GF FIL might not come from xmas dinner... very worried

[Newsnat]

So some background... my FIL is gluten free. Not through choice, he was diagnosed several years ago with celiac disease. My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.

We have never had in-laws round for a meal before (in about two years of living together) but recently went to the effort of buying a full new dining set, enough crockery to accommodate both DP’s family and mine at the same time and arranged a dinner.

My DP asked his parents to come about two weeks in advance of it and they wouldn’t give a straight answer until the day before when they said they wouldn’t be coming because of FIL’s intolerance, even though we made it clear we would make a GF plate for him or he could bring his own (this was apparently a ridiculous suggestion).

I’ve not spoken to in laws about it (FTR - I do get in with them incredibly well, it just doesn’t seem like my place as we are not married) but DP tells me FIL is worried about anyone else other than MIL cooking for him. They don’t tend to eat out since the diagnosis and only to places that are throughly vetted.

The issue we now have is I am pregnant. Due imminently and I really really want baby’s first Christmas to be at our own home with me and DP. Also don’t fancy dragging baby out, plus want to be comfy 8-4 weeks PP in my own surroundings, plus I have my own mum to consider...

Up until now we’ve spent every Christmas since we got together apart at our own parents homes. My mum lives on her own and has agreed to come to us, she’ll sleep on the sofa (bless her) on xmas eve so she isn’t waking up on her own on xmas day (I usually go over night before) and all this will be fine. If DP’s parents agree to come to us for dinner......

My DP hasn’t spoken to them yet as it’s obviously a delicate topic giving the previous incident and I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine. Pregnancy wasn’t planned so we didn’t really realise our last christmases at ‘home’ were our last... it’s so important to me that everyone be together and I also hate feeling like poor DP is being forced to chose between everyone )even though I know he doesn’t feel this way - obviously would chose his baba everytime).

I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he said he should bring it up with his parents sooner rather than later but he his just focussed of on the prospect of labour at the moment.

What should I do? This is really stressing me out and I think FIL is absolutely ridiculous. AIBU?

They are being a bit ridiculous, if they won't even consider bringing something she has cooked for him to eat. But it might be a good thing if they dont come for the xmas day meal. You can make a new tradition with your own kids and have xmas day with them at home, much nicer, then do xmas eve or boxing day with the in laws.

I don't really understand why they are being this ridiculous about it when you have said you will cook a gluten free meal for your FIL. In reality, doing a GF Christmas dinner is not hard, it's just a matter of dealing with any cross contamination. It's a shame they are living very restricted lives because of something which can be managed.

I don’t think it’s helpful to see FiL’s concerns as “ridiculous”. He’s had a serious diagnosis that requires a really strict and inconvenient diet. He and MiL have had a major readjustment to make and have probably been really shocked at just how much stuff has gluten in it that they never realised. They may well have had problems or near misses in the early days from people who assured them they’d make allowances that have made hard for them to trust others.

Might it help to take a more proactive and collaborative approach. Who ever is going to cook Christmas Dinner sit down with them and go over the menu, listing all ingredients and getting advice on what to look out for or tricks they have learned that will be helpful? You could even frame it as a bigger move along the lines of - You’d like to see more of them, especially once their grandchild is here and so you really want to get to grips with catering for FiL.

Of course that still needs your DP to actually ask them. It sounds like he’s kind of dreading it or thinks it won’t go well so doesn’t want to do it before the birth. How late would that leave it? If Christmas is going to be 4 - 8 weeks PP then you mist be due right about now? If so I can sort of see why he wants to leave it until after but it’s probably not the best idea to put it off unless you actually go into labour when he picks up the phone! It could still be weeks and you’ll likely both be exhausted and dazed right after. So it could end up being too little notice. If he doesn’t want to hear this and it’s causing you stress you could tell him if he won’t, you will. That might spur him on.

You sound very lovely. It is refreshing that you want to treat both sets of parents the same (all too often you hear on here that the ILs are interfering, yet the own parents are being helpful) I think you are doing all you can to be accommodating. The ball really is in their court. Maybe the baby will be enough of a pull for FIL to stop being so nervous? (FWIW my vegan daughter takes her own stuff for ease, but loves when people make an effort, however small-I know it’s not the same, but there is nothing wrong with taking own if that really is all you trust)

Dont let it worry you if you can help it op. They are being a bit ridiculous. When DP talks to them he could explain that he knows about cross contamination (seperate chopping boards, knives etc), and vetting every ingredient that goes into a dish to ensure components don’t include gluten. Celiac is serious, gluten is very damaging if you are celiac so I do understand their caution. But it absolutely can be managed.
If DP showing he knows how to cater for FIL doesn’t allay their fears then there is nothing more you can do. Be careful they don’t use this as leverage to get you at their place when you quite reasonably want to be at home.

I think you need to respect their choice, and adjust your expectations about Christmas dinner.
While it may not be what you envision, it is a pretty clear he isn't willing to risk his health.

I think you should just ignore their hang ups and get on with Christmas. I would not visit them. The more you pander to them the more they will expect. Cross contamination can be difficult to overcome if he is highly intolerant. Eg buying cakes in rather than making them with a mixer previously used for flour with gluten will be safer.

Maybe your DP could inform them they are invited and ask which gf gravy/ stuffing your fil would prefer.

Could you ask ILs to come to you but be upfront and say you understand it’s difficult for FIL and appreciate their concerns. Offer to shop together and plan the menu together and do a totally GF meal to make them more comfortable?

Well, as a previous poster has said, make this an opportunity to create your own habits.

However, as someone who is gf, df and more, he is creating a rod for his own back. I understand the strong aversion to the reaction he will get but everything can be managed with decent hygiene practices.

Has he ever been to your house for a cup of tea or such successfully? Has he seen how you run your kitchen or does he simply not get involved and has always let MIL do the running around and decision making? I do advise making a totally gf meal for everyone - bugger making two meals and it's easily done - but honestly, FIL needs to get over himself.

Difficult one if he's got no trust that you'll get it right

Personally I'd talk to DH and make a plan as to what'll happen if they say no, personally I'd tell them that's fine and they can either come for supper instead or just come round for a few hours in the mornjnf / after lunch

I wouldn't compromise my day at home with my new baby and partner though so try getting that over to your DH that you refuse to spend Christmas as you have previously done ... otherwise you'll be setting your exes up for this same every year

It would be my DP cooking the meal - he lived with his father for several years post diagnosis and fully understands how to safely prepare a GF meal and avoid cross contamination. I do understand why that would be an issue for them though, which is why we suggested bringing his own, but that was dismissed too.

I think I have quite realistic expectations of Christmas and as I said I will have my own mum there - it’s my DP missing out that I am worried about. I don’t want him to feel torn or like he is missing out in anyway. DS won’t have a clue as he will be at most 7 weeks old and at least 2 weeks.

*setting yourselves

Ps. Thank you everyone for all your replies. I wasn’t expecting so many at 3am as I lie here unable to sleep thanks to my little one kicking away and my brain running overdrive...

Isn't Christmas only 6 weeks away?

Why don’t you say you’ll all have a gluten free Xmas and so they’ll be no chance if cross contamination.
For people with celiac disease cross contamination is a real concern and not them being ridiculous. One spec of gluten can apaches problems. So a crumb of bread or a spoon used to stir their gravy and normal gravy can cause issues. When cooking for someone with celiac disease you need to understand this. How about sitting down and talking with your in-laws. Explaining that you’ll all be gluten free on Xmas day and fall through what you’d be cooking at the ingredients (all of them no matter how small). That might put their minds at rest. If it doesn’t then there’s probably not much you can do.
Do you have a good understanding of what contains gluten and what doesn’t?

Do you have a good understanding of what contains gluten and what doesn’t?

I personally don’t but as I said, it won’t be myself doing the cooking. My DP prepares all our meals and was still living at home for several years post FIL’s diagnosis and has a really good understanding of it all and how to prepare the food safely. Also he has a very methodical, scientific job so I have no doubt he would be very very very careful.

I think it just can't be helped. If they don't want to come, then so be it. You have a lot on your plate as it is. Maybe arrange to go and visit them on Boxing Day instead.

Would you do a gluten free Xmas meal for everyone?

if you.think of a traditional Christmas meal then it's the gravy and the stuffing you need to change. If you do pigs in blankets get them from a butcher who does gf sausage meat.

You can make or buy gf gravy which everyone can have. So no risk of cross contamination. I presume you can buy gf stuffing.

With the pudding, again you can buy a gf Christmas pud that everyone can eat.

As others have said, if your dp goes through this with his parents and reassures them, hopefully they will agree to come.

Since your DF lived with them post diagnosis and presumably cooked for them then, maybe the GF is more of an excuse than a reason? If so that might be trickier (and also a lot harder to sort in time for Christmas when you also have a baby on the way) but you probably need a good sit down chat with them to discuss what would make them more comfortable coming over more - especially if they want to see as more of their grandchild.

Don’t worry much about this Christmas. Even if they don’t come, it’s just one year. It doesn’t dictate what’s going to happen for the rest of your lives. Your DH may be sad to be without them for the first time but he’s also going to be overjoyed (and exhausted!) with his new baby. There will be time to sort things in the new year.

Another one who wonders if the serious concerns re dietary issues, despite it sounding as if you have a clear understanding of the measures needed, are actually leverage to get you all - or at least your DP- to go to them on Christmas Day.
I hope you can enjoy your Christmas Day at home wether with or without FIL, don’t be manipulated.

I say this with nothing but genuine kindness, I think the very best thing you can do is stop concerning yourself with your DP's parents. They have been invited and if they refuse to come, there is nothing you can do about that and worrying won't change it.

Your concern should be about yourself, your baby, your mum and your DP, as long as you have those people with you on Christmas Day the absence of your in-laws isn't your problem. Yes it will be sad for your DP but you haven't caused the situation, nor can you change their decision but in the least he will be able to take comfort being with a content you and your new child.

Please try to stop fretting about things beyond your control, your health is more important than whether his parents come for dinner.

You will have a new baby. Possibly marooned on the sofa breastfeeding most nights. You and your dh will be exhausted by Christmas Eve and I doubt you will want your mother on your sofa or she will want to be there with a crying baby for half the night.

Could you all meet at your IL's at about 11ish and let your MIL cook lunch.

Go with the flow op, just go with the flow. I don't think they are being ridiculous.

I dont think its leverage. Surely, they would refuse to ever come round for a meal, always thinking with christmas in mind.

I get it. My dp has a serious allergy to a common food item. He does most of our cooking. The only 2 people he trusts to cook for him are me and his sister. Because he has ended up in hospital, so many times from family and friends who know how bad it is.

His own step mother, has done this. Cooked for him, cross contaminated the food and he had to have an ambulance. And she brought him up.

There isnt much you can do. Offer to make christmas gluten free reassure them the kitchen will get a full clean down before hand etc.

I have found this thread interesting and have spent time googling to learn if you can have a fairly normal but gluten free Christmas. The answer is yes, you definitely can!

There are gluten free gravy granules made by Bisto and Asda do a much cheaper version. Lots of recipes for GF stuffing, more like the stuffing you would expect in the US. You can buy oat flour (but please check the label as some brands can be cross contaminated) and I would suggest trying it to see if it works for your recipes. GF pastry is made by Jus-Roll so you could still have sausage roll nibbles!

From what I can find a GF Christmas wouldn't be a hardship for anyone. I have even found recipes for GF bread sauce which is a 'must have' in this house!

It would be safer for FiL and easier for you to cook the entire meal like this than faff about with a separate meal for him with all the risks of contamination.

Write out your menu and how you intend to do it plus what you will use and send it to them so they can see how hard you are trying. It would be such a shame if they don't try to attend, especially with a new baby.

Good luck.