Single parent wants to change career into medicine, but has no support.

[Puzzledbyart]

Just out of interest. Let's say we have two primary aged school children (on the younger side of primary). Is it feasible for their single parent to go through the medical school (with a foundation year, they are in 40s, so long out of school), whilst retaining 100% custody of the children? There is no family help nearby, and no substantial savings to pay for the childcare either. Is it realistic at all?

Honestly, I think it's important to view this for what it is: an attempt to exert control over you. Purely because it allows you to respond in the best way, to protect yourself emotionally and practically, and to ask for the right advice from the right people.

Using court proceedings to hurt and control someone is a common tactic, so you need people in your corner with experience of this. You do not have to do it all alone or adopt a position of culpability. Have you considered speaking to Women's Aid for advice?

I hope you don't genuinely believe that earlier list of examples constitutes failing. If it does, where does disappearing almost entirely from the children's lives for years and then wanting to rip them away from everything they know sit on the failure spectrum?

“Are parents not allowed to choose family friendly shifts [in medicine]?“

Oh dear OP!

Neglected kids don't know what it's like to have their own toothbrush, OP. I think you're safely out of that league.

I’m so confused about this plan of his OP—I also have a masters in a humanities subject and I have also applied to start medical school next September. However—how does he have “close to an offer”? I am still waiting to hear if I even have an interview? It’s the wrong time of the year for him to be so certain of a place. Also there are only a couple of schools in the country that provide the pre-med course (what I have also applied for) so I don’t know where you live but this could entail for him a substantial relocation. I don’t think that would go well if he is looking for custody of the kids as surely that’s really unfair for them?

Also—I have no children and am under no illusions how intense the course will be (if I get a place!) and I’m already fretting slightly about how much time I will miss out on with my DOGS let alone a CHILD!! This is all so wildly unrealistic. Even if he made it through the uni years then what is he going to do for F1 and 2 years—it’s a lot of work!

I think he’s being unrealistic on a number of fronts but at a very basic level he may not even get on the course. It’s very competitive—I mean I have a similar degree, excellent aptitude test score, a number of years of clinical experience and I’m also trained in a variety of medical related qualifications and I’m still sweating bullets over getting an interview. Pre-med is not the easy route in. So it may be that it doesn’t happen anyway!

For all the student nurses and midwives on this this thread - I don’t think your training is at all comparable to medicine and the foundation years. And I say that as a nurse who trained fairly recently.

Could this person look at a Physicians Associate training perhaps?

Okay, just seen that this is a reverse. This man is tripping absolutely balls with his little plan.

OP, I know you said there’d a few things just lately where you could have done better. Are you in a position to perhaps reduce your hours a little and pull your socks up with the other stuff so you can be squeaky clean to stop this man in his tracks of trying to take your kids? What does your solicitor say about it? Do you need a better one?

Is this the exH who is qualified in something legal eg a solicitor?

So , in his 40s with years since he left school, DC and a limited availability for shifts , needing the childcare bursary .

And they'll have 1000s of A-Level students in teens/20s with no ties , the ability to work the shifts , do the travel, not need childcare , brains primed to learn because they've spent years studying .
And will have 45-50 years of working and study potential ahead of them.

Oh, he'll be fighting off the offers

Will he still try to get onto this course if he doesn't get residency for your DC?
How much of this is motivated by not paying tuition fees of at least27k?

Can I just say regardless of what you decide to do that I think it's very admirable what you want to do. You are showing your children what a strong women can do when she puts her mind to it and I hope you achieve great things!
Good for you!

Urgh missed your post where you say it's about your ex! Sorry

I don’t think your lifestyle suits studying medicine if I’m being completely frank.

The course itself is not comparable to nursing or midwifery at all, sorry but medicine is much more academic and difficult. It’s on a completely different level. I am in my early 20s and went to university, I have many friends that study/studied medicine in recent years and they would all say that it takes an extreme toll on your mental health.

Placement will not be ‘family friendly shifts’. It could be 12 hour shifts or night shifts, 49 hours a week unpaid.

Courts don’t reverse the residency status quo for no reason, especially not for hair brained schemes that are loosely connected to reality. What is in the child’s best interest in moving to a strange place with a uninvolved parent with pie in the sky dreams?

Smile and nod but don’t get sucked into his fantasies.

I am quite shocked by this thread as to the naivety of some posters as to what is required to enter medical school and the huge costs, not only in money which are involved. For a start no medical school will consider you unless you have at least an A in A’level Chemistry, or you would have to complete a foundation course and the fees for a medical degree are huge!

They'll also be competing against a lot of younger students who have spent time volunteering so they have recent relevant experience. He's just being a bully and thanks this is a way to not pay child support for the next 4/5 years too.

I’m a doctor. It very much depends on the structure of his course. Mine involved 2-3 years of preclinical ( daytime 9-5) all at a central campus then 3 years clinical 8-5 . These have a few but not many nights. Weekends are rare. For example obstetrics and acute gen medicine involved nights to get relevant experience the rest did not at all. Most universities now mix clinical and non clinical work and depending on which campus he would often travel to campuses. In my opinion he would manage the first 5-6 years if he had good breakfast club from 7 am and after school provision ( at least til 6pm) however once he was a junior doctor he would have lots of compulsory out of hours work and would have no leeway as a parent. Unless your children are over 8 now he would struggle in 6 years time

Also - it’s crazily late in life to train as a doctor imo.

I see that others have also brought up the issue of money as well as the laughable "free time" issue. If he already has a previous degree he can't get a student loan, so I assume he must be independently wealthy if he think he can live for six years income-free and pay the £9000 a year fees, plus all the travel costs to hospital shifts, the equipment and tech, textbooks etc etc etc?

Who picks up the slack for all these parents choosing family friendly shifts then?

The first (compulsory pre-court) mediation session was this week, the mediator was an experienced barrister, and she was making very approving noises of his plan. She will have been making those approving noises because she would have understood that it would be unprofessional to call him a deluded idiot, clutch her sides and let him see tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks.

If he thinks he’s going to have sufficient spare time to raise a family, perhaps he’s considering starting his studies at a lower level. Like GCSEs.

The course is intense; the placements, in course assessments, OSCE and MOSLERs. There will be clinical attachments 9-5 most days with study afterwards whilst doing in course assessments and working normally as well (you still need money to live obviously)

The F1 Year in particular was brutal. You can apply for special consideration if you have children Or dependents but it’s not guaranteed. I was working 14 hour shifts most days due to staffing issues and there was no consideration given to timing shifts for parents- the rota usually consists of 3-4 different types of shifts on a team of 8 rotation. This was over 7 years ago now and I would never recommend any one to do it now to be honest as I imagine staffing issues are worse now than it was then.

This is obviously if you pass every exam for every year- in most schools the exams are not cumulative grades like normal degrees- you have to “pass” every single exam along the way or repeat the year else you cannot be deemed to be safe.

Well if she has money to pay a barrister, she may have money to pay a live in nanny.

I didn’t think you could train to be a doctor last 35? Has that change now?

DH is a dr and we've been together since he finished medical school - we have 2 DC
I would say from experience no.
It took two of us to allow DH to have his career and both of us had to sacrifice for that.
The shifts are not family friendly especially in the early years, in theory you may be able to request but they are unlikely to be granted , you need a lot of practical support either by a partner or family because paid is unlikely to be able to cope with the odd hours, short notice and inability to pick up on time. I would also say it's a career choice that can require quite a bit of emotional support too. Patients die, are violent, rude it takes its toll, you will need support.
For example there is no guarantee you will get Christmas off in fact as a junior dr you are quite likely to get rostered on for at least some of the inconvenient period when no childcare exists. Don't underestimate the hours especially as a junior dr - they are not as advertised. Sickness - very hard to accommodate.
In 11 years DH has been to one school play, one parents evening, two swimming lessons and no sports days - not for want off trying others were booked off but he had to cover for colleagues due to shortages

I didn’t think you could train to be a doctor last 35? Has that change now?

That changed years and years ago.