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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with 'the man should pay' types?

362 replies

wimbmumma · 11/11/2019 19:52

I just find it so outdated! The only time I've ever let the man pay was, coincidentally, on my first date with my ex husband. Doesn't even cross most of me and my friends' minds that you should split it (if it is a dinner date that is) but A LOT of the schoolmums feel very differently, as they made abundantly clear at a coffee morning... so AIBU to find them a bit annoying and utterly stuck in the 19th century

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 12/11/2019 12:54

@matcatwomanheresheis oooppp you wouldn't enjoy my company then Grin

Dowser · 12/11/2019 13:02

When my husband, partner at the time became redundant we would put so much money into a joint purse to pay for coffees, snacks, cinema when together ...in fact I think we did this before redundancy
If eating at his, he bought food and I bought for my house
So much nicer than splitting things

PurpleDaisies · 12/11/2019 13:05

So much nicer than splitting things

But that is splitting things, just done in a different way. We have a joint account now so it doesn’t matter which of us physically pays for dinner.

I don’t think anyone has argued for couples bringing their own food, or paying when they’re eating at each other’s houses.

MeTheCoolOne · 12/11/2019 13:06

I'd open a door for anyone too regardless of sex or age. I think it would be a rude type of person who would only hold open a door it the other person happened to be a woman (or old I suppose)

If I'm in a lift I either offer for everyone to get off before me, or do it in order. (Ie let people who got in first get off first) I think choosing who to offer to go first based on there gender is old fashioned.

SallyWD · 12/11/2019 13:11

I have a friend who says she's a feminist but she very much wants to be put on a pedestal and treated like a princess by men. I'm sad to say her relationships don't last very long. I feel if only she could see herself and her male partner as equal human beings and not feel she should be worshipped by them she might have more success. I would akways offer to split the bill with a man or take it in turns to pay.

Fibrofighter · 12/11/2019 13:12

I completely agree OP!
I never assume the man should pay, I'm there to enjoy his company, not treat him like a cash machine! If he offers and really insists, that's lovely but it's not an automatic entitlement!!
Sometimes I treat my SO by paying, sometimes he treats me, sometimes we split. True equality which isn't unromantic ally scrutinising and keeping tabs on everything.
(and yes I earn less than him).

easyandy101 · 12/11/2019 13:14

Never really been the dating type. There's one girl i go out for lunch or dinner with sometimes and if i ask her out i pay and if she asks me out then she pays.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/11/2019 13:15

yeah it isn't a matter of literally splitting the bill in half, it's more of a "You got the last one, I'll get this" type thing

PurpleDaisies · 12/11/2019 13:17

If he offers and really insists, that's lovely but it's not an automatic entitlement!!

Why is it lovely to “really insist”? What message does that send?

I would always offer to split the bill with a man or take it in turns to pay.

Again, the language we’re using is problematic. “Offering to split” means the expectation is still that the default is that the man is supposed to pay. It’s like women wanting “help” from their SO around the house when really they want them to do their fair share.

matcatwomanheresheis · 12/11/2019 13:28

Purple - re- the swearing men in the train, they were disgusting tbh. How they think it’s ok to behave like that, I don’t know. Plus I think they were with their wives! Literally the f word in every sentence and these men were in their 40s /50s. I can only assume some men are totally clueless. How do they get through life? I did half stand up and glare at them (they were in the seats behind me) and they did stop. But why should I have to do that? I think some people just have no standards or maybe they think they’re hilarious .

Courtney555 · 12/11/2019 13:31

I'd never assume the man would continually pay date after date after date. But I do think it's chivalrous and indicative of not being tight (I hate tight/stingey). I don't mind contributing, my time, financially etc, I'm happy to cook something costly and time consuming at home. As long as the effort is reciprocated. And as DH can't cook, his equivalent during the dating phase was to take us to nice eateries. It wasn't so much about him paying for everything (although he did) it was more the recognition that I'd spend hours and perhaps £60-£100 on a three course meal with wine, so he'd do the same, except it would be in a restaurant.

That was only during dating though. Once in a proper relationship, food costs just got pooled.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/11/2019 13:33

I spent quite a while living in Sweden early in my career and the whole who pays for things was never an issue, it was expected that everyone paid their own way, be it going out with friends or on a date. In any bar or restaurant the staff come bill time will know exactly who had what and would present the card machine to each person with their share of the cost. It is such a non issue and quite refreshing. No issues like the person who drank water all evening being expected to subside the boozers at the end of the table or the CF expecting their whole lobster to be paid in part by the person who had the cheap vegetarian option.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/11/2019 13:38

I do think it's chivalrous and indicative of not being tight (I hate tight/stingey)

Given that you are reluctant to open your purse on said date what does that make you? Tight or stingy? Or both?

Courtney555 · 12/11/2019 13:42

@Pan

It certainly makes me able to read a full paragraph and not pointlessly copy and paste a section out of context Grin

Literally the first thing I said was that I'd never assume the man was going to pay.

Bravo Grin

bgmama · 12/11/2019 13:50

Courtney yes you said that and then dedicated the rest of your post on why you didn't pay your way when you started dating your husband.

matcatwomanheresheis · 12/11/2019 13:55

I’m trying to put into words why I would find men who wouldn’t want to pay on the first few dates a turn off. I think it’s a combination of a few things, tbh. Firstly, I think it kind of creates more of a “mates” dynamic which, while all well and good, isn’t the sexiest thing in the world, let’s be honest. It can be very attractive to have a man who will naturally take the lead in some ways, without making a hoo haa about it. Secondly, I think, subconsciously, it warns of the kind of man who down the line would always hold back on you and I don’t want that kind of relationship. I am very clear about that. Emotionally or financially. For instance, if you were pregnant or on maternity they’d be resenting you not paying your way or something along those lines, where I think it should come naturally to a man to want to support his family at certain times. So any sign they are curmudgeonly, I’m off, frankly. I couldn’t be doing with it.
As women, I don’t think we consciously think these things at the time, but nevertheless, this is probably why certain dating rituals still persist. They do say 80% of behaviour is unconscious after all!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/11/2019 13:55

@Courtney555

But you will judge him very neagtively if he does not pay on a first date despite your caveat. Your expectation, for the bloke to advance to date two, is for him to pay for you as you deem it 'chivalrous and indicative of not being tight'.

Courtney555 · 12/11/2019 14:01

you said that and then dedicated the rest of your post on why you didn't pay your way when you started dating your husband

If you could just explain how me spending £60-100 on many meals that took hours to prepare, is not paying my way, but being taken to a restaurant where a meal for 2 comes to, say £80 would be?

Courtney555 · 12/11/2019 14:07

But you will judge him very neagtively if he does not pay on a first date despite your caveat.

Will I? I wasn't aware of this. I think it's chivalrous and indicative of not being tight. But I'm unsure why that automatically means it's "very negative" to split the bill. Or for me to pay in full. As long as he pays in full for the next, or cooks me something nice. It's about both treating each other.

Your expectation, for the bloke to advance to date two, is for him to pay for you

That's just bollocks Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 12/11/2019 14:09

That's just bollocks

Mind your language there's ladies present! Grin

AhNowTed · 12/11/2019 14:18

@AryaStarkWolf 😂

AryaStarkWolf · 12/11/2019 14:21

@AhNowTed Down with that sort of thing :p

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/11/2019 14:24

Come off it, you 'hate' tightness and stinginess in a man, and in your view that trait can manifest itself in a man not offering to pay for the first date. How can that judgement not be construed as being very negative as far as dating goes. Or are you telling me you would accept further dates with a man who elected to go Dutch on date despite your hatred of his confirmed tightness?

Polishlike · 12/11/2019 14:30

Married with kids. He fucking pays. I've sacrificed my career, my earning power, my vagina, my sleep and my waist. He pays.

Why did you sacrifice any of that?

Courtney555 · 12/11/2019 14:40

you 'hate' tightness and stinginess in a man, and in your view that trait can manifest itself in a man not offering to pay for the first date

No no. In your view. And why just in a man?

In my view, someone who repeatedly doesn't reciprocate the other person's effort is tight and stingey. Someone who does the whole "my pasta was £13 and your chicken was £17" instead of, "that's £15 each" (more acceptable if your out with mates, not as a couple) is tight and stingey. Do I want a relationship with someone who's going to quibble over £2?

Don't professionally misinterpret what I say then tell me what I mean...

I'm happy to keep spelling it out whilst there's confusion Smile