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To be pissed off with 'the man should pay' types?

362 replies

wimbmumma · 11/11/2019 19:52

I just find it so outdated! The only time I've ever let the man pay was, coincidentally, on my first date with my ex husband. Doesn't even cross most of me and my friends' minds that you should split it (if it is a dinner date that is) but A LOT of the schoolmums feel very differently, as they made abundantly clear at a coffee morning... so AIBU to find them a bit annoying and utterly stuck in the 19th century

OP posts:

ISmellBabies · 11/11/2019 19:58

Meh. While there's still a pay gap between men and women I don't think I can get too worked up about this. Why should women always have the shit end when it comes to inequality!


Nonstopbuttmachine · 11/11/2019 19:58

Bloody drives me mad! I have a friend who goes on dates and insists 'Well, HE wants to meet ME therefore he should pay!


RolytheRhino · 11/11/2019 20:04

I believe the etiquette currently is for women to offer to pay and for men to refuse and then pay themselves. In my circles anyway.

I have no issue with it. As PP said, pay gap etc- I presume the tradition came about because women would have less money to spend, on average? While that holds true I think the tradition is defensible.


Batqueen · 11/11/2019 20:05

I don’t really like splitting on dates, I’d rather do a your round, my round type thing and then a few dates in maybe I get tickets, they get dinner or vice versa. I have split before but I don’t want to get into the habit of being in a relationship where costs are split down the middle as to me that feels less like a partnership and I don’t track money that closely with my close friends so why would I with a boyfriend?

With my dp, he usually apps for restaurants and picks them because he’s a foodie. I love picking activities so tend to pay for that. We then pay for bills etc out of our join account. It tends to work out.


NotaWagon · 11/11/2019 20:07

I guess it is your audience.
I think women should be paid equally and should not be an unpaid army that society depends upon. An unpaid army cant pay for half their dinner!!


wimbmumma · 11/11/2019 20:07

I think that might be getting a little too deep into it, considering that would only make sense economically if you selected a man and woman completely at random from the population... In reality I feel it's much more likely I'll end up on a date with someone who earns around the same, if not less, than me.

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GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/11/2019 20:07

I think having any hard and fast rules for a social situation is weird. Surely it's a combination of who invited who, who earns more, who chose the venue etc.

Millionaire man inviting a waitress to dine in a top restaurant in Paris - he should pay.

A couple who started out as friends and then decide to go on a date should probably share, however if the woman earns 10x the man and orders lobster and champagne while he has a salad and water then I'd expect her to pay


Ronnie27 · 11/11/2019 20:08

I’d rather a man paid on a first date. It shows manners and that they expect to treat you well etc. I’d always offer though just to see if he refused, I think it’s a good measure. Grin

I would of course then pay for the second date. Or if I didn’t like him and didn’t want to see him again I’d insist on paying or splitting.


wimbmumma · 11/11/2019 20:08


OP posts:

Puppybum · 11/11/2019 20:09

I think perhaps everyone has different experiences. Where I grew up in the 80s the men used to have good factory or mining jobs. Most girls my age it was just shop work. The men always paid


GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/11/2019 20:13

The pay gap refers to people doing the same roles and doesnt normally kick in til women have children. Before then its pretty equal and I've read recent studies that female graduates out earn males.

I'm think that expecting a man to pay for dinner actually exacerbates the entrenched gender roles instead of challenging them so maybe its indirectly unhelpful for the gender pay gap


littlehappyhippo · 11/11/2019 20:17



However, I have noticed that the men who think women should pay their own way because 'they fought for equality yada yada...' don't seem to take that same equality into account when it comes to housework and childcare.

Indeed IME, the 'women fought for equality so they can pay for their own shit' type of man is most likely to be the sort who won't lift a finger in the house, (OR do his share of childcare,) because 'it's woman's work.....' Hmm

So you men who think women should always pay half for everything, will you pull your weight, when it comes to housework, cooking, washing up, ironing, shopping, etc etc etc, and looking after the kids???!

Because you better had if you think 'women should pay their way!!!' Because, ya know..... 'EQUALITY............' Wink


mrsmuddlepies · 11/11/2019 20:22

You are completely right @GettingABitDesperateNow . Younger women out earn men. It is only when women have children and go part time that the gender pay gap kicks in.
Some women insist on being paid for as if they are a prize. It demeans women and makes it seem that you can put a price on women. Yuk


JenniferM1989 · 11/11/2019 20:26

You aren't a man so it won't ever happen to you so I don't see why you're even bothered?


OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/11/2019 20:29

Used to be that splitting the bill was a sign the parties weren’t interested.
I personally like generosity- and would equally pay for drinks or dinner on a date.

A friend of mine is dating a guy who buys his own drink from the bar and she buys hers every time they meet- some say fair I say stingy!


Northernsoullover · 11/11/2019 20:32

If you don't like the fella for goodness sake don't let him pay. I know thats not what you asked but I think this is CF territory.


GrumpyHoonMain · 11/11/2019 20:35

On a first date a man who really likes you and wants another date will want to impress you. That often means offering to pay - it’s entirely up to the woman if she wants to accept that or not. Nobody needs to judge


wimbmumma · 11/11/2019 20:38

@JenniferM1989 that doesn't make any sense? I'm a woman, who goes on dates, and therefore experiences paying for said dates.

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AhNowTed · 11/11/2019 20:40

It's hard to believe that any woman still thinks that way, but depressingly some still do.


ahhgoongoongoonhaveacupoftea · 11/11/2019 20:43

I love a free lunch me 😂 or breakfast, dinner snack etc


tequilasunrises · 11/11/2019 20:48

Think back when my DH and I were dating he’d never let me pay. I’d offer of course but even now he’s one of those sneak away to the bathroom and pay the bill types. I do think it’s sweet and gentlemanly but I always make sure I treat him once in a while too.


tequilasunrises · 11/11/2019 20:48



DisorganisedOrganiser · 11/11/2019 20:52

I absolutely think the man should pay. I’m not single but it would be a dealbreaker for me on dates if I was. I also think men should hold doors, say ‘ladies first’ and generally be chivalrous. However, that attitude is not exactly popular on here.


moita · 11/11/2019 20:53

I had a friend who thought like this. She also once said to me that she didn't respect any man who couldn't change a tyre - she was horrified when I said my DH would call the AA out for that Grin

She's 33 and still looking for a knight in shining armour type.


SimonJT · 11/11/2019 20:57

A colleague goes on 2-3 dates a week and regularly brags about it being easy free food/drink. Her record is three in one day!

My partner and I spit the bill the first few times we met, after a little while we started taking it in turns to pay.

Personally I don’t like it when adults don’t pay their way, don’t want to pay for food or drink, then either don’t go on a date or go on a free activity.

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