GF FIL might not come from xmas dinner... very worried

[Newsnat]

So some background... my FIL is gluten free. Not through choice, he was diagnosed several years ago with celiac disease. My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.

We have never had in-laws round for a meal before (in about two years of living together) but recently went to the effort of buying a full new dining set, enough crockery to accommodate both DP’s family and mine at the same time and arranged a dinner.

My DP asked his parents to come about two weeks in advance of it and they wouldn’t give a straight answer until the day before when they said they wouldn’t be coming because of FIL’s intolerance, even though we made it clear we would make a GF plate for him or he could bring his own (this was apparently a ridiculous suggestion).

I’ve not spoken to in laws about it (FTR - I do get in with them incredibly well, it just doesn’t seem like my place as we are not married) but DP tells me FIL is worried about anyone else other than MIL cooking for him. They don’t tend to eat out since the diagnosis and only to places that are throughly vetted.

The issue we now have is I am pregnant. Due imminently and I really really want baby’s first Christmas to be at our own home with me and DP. Also don’t fancy dragging baby out, plus want to be comfy 8-4 weeks PP in my own surroundings, plus I have my own mum to consider...

Up until now we’ve spent every Christmas since we got together apart at our own parents homes. My mum lives on her own and has agreed to come to us, she’ll sleep on the sofa (bless her) on xmas eve so she isn’t waking up on her own on xmas day (I usually go over night before) and all this will be fine. If DP’s parents agree to come to us for dinner......

My DP hasn’t spoken to them yet as it’s obviously a delicate topic giving the previous incident and I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine. Pregnancy wasn’t planned so we didn’t really realise our last christmases at ‘home’ were our last... it’s so important to me that everyone be together and I also hate feeling like poor DP is being forced to chose between everyone )even though I know he doesn’t feel this way - obviously would chose his baba everytime).

I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he said he should bring it up with his parents sooner rather than later but he his just focussed of on the prospect of labour at the moment.

What should I do? This is really stressing me out and I think FIL is absolutely ridiculous. AIBU?

Seriously, @vivacian? It's unfortunate that it had another meaning for you, but I've used it in real life in the last half hour. It's hardly unusual.

Yes, honestly it's something I remember boys saying to each other in the playground, or my dad using it around my uncles. That kind of a word. I have genuinely never seen it used to mean "baby".

Your PIL is being ridiculous. It's very easy to make gluten free Christmas dinner, as many others have already said. If your DH fully understands how to do it there even less of an issue.

Turkey is gluten free - just don't buy one that's had stuff done to it. I think I found gf pigs in blankets in M&S, Waitrose and Sainsbury's last year. You can buy gluten free gravy - proper jus - very easily if you aren't confident making it without flour. If you want stuffing, you can buy gf stuffing. Sainsbury's do a perfectly fine gluten free yorkshire pudding if you don't want to all have gf or make two batches. And so on with whatever thing you fancy.

It's really, really easy to do a 'normal' gluten free roast dinner.

I'd keep to staying at home with the baby and leave it up to them tbh.

Do you know what would be helpful? If someone could come on to the thread and explain how easy it is to prepare a gluten-free Christmas dinner

He's not being precious, the tiniest bit of gluten could make him seriously unwell. However it seems it is time for both sides to understand that you and your DP will now want to spend Christmas Day together. If your FIL would prefer to eat his lunch in his own home (and if this is the safest option for him) then either they invite you all round as well, or accept that you will be spending the day at home. Does your Mum have any other children/family? If not I can understand that you want to be with her. Will your PIL consider inviting her too? Your DP can still do all of the cooking at their house, it's not like you are making them do all the work.

The crucial part of all of this is that all of you work towards a solution that allows your family - you, DP and baby to be together at Christmas. There should be no pressure for you to spend the day apart this year, otherwise it will simply set a precedent for every subsequent Christmas.

**They have been invited and if they refuse to come, there is nothing you can do about that and worrying won't change it.

Your concern should be about yourself, your baby, your mum and your DP, as long as you have those people with you on Christmas Day the absence of your in-laws isn't your problem.**

^Completely agree. It will be your baby’s first Christmas. Don’t let FIL spoil in. Stick to your original plan. They are the ones missing out.

I think I have RTFT! If it were me I'd have Xmas at home as you have a new baby and want Xmas traditions of your own now. Your DM wants to join so that's fine. Your PILs don't want to join you for the meal inspite of several perfectly acceptable suggestions so they can come over and see you, but not for a meal.

I think if you start re-arranging your Xmas for them now you'll be in this trap of "FIL has to be GF so we all dance to their tune" for a long time. I appreciate he has a serious condition but your DP has cooked for him before and he could bring his own if he wanted to be with you.

There is a lot of Christmas dinner that is already or can easily be gluten free.

Turkey itself.
Veg dishes generally don’t involve flour or breadcrumbs.

Potatoes - don’t use flour when fluffing them (we just use goose fat in our house and get great results!)

Things a little more tricky are gravy and stuffing, starters and desserts.

Stuffing - I’m sure there must be gluten free versions to buy. Otherwise make your own using gluten free bread to make the crumbs. And gluten free (or don’t bother with) sausage meat.

Pigs in blankets - use GF sausages and wrap streaky bacon around them.

Gravy - I’m reasonably certain that cornflour if GF, I make a lot of sauces with that rather than flour. There are also surely GF gravy to buy in the shops.

Don’t make bread sauce, or make it at home with GF bread.

Prawn cocktail could work well as a starter rather than something involving pastry. Or else a pot of soup thickened with cornflour (if you have checked it is GF) or potato rather than flour.

My DM makes a Christmas pudding for DSIL using rice flour rather than breadcrumbs and that is nice. Or make something else sinful but GF - flourless torte, chocolate tart using pastry made with rice flour or coconut flour, etc, big bowl of fruit salad....

My two granddaughters have got coeliac disease, and are horribly unwell if they have even a trace of gluten so I can understand why FIL is so anxious about it. And I do Christmas dinner for all of but do feel a little stressed making sure that no one else adds anything to their plates/gets the wrong gravy etc.

Why not get them to come over after food? It's their company that matters, not necessarily eating together. And reassure them that you will be extra careful with hygiene or perhaps MIL could help you prepare a light snack if they're worried?

They do sound a little obsessive, but it's easy to judge when you're not the one being violently sick after contamination...........

I don't think he's being precious, they're both obviously very nervous and have a lot of anxiety about his gluten intolerance. You've done your bit and invited them to dinner, if they don't want to come that's their choice, no need for you to get your knickers in a twist on behalf of your DH and them.

@SunniDay has it right. As soon as there's a new generation started, Christmas changes and everyone has to adapt. My girls are grown now, but over their lives, on three occasions we've had our own 'alternative Christmas Day' on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day . Lives get more complex (we have a nurse in the family who sometimes has to work Christmas Day, for instance), so you need to get used to it!

We love Christmas, and are creatures of habit who love our little traditions. But we cope with change vin order to make sure that everyone has a good time. If your FIL's Christmas is going to be stressful for him if he eats with you, then he doesn't eat with you. Presumably they live near enough to see you at other times in the day?

I have coeliac disease. It is not an “intolerance “, it is a serious auto-immune disease and difficult to cope with at times.
I think it can be hard for others to understand how scary it is, particularly when out socialising, and how much stress it causes. I have all sorts of issues eating at family gatherings, getting a gluten free meal is not the biggest problem, cross contamination from other people is the main problem.
People will break or cut bread near my plate, use the same knife to cut a cake that they have just used for a gluteny one, or the same spoon might be used to scoop something not safe, and then put in with something gluten free. Group gatherings in restaurants are bad enough, but in homes are the most stressful of all. Added to that I don’t want to be a nuisance, or to make a fuss. The vast majority of people have no idea about coeliac and assume I am on some faddy diet .
I knew another person with coeliac who never ate anywhere other than at home because she found it too stressful.
It is like getting very bad food poisoning if I do accidentally eat any gluten, and it happens pretty quickly, so a horrible thing to happen when out for a meal. I have had meals in restaurants where something has clearly had gluten in, even after I have emphasised my status, and then I have reacted on the drive home, so that worries me.
If you want him to be able to come and relax I would think of doing a gluten free meal for the whole party tbh. Not that hard for a Christmas meal. Perhaps your MIl could help with the food and that would help him not worry ?
It is like dealing with an allergy. If he had a peanut allergy, then you would need to be scrupulous about no peanuts anywhere, but he might still be anxious as people make mistakes, and some people don’t take it seriously, and he has to trust a whole lot of people when he is used to trusting his wife and being cautious everywhere else.

They are being silly given you are more than happy to make a GF meal. Also do they realise you plan to have babies first Christmas at your house? Or they do think things will be the same? I would get your DP to tell them now. Honestly come Christmas when you have a small baby, are exhausted from lack of sleep and just want to snuggle up with baby your DP family being silly won’t make the least bit of difference to you.

@SirVixofVixHall a gluten free meal for all has already been suggested upthread

Maybe he's really worried about having an adverse reaction outside his own home.

I understand the cooking can be monitored but does the kitchen have to be spotless to avoid any cross-contamination?

@Antigon a gf meal for all doesn't actually put my mind at ease for cross contamination if I'm honest. My house does not contain any glutenous products, other people's does. The tiniest crumb that has been missed when wiping the counter can land on your food from the bottom someone's plate as they walk past etc. That might seem paranoid but those crumbs are out to get me, I swear!

@NannyOgg Yes!

But it sounds like the FIL has been happily eating GF meals cooked by his son at his own home. He should in theory trust his son to a cook a GF in his own home too.

However every one has a different comfort level and no one can force him to attend.

I do wonder if they’re annoyed that DH is not coming to them this year as usual and using the GF an excuse. I only ask due to DH’s close familiarity with his dad’s coeliac.

@NotANeuroticApple but it sounds like FIL’s house does contain glutinous products because OP says
‘ My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.’

We have a nut roast for Christmas, as we are vegetarians, but for a normal Christmas lunch , making it GF is not a difficult shift.
Gravy -most people normally use cornflour to thicken, if so that is GF. A meat and vegetable based lunch would be naturally GF as long as you don’t have bread (unless it is a Gf loaf). It is easy to buy GF stuffing, Christmas pudding, mince pies etc, or you can make them. It isn’t difficult.

Both myself and my best friend have diagnosed coeliac disease. Mine is more autoimmune - eat it and I create inflammation that triggers autoimmune symptoms. If you give me a tiny bit probably short term I might at most get a swollen stomach - its more the longer term affects which are the issue for me. However, give my friend a tiny bit and she will be rushing off to the toilet with stomach cramps almost immediately so it would ruin her day. Some coeliac books recommend buying and using separate cooking pans and utensils - ones which have never have gluten on them. Yes there are lots of gluten-free foods but people forget and cross contaminate food with gluten during preparation time etc ie - put gluten-free bread into a toaster used to toast other bread - use butter which has non-gluten free crumbs in it from a past user, add white pepper seasoning which has gluten it it etc etc.
For me, I am lucky enough that going to someone's house for dinner is not a big deal as long as the food is in theory gluten-free I don't have any immediate side affects from cross-contamination. My friend does though so I would not judge your f'n'law about wanting to be careful.
I do hink his wife is being ridicolous not thinking bringing food from home is normal because it absolutely is if you have coeliacs and she needs to get her head around this.
However, I am sorry I think you need to consider chilling out a bit about Christmas day. Yes it is special to you but its just another day for your newborn. If your m'n'l and f'n'l are going to to be twats - leave them to your hubby to sort out or not and just enjoy the day. Who wants grumpy inlaws around on Christmas day anyway.

Your fil has a serious illness, that needs to be managed properly.
If he isn't comfortable coming to yours for Christmas Dinner, could you invite them for the morning for nibbles, gf one which could be bought in, and drinks?

“ I think you should just ignore their hang ups and get on with Christmas.”
I’d love to see the responses if the OP had a coeliac child and she was worried about her in laws cooking for them. I wonder if she would be called ridiculous, or told to get over her hang ups.

Jesus Christ, the reading comprehension on MN is abysmal lately.

OP is not asking for tips on cooking a bloody GF roast!! So stop waffling on about bloody flour on potatoes and GF stuffing and gravy!

OP is not cooking the meal. So stop saying leave her DP to deal with it. And has said her DP has lived at home during his DFs gluten free lifestyle, he is aware of how to cook for him and cross contamination!

Ffs bloody READ BEFORE POSTING.

OP, I think you’re unnecessarily working yourself up over this. You’ve said DP is focused on labour so maybe shift your focus too if he’s not that bothered with the situation? You’ll have a brand new baby soon, and I’m sure the thoughts of GF gravy will be our the window.

I think this is a good time to start a new tradition, every family with children has the first year when they are not at home, and it’s hard but you’ve tried to include your PiLs and if they are not willing to accept that their son can cook for them safely, or do not want to bring their own food then they don’t mind that much that Christmas will be different. You’ve tried, and that’s all you can do. Perhaps ask DP to explain to them one more time if can be done (outline he will be cooking, maybe offer to make the whole meal GF if you wanted to and if they still say no, then just invite them round after that have ate, or before, or on the evening.

Start your own traditions, you’re starting your own family and this is the time for you to have your own fun now.

@Antigon I agree the FIL sounds like he's being hard work for no good reason, just sharing how I approach it as a coeliac sufferer

As I said upthread I personally take food with me rather than miss out on occasions, partly due to CC risk (have literally been hospitalised from eating CCd food) and partly down to the (perceived) hassle of making the food gf. Also a little to do with aspergers/sensory stuff (I'm not particularly fussy in the 'typical' ways, eat a huge variety of foods that are common to dislike even, but some textures can catch me out) but tbh that's more of an issue for (aspie) DH who relishes that he has an excuse to only eat meals I made him

@NotANeuroticApple

Your approach makes total sense. I have a (diagnosed) gluten sensitivity which drives me mad sometimes. However my symptoms are limited to bloating, upset tummy etc, so I really feel for people with Coeliac disease as I imagine it’s a hundred times worse. It sounds like you have taken a pragmatic approach.