To be pissed off with 'the man should pay' types?

[wimbmumma]

I just find it so outdated! The only time I've ever let the man pay was, coincidentally, on my first date with my ex husband. Doesn't even cross most of me and my friends' minds that you should split it (if it is a dinner date that is) but A LOT of the schoolmums feel very differently, as they made abundantly clear at a coffee morning... so AIBU to find them a bit annoying and utterly stuck in the 19th century

[NorthEndGal]

When I was dating, I expected the man to pay, as dh did, if they invited me out.
Been married 20 plus years, he still pays.
I dont tell anyone else how to date, or worry about who pays for their meal, and it shocks me someone would worry about mine.

[Bluntness100]

It doesn't piss me off, but I wouldn't look at women who want to be paid for simply because they are women with any form of respect.

Not my bag at all,

[thepeopleversuswork]

DisorganisedOrganiser

Ladies first? Yuck. Does anyone actually say that without irony these days?

I think the general rule should be 50/50 but if there's a big pay disparity it makes sense for the higher-earner to pay over the odds.

As a general principle, though, I agree: I think anyone who thinks the man automatically has to pay because its "chivalrous" is basically signalling that they are prepared to be treated like a child.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

It does amuse when women who absolutely refuse to open their purse on a date are usually the first to start to start labelling a man 'tight' for splitting a bill.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

It’s the double standards that get me. A man is called tight if he doesn’t pick up the bill but not the other way round.

I’ve never subscribed to the men pay thing, likewise the only men work and hopefully my children won’t ever have that mindset.

[Sorrywhat]

Chivalry wins every time.

Some of us like some traditions from the 19th century. Just because you don’t it doesn’t mean your opinion is the way we all should be. But by all means be annoyed about it, I’d still expect the man to pay whether you frown at it or not.

[SpamChaudFroid]

Where are all these men who pay for everything? Throughout my life men have preferred and sometimes expect me to pay for them

I just ditched a platonic male friend because he would always shuffle behind me at the bar/coffee shop till and tag his order onto mine quickly so the cashier would think I was paying for both of us and ring it through accordingly.

The same man has no job, and persuaded his partner to sell her house and move in with him and pay his mortgage and presumably all household expenses including his spending money. He even jokingly compares himself to the sexist term, "ladies who lunch". Nah mate, how about cocklodgers that lunch.

Makes a change to level the whataboutery at the poor menz.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Some of us like some traditions from the 19th century

[RoomR0613]

As an early 20 something year old with a good job, the world at my feet and no massive effort to look nice required on my behalf I tended to insist on splitting the bill. We were equals in that situation usually.

As a late 20/early 30 year old who had to specially buy something flattering, spend a bit more on looking nice I wasn't hugely offended if they picked up the bill, at that point they were probably starting to pull ahead if me in earnings.

Married with kids. He fucking pays. I've sacrificed my career, my earning power, my vagina, my sleep and my waist. He pays.

[SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine]

PanGalaticGargleBlaster

Brilliant!

[ComtesseDeSpair]

Apart from anything else, a man opening his his wallet at the start of a relationship is absolutely no indicator of him being any good: there are countless threads on here written by women who say that when they first met the asshole of a man who it turns out has been cheating on them / is already married / is a complete manchild, he “treated them beautifully / like a princess / spoiled them.”

I pay my way because I don’t want or need to be beholden to anybody and if I’m on a date with someone I quite like I want him to know I’m spending time him for the pleasure of his company, not because I want freebies.

[Dieu]

I wouldn't be impressed with a guy not offering to pay on the first date. BUT I would always pay on the second, and take turns thereafter. It's just that I abhor stinginess, and a guy paying on the first date gets things off to a smooth and happy start. I definitely wouldn't expect this to continue however!

[Dieu]

Oh, and I would always insist on going halves if I had no intention of seeing him again. I'd feel too bad to let him pay.

[PurpleDaisies]

It's just that I abhor stinginess, and a guy paying on the first date gets things off to a smooth and happy start.

Can you not see the hypocrisy in this? You abhor stinginess but you expect someone else to pay for you?

I’m embarrassed by women who expect men to pay for them simply because they’re women.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

I wouldn't be impressed with a guy not offering to pay on the first date. BUT I would always pay on the second

What if you did not want to go on a second date?

[thepeopleversuswork]

ComtesseDeSpair

"Apart from anything else, a man opening his his wallet at the start of a relationship is absolutely no indicator of him being any good: there are countless threads on here written by women who say that when they first met the asshole of a man who it turns out has been cheating on them / is already married / is a complete manchild, he “treated them beautifully / like a princess / spoiled them.”

Abso-bloody-lutely. In fact I'd go further than that and say there's usually a correlation between men who "treat her like a princess" when they're in the initial stages and then slip into being mysoginists/cheats/cocklodgers when they've got their feet under the desk.

[Dieu]

Why would what other women do, or expect, concern you so much?

I am a generous person, and expect the same quality in a partner.

I am embarrassed at some of the stinginess I read about in general on here; people not getting their own niece or nephew a Christmas present, etc. I can't imagine this in a million years. And I speak as a single mother of 3 children, on a low income.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with gender.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Apologies, missed your second post dieu

[StrawberrySquash]

I'm an adult, I have a job. I expect to pay my own way. If I don't expect equality here, I don't see how I can expect it when it comes to childcare / housework etc. We are setting up expectations here; let's set good ones!

[Dieu]

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

Then I would go halves, as explained in my second post.

[Dieu]

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

Sorry, crossed posts!

[NotaWagon]

@littlehappyhippo this is true. The men who are angry that ''women can't have it both ways'' don't like women and don't enjoy being generous.

[Thistle23]

My husband would never let me pay for anything on a date when we first started going out .

[thepeopleversuswork]

I would avoid a man who felt he had to pay for everything like the plague tbh. A man who is uncomfortable with a woman paying her own way is going to be uncomfortable with her having any of her own financial autonomy, which is a fast road towards financial dependency at best, control and abuse at worst.

Generosity is great -- if a man wants to pay for me to do things I enjoy with him that's going to endear him to me. But that's a very different proposition from a man who doesn't want me to pay.

A man who doesn't want me to pay is basically saying he wants to be the one in control, he wants me in my place and he will not want me to have any control over my money, my life, my body. Fuck that.