GF FIL might not come from xmas dinner... very worried

[Newsnat]

So some background... my FIL is gluten free. Not through choice, he was diagnosed several years ago with celiac disease. My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.

We have never had in-laws round for a meal before (in about two years of living together) but recently went to the effort of buying a full new dining set, enough crockery to accommodate both DP’s family and mine at the same time and arranged a dinner.

My DP asked his parents to come about two weeks in advance of it and they wouldn’t give a straight answer until the day before when they said they wouldn’t be coming because of FIL’s intolerance, even though we made it clear we would make a GF plate for him or he could bring his own (this was apparently a ridiculous suggestion).

I’ve not spoken to in laws about it (FTR - I do get in with them incredibly well, it just doesn’t seem like my place as we are not married) but DP tells me FIL is worried about anyone else other than MIL cooking for him. They don’t tend to eat out since the diagnosis and only to places that are throughly vetted.

The issue we now have is I am pregnant. Due imminently and I really really want baby’s first Christmas to be at our own home with me and DP. Also don’t fancy dragging baby out, plus want to be comfy 8-4 weeks PP in my own surroundings, plus I have my own mum to consider...

Up until now we’ve spent every Christmas since we got together apart at our own parents homes. My mum lives on her own and has agreed to come to us, she’ll sleep on the sofa (bless her) on xmas eve so she isn’t waking up on her own on xmas day (I usually go over night before) and all this will be fine. If DP’s parents agree to come to us for dinner......

My DP hasn’t spoken to them yet as it’s obviously a delicate topic giving the previous incident and I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine. Pregnancy wasn’t planned so we didn’t really realise our last christmases at ‘home’ were our last... it’s so important to me that everyone be together and I also hate feeling like poor DP is being forced to chose between everyone )even though I know he doesn’t feel this way - obviously would chose his baba everytime).

I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he said he should bring it up with his parents sooner rather than later but he his just focussed of on the prospect of labour at the moment.

What should I do? This is really stressing me out and I think FIL is absolutely ridiculous. AIBU?

I looked at the thread title and wondered why your girlfriend's father in law was coming for Christmas Dinner...

Your DP could ask his Mum or Dad to help him cook the dinner so that they can check everything?

A gluten free roast dinner is actually one of the easiest things to cook OP. All the veg are GF. Just buy gf bisto gravy, stuffing and Yorkshire pud mix available from any good supermarket. Most meat is naturally gf too. Just watch what sausages you buy!

He is being sooooo precious. A big baby really. Don’t worry about him. He’ll be the one missing out and it will be his own fault

Either do a gluten free meal for everyone or suggest MIL helps DP prepare dinner so FIL will know she's taken proper care of preparing his dinner like she always does (even though that's a bit sexist and he can make his own bloody dinner).

Offer gf day.
If they don't come do not feel bad. It's not your fault! A Xmas at home may make him reconsider.

Whether you think he's being silly or not, your do wants them there. He needs to sit down with them and ask them to come and when they refuse, ask what he can do to reassure them.

Let's imagine your baby has an intolerance, what would reassure you?

DC1 has celiacs disease.

we are very much a GF household now. Much easier to cook just 1 meal for all and we cook fresh from scratch most days so really not an issue. A gf Christmas meal is fairly straightforward. would your in laws be happy with that.

some people with celiacs disease are incredibly sensitive and a tiny bit of cross contamination can cause a lot of symptoms. I don't necessarily think that your in laws are overly precious.

Would they visit after dinner? So DP gets to see them, lots of 'baby's first Christmas' photos etc etc
If FIL is still unsure to eat a meal that his son is cooking, it might be the not-being-cooked-in-FIL-kitchen that is troubling him.

I don't think he's being precious at all. When my daughter was diagnosed she got ill from cross contamination just by using the same cooking space. I don't think people realise how easy it is to get so ill from such a tiny thing as a crumb you can't even see.

Are you sure you want to cook a big dinner with a tiny baby? I'd be much happier to go to someone else's place - those first few weeks can be a stressful whirlwind, even if birth is straightforward.

My first Christmas with dc I had to stand and jiggle through dinner with baby in sling, missed pudding cos it was too hot in the room, went to bed at 7 and DM left a plate outside the bedroom door to have supper whenever. DD was 4wks. I was knackered. All the baby's first Christmas stuff implies you'll have enough energy to care!

MIL might be worried about the extra work for you, or maybe doesn't want to set a precedent that they always come to you. Or maybe she enjoys a quiet Christmas and however much she's looking forward to GC, she doesn't want to have Christmas totally taken over by a tiny baby.

Add in the risk that FIL could be hospitalised by a tiny slip on your part (and you'll be tired so that's not so unlikely) and I can see her point.

My dd has coeliac disease so I understand cross contamination, etc. Some people with coeliac disease will insist on different baking trays, saucepans, etc. So it may be they’re concerned about pans being used which have previously had gluten in.

Personally we just have a separate toaster, bread knife and chopping board and I reckon the dishwasher will sort everything else out. Dd will eat at other peoples houses after serious discussion with them. I trust my SIL to know what she’s doing, with my MIL I would have to take food.

Dd will also risk stuff such as gluten free Subway, Wagamama.....but she has a coeliac friend who won’t eat out, if he gets glutened he is ill for a month. Dd is only ill for a day or two. Pukes for a few hours and then is exhausted for a day or two. But if it wiped you out for a month I can understand not risking it.

Even stuff like understanding you can’t use any butter, jam, peanut butter, etc which has previously being used by a muggle is important.

Get MIL round to cook Christmas dinner for you all?
Win-win?

This might seem cheeky, but it would solve a couple of problems at the same time - why not invite them and ask MIL to cook the Christmas dinner? You could all prepare the shopping list together and you could order the food, and your DP and FIL could help her make the dinner. That way, your FIL could be assured that the meal is GF, you could rest with your new baby in the the confidence that everything is being being taken care of, and it could really feel like a nice inclusive family occasion. In reality, a GF Christmas dinner isn’t that different to a non-GF dinner so it’s entirely doable.

I agree, ask MIL to cook at your house. Say you want everyone together but you need her help with cooking to ensure FIL is ok on the day.

I did a gluten free roast the other day. Sainsbury's do fresh gravy, that isn't labelled GF, but doesn't have gluten in it. You don't always need to buy 'gluten free'.

Often the free from ranges are more expensive when the 'normal' products don't even contain gluten anyway.

I agree with a pp, plan for them to join after dinner or in the morning then they go home for their own dinner.
Are there any other siblings involved? Do they eat with them?

GF roast dinner (which is all Xmas dinner is really) is probably one of the easiest things to do. Meat, potatoes, veg, all fine. GF gravy, M&S stuffing and pigs In blankets are gluten free. GF Xmas pudding, job done!

Could you convince them by ordering gf Turkey (with gf stuffing), gf pigs in blankets, and gf gravy from M&S. My MIL is a coeliac and that’s what I have done. Then all you need to do is your own toast potatoes (be careful with shop bought as some have gluten) and veg

I wouldn't underestimate the "pull" most grandchildren have. DH and DM don't get on terribly well and my DM vowed for a while not to set foot into our house again. She did eventually...for DS's birthday. She loves DS and wants to see him, so the two of them have managed to make up.
I suggest your DH asks them. They can only decline the invite and then it's their loss, really.

My family came over (lived abroad at the time) for Christmas when DS was born. He was due on 11th December and I thought, "oh well, I'll have one or two weeks to get used to this and then we'll have a quiet Christmas". He eventually made an appearance on Christmas Eve (my family had flown in that morning) and we were home Christmas day. So, DH and my sister cooked the Christmas dinner and I just sat on the sofa for most of the day. :) It doesn't need to be anything terribly exciting. Usually the new baby is excitement enough.

suggest MIL helps DP prepare dinner so FIL will know she's taken proper care of preparing his dinner like she always does (even though that's a bit sexist and he can make his own bloody dinner
this sounds like a sensible suggestion

I think the best approach is 'we totally understand, you must not do anything that doesn't work for you, however we really want to have you over and if we can talk about how to make that work then we'd be really pleased'. He's not being ridiculous, you're not being unreasonable.

I think DP should offer them that the entire meal, for everyone, will be gluten free, and also ask not to bring anything with gluten.

Failing that, he could offer for your mum to come and supervise the meal.

If they still say no then that's fine, but I think it would be nice to go to them for xmas next year, as long as your mum is invited too.

Well I've got three coeliac family members and I don't think he is being ridiculous and I can see why he might not have faith that you are taking his autoimmune condition seriously when you refer to it as an 'intolerance'. You say they are really really careful where they eat so why is yours any different? I wouldn't be taking offence and with a new baby you might find you are glad they have made that decision.

My coeliac MIL is really anxious about eating anything but her own food, if she gets glutened she is really ill, for weeks. She takes zero risks and still gets caught out sometimes.

My coeliac dad is less careful, takes a few risks here and there e.g with deep fat fryers and occasionally gets caught out, mainly due to my mum leaving a trail of toast crumbs everywhere she goes. He's ill for about a week.

My DH doesn't get any symptoms if he eats gluten, regularly takes risks and every checkup his blood work is all over the place and he's at real risk of doing harm to himself (Bowel cancer, stomach cancer etc)

Every Christmas is a gluten free Christmas with us no matter where we are and I can't say I've noticed much difference really, you just have to be a bit more mindful of which sausages etc you use but most of the normal supermarket ranges these days are gluten free any way.

I cant believe some of the responses to the FIL. He is not being ridiculous or precious FFS. He has a serious health condition and is understandably worried. If they don't want to come they don't want to come just to suit what you want for Christmas.