GF FIL might not come from xmas dinner... very worried

[Newsnat]

So some background... my FIL is gluten free. Not through choice, he was diagnosed several years ago with celiac disease. My MIL’s way of coping with this was to make everyone in the household go GF at shared meal times, rather than cooking two separate meals every night.

We have never had in-laws round for a meal before (in about two years of living together) but recently went to the effort of buying a full new dining set, enough crockery to accommodate both DP’s family and mine at the same time and arranged a dinner.

My DP asked his parents to come about two weeks in advance of it and they wouldn’t give a straight answer until the day before when they said they wouldn’t be coming because of FIL’s intolerance, even though we made it clear we would make a GF plate for him or he could bring his own (this was apparently a ridiculous suggestion).

I’ve not spoken to in laws about it (FTR - I do get in with them incredibly well, it just doesn’t seem like my place as we are not married) but DP tells me FIL is worried about anyone else other than MIL cooking for him. They don’t tend to eat out since the diagnosis and only to places that are throughly vetted.

The issue we now have is I am pregnant. Due imminently and I really really want baby’s first Christmas to be at our own home with me and DP. Also don’t fancy dragging baby out, plus want to be comfy 8-4 weeks PP in my own surroundings, plus I have my own mum to consider...

Up until now we’ve spent every Christmas since we got together apart at our own parents homes. My mum lives on her own and has agreed to come to us, she’ll sleep on the sofa (bless her) on xmas eve so she isn’t waking up on her own on xmas day (I usually go over night before) and all this will be fine. If DP’s parents agree to come to us for dinner......

My DP hasn’t spoken to them yet as it’s obviously a delicate topic giving the previous incident and I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine. Pregnancy wasn’t planned so we didn’t really realise our last christmases at ‘home’ were our last... it’s so important to me that everyone be together and I also hate feeling like poor DP is being forced to chose between everyone )even though I know he doesn’t feel this way - obviously would chose his baba everytime).

I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he said he should bring it up with his parents sooner rather than later but he his just focussed of on the prospect of labour at the moment.

What should I do? This is really stressing me out and I think FIL is absolutely ridiculous. AIBU?

You're making this more of a thing than it is. Let them do what they want and come later in the day or Boxing Day to see the baby. You'll have your hands full by then anyway. It will not ruin Christmas.

and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine.

He (and you) would just have to grow up in such an instance. There comes a time when Christmas becomes about your new, little immediate family and not about your parents, that’s just a natural progression.

I wouldn't be changing my Christmas plans. You have been very lovely and accommodating, OP. If your PIL still do not feel comfortable with your efforts, won't bring a precooked meal with them or accept any of the offers of so you can spend Christmas together I would just shrug and leave them to it. Maybe they will come for a few hours in the morning or after lunch? Don't stress OP. You've really done everything you can but don't sacrifice the Christmas you want to accommodate them when they are being totally unreasonable.

Can’t they come over after dinner?

What about something like a Cook gluten free Christmas dinner for him? They are delicious, come frozen and so easy to prepare. That might give them more confidence the food would be definitely GF

Maybe he doesn't like DPs cooking

Honestly though, as someone who has coeliacs, I can get where he's at. I don't eat food anyone else but myself has prepared unless is is still in sealed packaging that has a gf certification as I've been given contaminated food by other before and I won't risk being hospitalised again! I take my own food if I'm eating elsewhere and frankly I don't give a shit how rude people think that is, my health comes before their feelings.

I do think your FIL is being daft though, he could just bring his own. I love that i never have to pretend to like other peoples shit cooking and only ever eat what I want

"and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine."

Is that coming from him or you?

Hope he won't be counting the hours that your mum has with your baby & making sure his parents get exactly the same!

How old are you and your partner?

I am so so so worried they won’t come for Christmas dinner on their first grandchild’s first xmas and my poor DP misses out on his parents and has to watch me enjoy it with mine.

I think everyone will be able to manage this. There's nothing stopping your partner taking baby around to his parents after dinner. There's nothing stopping them calling in during the morning or the evening.

Also, I have never seen 'baba' before. Where I come from, it's an old fashioned, slang word for shit.

Like some previous posters I get it that he may be afraid that someone else doesn't quite understand his intolerance. With so many people now announcing that they are GF it is easy to think you know how to cook for them and it's not an issue. Not everything that is GF is suitable for celiac.

My good friend was diagnosed with celiac disease many years ago and it took her a long time to understand her own dietary needs. She is not just GF and it is quite easy to make a mistake when cooking for her.

She very rarely, allows anyone to cook for her, if we are having a party she will bring dishes that she has cooked and would check the ingredients if I offered to cook (and whether I used different pans).

Eating in restaurants needs to be planned, there are certain things that she takes with her and will often speak to the chef.

She is not a snowflake who is worried about an upset stomach, she is seriously ill if she eats anything she is intolerant to. It takes a lot of confidence for her to be able to say to people I cant eat this list of things. She does turn down invitations.

Perhaps your FIL is worried that he might eat something that will make him poorly, however unintentional it is. I agree with those who say extend the invite, ask what dietary needs you need to consider but concentrate on your own family and don't stress over whether he refuses.

Can't they come over after lunch for a couple of hours.

Gluten free for a Christmas meal is easy. Turkey has no gluten as long as no stuffing in it. Roast potatoes no gluten. Veg has no gluten. All he has to not have is stuffing and gravy. It's not that hard.

While it must be much easier to get GF food now, in some ways the rise of the ‘intolerance’ must make it harder for people with coeliacs. I can understand the fear of cross contamination. My parents have decided not to travel to us for Christmas this year and will spend it on their own watching tv. I’ve been sad and upset about it but they are grown-ups and I have to let them make their own decision.

I've just re-read and realised you haven't even invited them this year yet!!

You are basing all this worry on the fact they said no last year.

They can still come and see you on Christmas Day. The baby won't care who eats dinner there or doesn't.

Maybe your DP isn't as bothered about it you are.

I haven't read all of the answers but can you both sit down with them and explain that you would love them to be there for the reasons that you outlined and ask that your MIL come over early on he day and assist with cooking of FIL's food.

Otherwise, as someone said before you just have to modify plans and go to see them other days over the Chistmas.

Posters saying fil is being 'precious' really have no idea.

One spec of gluten will cause agonising stomach pain for days, violent diarrhoea that maybe explosive or sever constipation. Skin reactions too.
It isn't fun and it really is stressful.
Having to think about everything you eat all the time.

Cut them some slack- it isn't a slight against you, it's a very real legitimate self preservation technique.

...ask that your MIL come over early on he day and assist with cooking of FIL's food.

Surely, if OP's partner needs some help with cooking dinner to his dad's requirements, his dad is best placed to do this

"Why is someone with a tiny baby expecting or expected to cook Christmas dinner for 6+?.? And gluten free to boot???
Get your partner to organise it with both grandparents and leave you in peace!
Sheesh!"

well her DP is doing the cooking and the organising. Gluten free to boot? Gluten free is no harder than any other Christmas dinner. OP do the whole dinner gluten free for everyone, Aldi have a good range.

What a fuss. Most of a Carmela is gluten free anyway. My MIL is gluten free so we do everything gluten free apart from the Brownies and Yorkshire puddings. It’s no effort at all and no,harder than a traditional roast.
Potatoes are gluten free. I sprinkle with cornflour for extra crispness.
Cauliflower cheese I always make with cornflour as it’s nicer
Red cabbage is gluten free
Sprouts and chestnuts gluten free
Carrots, celeriac and parsnips are gluten free
Homemade bread sauce can be gluten free
Homemade cranberry sauce is gluten free
Gravy with cornflour is gluten free
Stuffing can easily be gluten free if made with Heck’s sausages, GF bread and chestnuts.
Piggies in blankets can be gluten free.
Christmas pudding can be vegetarian and gluten free.

It’s probably embarrassing for him to be handed a separate plate. Just do the whole meal wheat free.

Most can go in the freezer too.

Also, I have never seen 'baba' before

Seriously, @vivacian? It's unfortunate that it had another meaning for you, but I've used it in real life in the last half hour. It's hardly unusual.

He's not being precious, that is a bit dismissive of his illness and I do wonder if that comes across to your MIL and FIL. Entirely GF meals may be necessary not just a 'coping' mechanism.

As PP have said, you haven't actually invited them yet and they may come for dinner or they may come afterwards to see you. The baby isn't here yet so it's not going to be 8 weeks old anyway. It would seem that your due date is around the end of November or mid-December.

Do you suffer with anxiety, OP? Because all this 'so so so worried' about your child's first Christmas when they will be days old at best seems a little over the top and unnecessary so it's really not worth trying to push them into coming for dinner if they don't want to.

Most of Christmas lunch not most of a Carmela. Autocorrect can be so random!

I'm not sure why everyone's giving OP advice on what to cook. Her DH lived with and cooked for his FIL for years after the diagnosis. OP has said that several times.
The menu isn't a concern. His FIL not wanting to eat outside his own home, however GF the meal, is.

Hi OP,
I think that you are attaching way too much emotional importance and baggage to this and that is why you are getting yourself stressed.

Sure you can propose a variety of solutions to your in-laws but if they choose not to come for dinner they won’t “miss their grandchild’s first Xmas” - they will just see the child the day before/ the day after, or even before or after dinner on Xmas day depending on the distances.

Your partner won’t “not enjoy Xmas” like you because his parents don’t come for dinner. He will enjoy Xmas with his partner/child and MIL and enjoy Boxing Day (or whatever) with his parents - unless he is expecting a blue bike with a shiny bell and can’t wait an extra day for it then otherwise I’m sure he will get over it.

You haven’t necessarily had your “last” Xmas with your reciprocal parents. God willing with everyone’s health their will be more xmases and you will negotiate where you would like to go.

You are at an emotional time but it will help you to accept that you can’t control the actions of others - only your own. Tell your in-laws that you want Xmas at home and that they are welcome. You can suggest all manner of adjustments but if they choose not to come because of intolerance or simply because they are stuck in their ways you will have to get over it. You can’t control what everyone else does at Xmas any more than they can control what you do. However I would say don’t give in and go to theirs as you will resent it and it sets the precedent for no compromise simply going to theirs every year.

Enjoy your Christmas whatever form it takes and remember the “perfect“ Xmas doesn’t exist - even if everyone comes to you life may throw further spanner’s in the works and you will have to roll with the punches!