GF FIL might not come from xmas dinner... very worried

[Newsnat]

So some background... my FIL is gluten free. Not through choice, he was diagnosed several years ago with celiac disease. My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.

We have never had in-laws round for a meal before (in about two years of living together) but recently went to the effort of buying a full new dining set, enough crockery to accommodate both DP’s family and mine at the same time and arranged a dinner.

My DP asked his parents to come about two weeks in advance of it and they wouldn’t give a straight answer until the day before when they said they wouldn’t be coming because of FIL’s intolerance, even though we made it clear we would make a GF plate for him or he could bring his own (this was apparently a ridiculous suggestion).

I’ve not spoken to in laws about it (FTR - I do get in with them incredibly well, it just doesn’t seem like my place as we are not married) but DP tells me FIL is worried about anyone else other than MIL cooking for him. They don’t tend to eat out since the diagnosis and only to places that are throughly vetted.

The issue we now have is I am pregnant. Due imminently and I really really want baby’s first Christmas to be at our own home with me and DP. Also don’t fancy dragging baby out, plus want to be comfy 8-4 weeks PP in my own surroundings, plus I have my own mum to consider...

Up until now we’ve spent every Christmas since we got together apart at our own parents homes. My mum lives on her own and has agreed to come to us, she’ll sleep on the sofa (bless her) on xmas eve so she isn’t waking up on her own on xmas day (I usually go over night before) and all this will be fine. If DP’s parents agree to come to us for dinner......

My DP hasn’t spoken to them yet as it’s obviously a delicate topic giving the previous incident and I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine. Pregnancy wasn’t planned so we didn’t really realise our last christmases at ‘home’ were our last... it’s so important to me that everyone be together and I also hate feeling like poor DP is being forced to chose between everyone )even though I know he doesn’t feel this way - obviously would chose his baba everytime).

I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he said he should bring it up with his parents sooner rather than later but he his just focussed of on the prospect of labour at the moment.

What should I do? This is really stressing me out and I think FIL is absolutely ridiculous. AIBU?

A Christmas dinner/roast is really one of the easiest meals to make GF without any real compromise on taste (things may just cost a bit more). If your families are Yorkshire pudding lovers they're easy to make from scratch GF too. It would be easy enough do a GF meal for everyone in that sense. As your DH knows how to cook for him, is this not something that's been suggested? If so and they're still not willing to come then I doubt there's little you can do unfortunately.

I have to have a GF diet too, medical reasons but not coeliac, so often my entire family eats GF. I appreciate the worry of CC is high. Is there a possibility that it's something more to do with them thinking DH shouldn't be doing the cooking? It may not be that of course, it could just be the CC worry.

As someone with coeliac disease the cross contamination can often be the most dangerous bit rather than being giving fully gluten food.

Everything needs to kept safe. Mummyofdragons....there is no highly intolerant with coeliac disease. Any spec will do damage to every coeliac, it's just how much their body shows an external physical reaction that varies.

A gluten free Christmas is super easy and my family always makes everything safe just to be sure, as do I when it's at my house.

Pigs in blankets, leeks in cheese sauce, Yorkshire's, gravy, stuffing etc can all be bought or made gf with adaptations and often you can tell the difference.

Offer to go fully gluten free that day and if they still decline carry on with your Xmas at home.

I took my 3 week old for Xmas at grandparents last year and it was in all honesty too much...stay at home! Xxxxxx

As someone who is gluten free.... explain your worries and ask how you can help. Let them know that you take his health seriously.

Most things M&S sell are GF - gravy, stuffing, sausages. You can make all the meal GF is the easiest thing. Even get GF Yorkshire puddings.
DD is coeliac. It’s one of the easiest meals. You just need to be careful to separate everything and keep it all clean.
DD is very sensitive. As long as people understand about cross contamination being a danger I am fine (many don’t) with people feeding her.

I think that your PIL have decided (maybe unconsciously) to make his Coeliac disease the focus of their lives. That is their choice, but it does mean that they live a restricted life - if they choose not to come for Christmas, then that is their choice. They are both adults (although occasionally irrational).

In contrast I have a Sudden Death Syndrome (a cardiac condition). I live a full life and wouldn’t dream of imposing my need to avoid alcohol, coffee, chocolate, coca cola and other energy drinks on others.

I don't think he's being ridiculous. Some people with Celiac are more careful than others. Some people continue to eat at restaurants , canteens, dinner parties etc despite the high risk of cross-contamination, they're either willing to take the health risks because they don't want to sacrifice their existing lifestyle. My FIL is like this because he works in hospitality and restaurant/hotel meals are a big part of his life, I assume he either accepts the risks or perhaps he is in a little bit of denial about how serious the condition is as he's only recently been diagnosed.

Meanwhile, some people are a lot more careful, as they've been advised to be. Even one crumb could cause problems. Exposure to gluten shortens the life expectancy when you have Celiac. Even if you thoroughly wiped down your entire kitchen there's every chance the odd tiny crumb could still remain. Your FIL doesn't want to play dice with his health over a Christmas dinner.

Personally, Christmas is really important to me but it's more about my own small family (DH and the kids) and grandparents' presence is just a bonus. I have divorced parents who both remarried so I've never been able to see both my own parents and DH's parents all on the same day at Christmas. Now I live abroad and I rarely see my own family at Christmas.

Make your own magical Christmas and make it centred around your own nuclear family, make your own family traditions, relax and enjoy it with your little one. Go and visit your in-laws on Boxing Day or another day close to Christmas. Or if you think you won't want to go out still, get them to pop round just for tea and some gluten-free mince pies from the shop or something along those lines.

I think you should take a step back and concentrate on the baby. While having both parents is a lovely aim, and it's kind of you to offer, there will come a time you partner will not be at his parents for Christmas. This will be the year if they don't want to come.

Stop focusing on having the perfect TV advert family Christmas! You are your own family now, you have invited your in laws and its really up to them if they come or not.

"won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas"
This is where it gets silly. Have your first xmas at home, but dont make it into a thing about grandchild'd first Chtistmas. The baby doesnt know what it's all about and even if it did (depending on age), it doesnt need all and sundry to be there to be there and make it all about the baby). In my experience as much as it is nice to have your baby at home, for them its just another day. Do grandparents really need to be part of that.

Please dont spend your last few weeks of pregnancy stressing about this. It is out of your control. You have given them plenty of options and if they wont even consider bringing their own food then they are being very difficult.
Please remember that you are talking about grown adults here - they are opting to miss out and make a bigger deal of all this when there are options.

you are right in not wanting to drag baby out on first xmas, you should be at home where you are more comfortable.

If you suggest cooking slots where they can have free reign of the kitchen/ areas where no one else places other stuff? If they decline this then you have to accept that they are being ridiculously difficult and you cant change that.

All the suggestions for a gluten free Christmas are great. However could it be that he is worried about using your loo? I know that sounds bizarre but as an IBS sufferer, I can have an attack of it unexpectedly and I detest going places in case I get " caught short"...
I have to use the disabled loo in work out of respect to my work colleagues, as it is embarrassing for me if an attack comes on.
I don't have coeliac disease so please excuse my ignorance on this, but I know how I get with IBS.

I am Gluten and Diary Intolerant and aside from myself and my mother I'm too afraid for anyone to cook for me because even the slightest trace of one or the other could have me bed bound for days but if I am invited somewhere family wise I either bring something Ive made or ask for a separate small area to make my own.

For people with coeliac disease cross contamination is a real concern and not them being ridiculous

This! I didn't realise just what coeliac disease was until my DDs were diagnosed. Yet, when we go out, people dismiss it as "Fussy eaters" or "one bit of bread won't hurt". Coeliac disease is an auto immune condition that can be very serious.

I find it far easier to just cook everything GF rather than worry about cross contamination.

For the last 5 years our Xmas dinner has been gluten free as DDil is coeliac.
ASDA and Sainsburys do a good range of gluten free food and between them you can get everything you possibly need. 5 years ago I found it difficult, but it is so much better now,
I can recommend Asda's gluten free extra special sausages and their GF Christmas pudding (pierce the covering and run some sherry in and leave before microwaving)
Hopefully MIL will invite you all to hers for Xmas, but if not hopefully everything can be worked out.
Hope all goes well with the birth!

EmmaG has it, I think. It is relatively easy to do a g/f Xmas dinner, with just a few tweaks.
Can your DP speak to his parents, explain how you are both aware, what will be cooked and how it will be prepared?
I appreciate ILs concerns, but they are making far more fuss about this than necessary.

Why are you worrying about this to the point that's it's keeping you up all night? It's your DH's father. DH will be cooking. It's DH that will be affected if they don't come.

It's down to him to talk with his parents, and is down to him to manage his disappointment if they don't come for the dinner part of the day.
Millions of people won't see their parents on Christmas Day at all. And forcing your FIL to come and eat at yours will ruin his day, by the sound of it. He's clearly very very anxious about it. Let him be. And stop over thinking and worrying about something that really isn't that huge a deal. Your DH will cope. Your PIL can visit around the dinner.

It sounds as though your hormones are all over the place. Recognise this for what it is.

Why is someone with a tiny baby expecting or expected to cook Christmas dinner for 6+?.? And gluten free to boot???
Get your partner to organise it with both grandparents and leave you in peace!
Sheesh!

OP your FIL has some concerns, like you say they’ve had a major life change and the concern for cross contamination is actually very very real.
Plus they may feel quite embarrassed about you being a new mum , your first Christmas and they are having to make you do extra. I know that’s how I would feel.
Tell them you totally understand and would love to to see them , what would work for them?

Are you sure you want to cook a big dinner with a tiny baby?

The OP’s partner will be doing the cooking. Think the offer to do a GF Christmas meal is a really good idea.

I have coeliac - just offer to make a fully gluten free Christmas dinner. A roast is honestly one of the easiest things to make gluten free. Pudding will be rubbish, but the main meal will be easy (watch out for gravy, sausages, stuffing, obviously no bread sauce, some stock cubes have gluten in them, some premade roast potatoes are coated in flour - everything else should be fine).

If they still say no to that then you're going to have to accept that you'll never win this one

Gluten free is very common now. If you do turkey for example you can make stuffing with gluten free bread, gluten free sausages, corn flour in gravy, no flour on roast potatoes and a gluten free Xmas pudding from M&S. not difficult

I think you should focus on the baby and let dh sort his parents.
If they won’t come for dinner could they come later for a visit.

I can't really see why this is causing so much stress.

An invitation has been declined.

You are all adults-will your husband really feel upset at your mum being there & his parents not?

Lots of couples alternate or don't see parents every Christmas for some reason.

I wouldn't think that many couples often (or even ever?) have both sets of parents on CD.

Presumably they are too far to pop in for an hour or so?

Ok: your DH lived with them and cooked for them post diagnosis.
Your DH would be cooking and knows how to avoid cross contamination.
They have declined to bring their own food.

Is it Some other issue? In which case no amount of M& S GF stuffing will solve the problem.

Just do what you want. Honestly now make it the time you make 'your' Christmas.

You're staying at home - your DM is coming over - they're invited and you can do GF for DFIL/everyone. Can they let you know by 5th December otherwise you will take it they're making their own arrangements.

I just wouldn't pander to it.