."

Well, I want my own private Caribbean island, but that's not going to happen either. Just say 'No, we'll decide when he's ready for that and let you know.'

Just for a contrasting view, my ILs look after my DS (2 year old) every Thursday, and we'd be quite happy for them to have him once a month for a weekend. But then my ILs would do absolutely anything for my DH (or me for that matter).

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to talk to her son rather than directly to you but the rest you are not being unreasonable about.

You should discuss it with your DP but my position would be that she needs to put a lot more effort into building up a relationship with him (i.e. coming around and spending time with him while you're there and have that lead into spending longer and longer with him without you, taking him on day trips, etc. adapting as you see how he reacts) before he goes to stay with her and, in any case, such stays will need to be at your mutual convenience, not simply some set schedule that suits her which, since your husband has eratic work would cut into his time and your family time too deeply.

But involved grandparents are generally great for kids and parents too, so it is probably worth taking this offer as a genuine starting point and really trying to make it work.

Set firm boundaries! No way. Don’t let her dictate your life. They are your kids!

My MIL demanded that she spent every Sunday with our DS. She quickly got told where to go. This was shortly before we went totally NC after DH had some very dodgy memories resurface about his past, and his realisation that she had never been a good parent, and infact was an abysmal one.

I’d be glad of a weekend off to be honest!

@saraclara I’ve not seen threads on here of posters own parents demanding overnight contact with babies and toddlers.

I can’t fathom anyone beside parents wanting a very young child overnight, never mind regularly.

It’s a chore having a young child overnight. Getting them to go to sleep & stay asleep and not wake up at 4am all bright eyed an bouncy. Or tearful and throwing a tantrum. Or wailing several times throughout the night for water, wanting a wee, wanting daddeeee. Wanting not to be asleep etc

My MIL took care of DD overnight when I was in hospital having baby. DD did not sleep at all despite SIL helping. She finally fell asleep when DP came home and she was with him again.

I’d not want to hand over my baby to anyone for regular overnights in-law’s or my own parents or best friend or anyone.

And I’d not want to take anyone’s child overnight either unless it was as a favour. Definitely wouldn’t be demanding it of reluctant parents.

I may have grandchildren in the future. I won’t be demanding regular overnight contact.

I quite like sleep, I also like handing dc back to their parents after playing with them and spoiling them.

WTF

Message MIL saying that your DS will not be able to spend weekends with her because he's too young.

That's the end.

Doesn't matter if your dh has agreed or anything like that. It's your choice because essentially either parent has the power to veto something like this.

Stick to it, ignore any shit that comes back. Get your husband to stop agreeing to random demands without checking with you.

@frazzledasarock - I don't envisage asking for overnight stays either (I have daughters thank goodness - ever since I joined MN I've been extra grateful for that). But I'm taking issue with other people's posts that only mention their kids staying with MILS as being unreasonable.

While I dont think you're unreasonable, as I don't send my daughter to stay with my mum (my MIL sadly passed away) for no reason, could you compromise? Say one whole weekend a month is a little too much, but one night every now and then would be ok? Or next time you have plans would she have him? Instead of instantly choosing your mum? That must really hurt some mum's of grown men, as these children are as much their grandchildren as the other grandparents, but are more often than not relegated to second place

This one seems to be like everyone and no-one is being unreasonable! Meet in the middle somewhere, as someone up thread mentioned, you'll be desperate for childcare in the near future and handling this poorly will come back to bite you in the backside! Unless there is a massive backstory between you and MIL then I think a fair and reasonable compromise can be reached

Why are women so desperate to see their mothers in law off?

@pictish while their own mothers have full access.

I don't get it either.

This thread sucks.

@AhNowTed

I don’t think Op is saying there is anything wrong in Mil spending time with Dc but it’s a jump from spend very little time with a small child to wanting to take them all weekend.

@pictish you’re mum took you’re little one for you but did your MIL? it’s different.

For me I find I worry less when my dc is with my own DM because obviously I recall how my mum looked after me and naturally I find my parenting style is quite close to hers. With MIL I had no prior experiences of her in mother mode until I had my own children and she’s very different. Not wrong ( well for most of the time)

There’s nothing wrong with a grandparent wanting to spend time with a little one but a day out or a visit would allow them to do this. I don’t know many 2 year olds that want to be apart from mummy.

I think the generalisations on here about people's attitudes to their MILs are just an unhelpful as the generalisations people tend to make about MILs themselves. Behind every post complaining about a MIL on here, there's likely to be a whole ton of subtext that we on MN aren't party to, so what use are all this divergences away from the facts of the thread to bemoan the lot of the MIL in general? Just saying.

@frazzledasarock I cannot fathom all these in laws wanting overnight contact with a baby/toddler on their own without parents present. I mean why?

I think it is always a case that the DIL never considers that they could be toxic (or to use the usual turn of phrase narcissistic ) themselves (not saying you are OP). The MIL would like to bond with her grandchild without the DIL making her feel uncomfortable. A relationship is always a two way street and to be honest when someone posts a MIL complaint on here and says she is nice here, she is good there but she is an absolute headfuck in this area, then it is a discussible problem. When someone comes on and says my MIL is a narc, this is her latest then the problem still lies in the person describing the problem. In your scenario OP, she probably dislikes you as much as you dislike her.

@TokenGinger, I agree with all you have said.

I'd take it as an opportunity to have a night out, Jesus I wished for many years someone would want my kids overnight , no takers unfortunately. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and remember, you child is half your husbands too, his family to him more than yours, so I don't know, let go a little maybe, you might benefit from it yourself.

You should just ignore.

It is between dh and mil. And he needs to say no. Not because she is a mil, but because of her other unreasonable behaviours you mention.

If it comes up on Sunday as a group just ignore or say dh and I agreed it is too early, and change the subject.

sic his family mean more to him than your sorry left out a word

I always encouraged both sets of gparents to spend time with my DCs without me there. When they were small I'd just go off to another room, or to shops if we were out with at a cafe or something. I felt that the bond they formed was less constricted when I wasn't there. When they were older they stayed overnight etc. Children aren't the possessions of their parents and time with adult relatives who are not parents is generally a good thing imo.

You could see this as a compliment that DH would like to spend time with you just as a couple?

I don’t get this difference between the attitude towards your DM or DMIL. I have a grand daughter aged 3 who stays over usually one night every couple of months. My son and his partner lived with us until she was 6 months so we were a big part of her life from the start. Sadly my son and his partner split up but we luckily have a good relationship with his ex, sometimes we look after our granddaughter on her mum’s time at her request sometimes on her dad’s time, if he has, very rarely, something on when he has her EOW. Sometimes we ask to have her because we just love spending time with her, she absolutely loves her grandad, in particular, so much.
I’m the same person looking after the same child but i’m DM for some of those times but DMIL ( the equivalent) the other times.

@Hotwaterbottle01

Where I have issue with your position is you state that you know how your mum parented you. But what you're not acknowledging is that the MIL parented the father. And she has as much ' right' to be a hands on granny as the mothers mum does.

It bothers me that the mother feelings override the fathers when it comes to granny's involvement, like her wishes usurp those of her husband, just because she's the mother.

It’s too much of a jump from the current contact to a whole weekend. My mum (no in-laws as they had passed away) had my dd one day a week from 6 months old to help with childcare, and because although she lives 25 miles away she wanted a strong bond with her. That has now changed into one night at a weekend once a month because both dd and my mum didn’t want to lose that special relationship when she started school.

It gives me some time to blitz the house and some headspace (lone parent) and they really enjoy it.

But that is my situation, what does your DH think about it?

I would be quite happy with the freedom one weekend a month to be honest. I love my son more than words can describe but a weekend where he goes off with grandma and I can watch TV and eat without being poked in the back constantly sounds like heaven 😂

Ignore her unless this is a specific request which your DH thinks he has to answer. If he does, tell him you expect him to tell his mother that HE (not you) is not prepared to agree to this.