GF FIL might not come from xmas dinner... very worried

[Newsnat]

So some background... my FIL is gluten free. Not through choice, he was diagnosed several years ago with celiac disease. My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.

We have never had in-laws round for a meal before (in about two years of living together) but recently went to the effort of buying a full new dining set, enough crockery to accommodate both DP’s family and mine at the same time and arranged a dinner.

My DP asked his parents to come about two weeks in advance of it and they wouldn’t give a straight answer until the day before when they said they wouldn’t be coming because of FIL’s intolerance, even though we made it clear we would make a GF plate for him or he could bring his own (this was apparently a ridiculous suggestion).

I’ve not spoken to in laws about it (FTR - I do get in with them incredibly well, it just doesn’t seem like my place as we are not married) but DP tells me FIL is worried about anyone else other than MIL cooking for him. They don’t tend to eat out since the diagnosis and only to places that are throughly vetted.

The issue we now have is I am pregnant. Due imminently and I really really want baby’s first Christmas to be at our own home with me and DP. Also don’t fancy dragging baby out, plus want to be comfy 8-4 weeks PP in my own surroundings, plus I have my own mum to consider...

Up until now we’ve spent every Christmas since we got together apart at our own parents homes. My mum lives on her own and has agreed to come to us, she’ll sleep on the sofa (bless her) on xmas eve so she isn’t waking up on her own on xmas day (I usually go over night before) and all this will be fine. If DP’s parents agree to come to us for dinner......

My DP hasn’t spoken to them yet as it’s obviously a delicate topic giving the previous incident and I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine. Pregnancy wasn’t planned so we didn’t really realise our last christmases at ‘home’ were our last... it’s so important to me that everyone be together and I also hate feeling like poor DP is being forced to chose between everyone )even though I know he doesn’t feel this way - obviously would chose his baba everytime).

I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he said he should bring it up with his parents sooner rather than later but he his just focussed of on the prospect of labour at the moment.

What should I do? This is really stressing me out and I think FIL is absolutely ridiculous. AIBU?

I wouldn't let it worry you so much. All you can do is invite them and give them the options, if they won't come so be it. It's up to them if they want to limit their social lives because of his manageable dietary requirements.

As for your DH missing out on his parents at Christmas, what do you mean? He's an adult now and you and the baby should be his priority. There's nothing to stop him (or all of you) visiting them on Boxing Day.

DFIL has a serious medical condition & unfortunately you referring to it as an "intolerance" massively minimises the condition & no doubt makes FIL feel that you don't understand the seriousness of it, so probably can't be trusted to cook for him. It's not just about avoidance, but avoiding cross contamination too, so I can understand why he wants to only eat at home, celiac isn't something to mess about with

If you really want them to come, you have some work to do so that he understands that YOU understand the seriousness of getting it wrong.

Speaking from experience, cooking GF for someone with celiac disease is really difficult. Some people can get 'glutened' just from a few grains of flour drifting onto their palce. So as a result some people are really anxious about it.I reckon he may be one of those people.

Re your new baby and things, that will take precedence over everything. You need an easy week, not one beset with obligation.

Christmas is a really high-stakes moment. It's lovely to get it right and have everyone there, but it's also a time when things go really wrong. My MIL often totally overdoes it- too many guests, too much food- and this results in nobody being happy.

Just do what feels physically easier this year and arrange to meet everyone either at your MIL's when things are a bit calmer, or at a gluten-free restaurant.

I meant to add, don't worry though. DDs birth signalled the start of us having Xmas at home in the way we chose. It was absolute heaven.
Family came by late in the afternoon for a buffet, or on Boxing Day if they wanted a sit down meal

Considering you and DH will have just had a baby maybe MIL could be invited to help prepare Christmas dinner at your home? That way FIL feels confident in the preparation, you get to relax at home and DH doesn’t have to do all the cooking?

Why not ask your mil to make your fil’s dinner. I get where he’s coming from - severe celiac disease requires a lot of planning and research to pull off. It’s possible your DP may have made mistakes when he cooked for his dad before and they just want to make things easier.

You've sent out an equal invitation to both sets of parents. The ILs are adults who have declined. Your role in this is done.

Your life and priorities are about to change very quickly between now and Christmas. It may well be (but hopefully not) a good thing that you're having a more modest Christmas if birth takes a heavier recovery or baby is more demanding than average.

It's not necessary for Christmas to follow a set formula of traditions each year.

DS1 was due within a week of Christmas so we had no arrangements as there was no way of knowing what stage of pregnancy/ birth/ recovery we'd be at. As it happened we were home a couple of days, but we simply couldn't make arrangements to host or visit. I'm not too fixed on seeing X, Y and Z on Christmas Day itself anyway, but a chance to catch up on various days around the festive season is good.
There is no set way to do it.

I think you should invite them yourself. Sell it to them that everyone Brings a dish as you’ll have a new baby and can’t make it all yourself. That way they don’t focus on the allergy/ intolerance topic. Whatever you and your mum make will need to be gluten free. That way he had a choice to stick to his wife’s cooking or try others still. Good luck

Gluten free Christmas dinner is very easy (my dh is coeliac) meat is OK veg is OK, just buy GF gravy powder, Heck do GF sausages, GF stuffing from Tesco, GF frozen Yorkies too. When i do this we all eat it, much easier than making two lots. This year I have tow vegetarians, a vegan and DH to cater for so everything will be vegan and gluten free, which is harder but still doable.

I'm trying to think what parts of what I normally cook at Christmas would have gluten in, and it would usually be the stuffing, gravy and pudding. Quite easy to make them GF or do a separate version for him.

They are being ridiculous, you have jumped through hoops for them and if they don't come it's their lookout. Let your partner deal with and worry about this now, they are his folks.

I think your PIL are rightly afraid of your FIL becoming very sick and rather than put you to any trouble they eat at home. It seems kind and sensible to me.

I'm not sure if you're close enough to them to call directly and explain how much you would like them to be part of baby's first christmas. Then ask them the best way to make this happen without them being constantly afraid.

It feels like a general lack of communication rather than anyone being difficult.

Congrats on the new baby, I hope you end up having a lovely Christmas with everyone there.

People suggesting GF recipies are easy don’t get the point. Severe celiac disease can often be triggered even if the GF food is made in the same factory as non-GF food (which most of it is, hence the ‘may contain gluten’ warnings even in some GF food.

Your fil is being a bit silly, although I understand why to an extent. I have a friend who is celiac and we do dinner parties, so I cook GF, really for all of us, with no issue. A Christmas meal will in fact be one of the easiest meals to do and won’t harm anyone to do it gF for all

If they won’t come then that’s their choice, I would be starting your own tradition of staying at home

You know what? A gluten free Christmas meal is REALLY easy to do!

Cancel the cheque!
LTB!

Some people are very sensitive about being affected by cross contamination. The slightest amount can cause a lot of damage. It is not just about being ill after cross contamination there is also damage done to the lining of the gut. People can get very weak after becoming ill.
There is also the fact that it is not how it is not "normal". Sometimes people going on about being gluten free and avoiding cross contamination emotionally distresses the sufferer. No one wants to be a bother to others.
Some Gluten Free people will go to restaurants where there are trained chefs and they still have a reaction. It is about being able to feel comfortable and safe and not being distressed with the worry of is this plateful safe for me.
People with this sort of condition also do not want to become ill in public or in other peoples' house. To call a sufferer "ridiculous" is very cruel and nasty. It is a disability that cant be seen.

Coeliac is very different to having a gluten intolerance. My friend once ordered something when out. Explained she was coeliac and ordered the gluten free option. The gluten free option arrived with 2 deep-fried onion rings. She asked if there was a separate frier for gluten free food. Not being awkward, but genuinely would end up very sick. The server said no, and she said she couldn't eat the food because of the onion rings. The food was taken away and eventually brought back, with apologies. She ate the food and within an hour was being violently sick.

Gluten free in that restaurant didn't really mean gluten free. So I can honestly understand your fil's reluctance to eat where he's not sure. You making a gluten free plate for him mightn't be enough if other food has been prepared alongside it.

You could suggest to your ils that they come and help you prepare a full gluten free meal for everyone. Not having gluten won't affect you, but having it will seriously affect your partner's dad. You can ask his mother to bring certain foods/courses and ask her how to prepare what you will look after.

But, even with all this, they might just not want to go elsewhere on Christmas Day. That's fine. Your baby isn't even born yet, so Christmas Day is going to hold no significance for them!!

It's a nice idea, but it's not something that everyone else will feel the same about. It's not a snub on you, or your baby. You seem to be attaching a lot of meaning to this and assuming others' feelings. Others might not be as put out as you think.

I think best you can do is offer a full gluten free meal to everyone, or looksdter yourselves and go visit your partner's parents at some point over the day.

Couples become families and life moves on. Long standing Christmas traditions change and become new Christmas traditions. Your partner's parents will know that he is now building his own family and that things will eventually change anyway.

It’s amazing that people with coeliac disease so often get fed gluten and suffer for it if it’s “so easy” to cook gluten free......

I know this has been said but it’s quite unfair - and incorrect - for you to refer to Coeliac Disease as an ‘intolerance’. It’s really not, it’s a serious autoimmune disease with horrible symptoms that can potentially be triggered by a crumb in the toaster or some floating specks of flour. So I don’t really think your PiLs are being unreasonable.

You’re also attaching a lot of significance to this first Christmas but without wanting to be mean, you will probably be exhausted, with a fanny full of stitches, leaky boobs, stuck on the sofa with a cluster feeding newborn who isn’t the slightest bit interested in anything but your cracked and bleeding nipples. It’s really nice that you want your ILs there but honestly I think you’re imagining baby’s first Christmas to be far more idyllic than it is likely to be - and you may well be glad that they aren’t there, tbh.

Your FIL isn't being ridiculous at all. There are so many intolerant posters on this thread.

My DH has allergies and he's never trusted other family members (except myself and DS) to cook for him. Having witnessed how ill he has been after restaurants supposedly GF options, I don't blame him for refusing to take that risk with amateur cooks at home.

Lots of places don't manage to produce GF meals or products and your FIL is the one who will be ill if a mistake is made. He also wouldn't enjoy the meal if he was worrying about cross-contamination the entire time.

Your DP seems fine about not seeing his parents if they opt for dinner in their own house so you need to stop stressing about this. Do his parents live close enough that they can pop over after dinner? If so, suggest that. Then everyone sees everyone on Christmas Day.

Lots of people with allergies are accustomed to having a rather limited diet and social life around food. You don't need to pity them. The upside is they get to stay well and socialise in other ways.

Your DP needs to get on and have a chat with his parents to explain that this year with the baby coming you’ll be having Xmas at home and they’re invited, he’ll do GF for everyone or work out something FIL is comfortable with eg they bring some dishes but if they’re concerned then maybe they just pop over after they’ve eaten.

Better to tackle it now as they might be assuming it’s business as usual and lunch will be at their place with all of you. Your partner needs to step up and have a sensible conversation with them asap. It’s also possible his parents might be stressing about the arrangements too!

Given the OP hasn't been back anyone else hoping it's going to turn into a live birth thread ?

Or perhaps when she finally fell asleep at 4am thinking her question had been answered she wasn't expecting it to start trending in her absence

Still remember the preparation I had to do with DN’s milk allergy before he grew out of it. Needed to clean out the entire kitchen, get rid of all milk / Cheese / butter and put the containers away. Then I needed to cook everything from scratch with whole ingredients manufactured or sold in places that didn’t also do dairy. Christmas was really difficult and often involved going directly to farms for most ingredients even veg and chicken. But I had to do it because the alternative was that he’d die.

Celiac disease might not cause death in the same immediate way but it makes you very very sick and ready meals will often not cut it unless your DP knows the current brands your FIL is able to eat. Everything should be cleaned and made from scratch and to be frank I don’t think Op can do this appropriately with a baby on the way.

Also for the posters saying Christmas dinner is easy to make GF. Yes, it is if you're diligent but gluten can be found in all of the following depending on how it's made: soup; stock; gravy; roast chicken/turkey; stuffing; vegetables; vinegar, etc.

And anything that is bought pre-packaged can end up being a risk even if previously it was fine because companies don't need to put big signs on the front to say their previously GF item now isn't.

They are being ridiculous. Gluten intolerance is just that, it’s not an allergy. Yes, celiac’s is a serious thing, but it doesn’t warrant this level of idiocy. Your FIL isn’t going to go intolerable anaphylactic shock if there is any ‘ cross contamination ‘.
Your suggestion of cooking a completely gluten free Christmas dinner is very considerate, but unnecessary, just be aware, do your research. IF your DP is doing the cooking anyway, and he’s used to his Father’s dietary needs, I can’t see the problem. My best friend has celiac’s, she has a large family who frequently cook for her, they have their usual food. We often eat out together with no problem. Most restaurants offer gluten free menus.
Your PIL need to get a a grip. Just concentrate on you and your family.
Good luck with everything, don’t let anyone spoil your first Christmas with your baby’s Christmas. x

This thread has been really eye-opening for me. I don't know anyone well who has coeliac disease, and whilst I know it is linked to gluten, the key piece of information I was missing is that you can develop it at any time (went and looked on the NHS website).

So I had always assumed it was more akin to allegy/intolerance and so my puzzlement with the OP initially was that I assumed that this must have been something that FIL had always had, and therefore whilst avoiding guten was obviously important, he had clearly had lots of life pre diagnosis when he must have eaten gluten.

Now I understand that this is something really serious, that can develop at any point.

I must point out I have never minimised it to anyone - I just haven't come across it other than knowing that shops sell gluten free food.

Thanks everyone.