To be pissed off with 'the man should pay' types?

[wimbmumma]

I just find it so outdated! The only time I've ever let the man pay was, coincidentally, on my first date with my ex husband. Doesn't even cross most of me and my friends' minds that you should split it (if it is a dinner date that is) but A LOT of the schoolmums feel very differently, as they made abundantly clear at a coffee morning... so AIBU to find them a bit annoying and utterly stuck in the 19th century

I'd avoid someone who refused to let me pay my way. It's a straight up red flag that's served me well. It quickly rules out the guys who will have issues with you out earning them.

I believe the etiquette currently is for women to offer to pay and for men to refuse and then pay themselves. In my circles anyway

Eh?

Must be expensive for men to do OLD if there is an expectation they pay for 1st date, particularly if there are having a number of first dates.

Ah yes, the old faux "offer" to go dutch.

If I didn't like the man and didn't want to see him again, I'd push very hard to pay half.

And it's not looking in to it too deeply OP to say that this has persisted because women earn less, not sure if it was me that you were saying was looking in to it too deeply. It suits society that a hidden army make themselves financially dependent on men instead of insisting that their job be given equal priority and insisting their pay equal and insisting they do not more than 50% of housework and childcare. We are not there yet.

@Aridane most first dates are a drink, or even just coffee.

All together now, sisters!

What do we want?

Equality!

When do we want it?

Err, only when it suits us! We definitely want it at work, but not when we are dating, if that’s ok....

The hypocrisy dressed up as wanting chivalry is astounding.

He's a stingy bastard if he doesn't pay, but you can sit on your hands like a dummy when the bill comes.

Mumsnet : by people with double standards, for people with double standards.

AgeLikeWine too true!

@AgeLikeWine

All together now, sisters!

What do we want?

Equality!

When do we want it?

Err, only when it suits us!

Very interesting little quip there.....

Similarly a mantra from (some) men is ........

All together now, brothers!

What do we want?

Equality!

When do we want it?

Err, only when it suits us!

Whaddya mean fella???

I mean women can pay their own fat-ass way, but when it comes to childcare and housework, we will be busy with our many time consuming hobbies, or 'working' an awful lot of extra hours.

As I said earlier, the 'women fought for equality, so they can pay their own way' type of men, don't seem to like equality when it means them pulling their weight around the house or with the childcare!

@littlehappyhippo

So because you've landed yourself with a man who doesn't pull his weight, that's carte blanche for women to not pay their way on a date?

And therefore consign themselves to a subservient position, ripe for the very treatment you describe?

Come on.

I've always hated the "man pays" concept. It's always felt as if the woman is thereby objectified and reduced to a service to be paid for, trading food and drink for potential sex. Horrible 1950s misogynistic overtones.

I like it when DH pays when we're out, I don't know why, it feels like he's treating me. It's irrelevant for us as he uses the same joint account or joint credit card as me and hands me the receipt afterwards for accounting.
On a first date, I'd insist on paying for myself. I don't want to be bought.

@WalkAwaySugarbear totally different when you're married - that's family money.

A date - you pay your own way.

As the relationship matures, I would expect you throw in your half, or take turns, and I'll caveat that by saying any penny pinching about small amounts on either side is also a big turn off.

The bloke i dated who went 50/50 on dates but also made it clear that if we were to move in together it would be a 50/50 split even though i earned a lot less also used to time me in his shower when ever i stayed the weekend insisting i only took 3 mins no more With my long thick hair that was impossible

The best bit was the Imodium idea so he wouldnt have to buy any extra bog roll.

Splitting the bill is no guarantee that a man believes in equality.

Id be happy to split the bill but after my experience i would be alert for anything similar to my previous experience

Another example to show that splitting the bill doesnt mean he believes in equality.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3577265-To-tell-him-to-go-back-at-the-1850-s

Where has @littlehappyhippo said that her DH is like that.

Incidentally @littlehappyhippo Totally agree. And would like to add that i wonder how many of those men who are true believers in equality would be happy for a date to turn up with unshaved legs.

I'm with @Ronnie27 on this - if a man asks me out and the date goes well, I would generally expect him to pay. From my POV, it's not me letting a man pay for me, it's a promise that I'm happy to see him again, as if he's paid for the first date, I surely owe him the cost of the second.

If I know I have naff all interest in seeing him again, I'll either insist on splitting or paying for the bill myself. Because I don't want to end our interaction in the position of me owing him anything - we're done.

I'd always be prepared to pay for the whole cost though for both of us though - I'd never let someone take me somewhere I couldn't easily afford on a first date.

@HelenaDove

"Another example to show that splitting the bill doesnt mean he believes in equality."

Splitting the bill shows that you do.

I read your link. It proves nothing other than he expect her to do everything, and she was appalled.

We are married now, but now and even back when dating, whoever invites pays. I make more than he does and have always done more of the inviting anyway. Money issues in the beginning bodes badly for the future.

Meh, the person who asks the other out on a date should be the one to pay IMO 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sex shouldn't come into it.

I think it’s not equal or narrowing the pay gap expecting men to pay for women they are romantically involved with. It’s carrying on the same old sexist nonsense that women need men for a meal ticket and men can buy women.

I always split the bill same as with my friends. Why wouldn’t I?

Yes i know it shows that i do. Lot of good it did me with Imodium man.

But i still would split it if i was in that situ again but would make it clearer i wouldnt tolerate sexist behaviour.

But what gets me is you never see a lot (NAPALT before anyone starts) of these believers in equality posting on the threads where single mums are struggling to afford school uniforms or the thread about how housing is unaffordable for many women or the threads about the CMS crap service,

There was a pinned guest post on here not long ago about the CMS (PINNED) and apart from myself there were not many posters on there posting who wernt directly affected by it.

I think the sinister truth is that the only equality many want to get on board with is making sure women pay their way .

The rest of it? Nah not so much . Not so interesting when it doesnt involve berating women for not paying, Which cant be done on the threads ive mentioned.

@formerbabe