...to start being a little miffed at how friends' weight affects my decoration choices?

[AlmostChristmas2019]

That really. We have a couple of friends who weigh 21+ stones and it affects what furniture we can feasible get.

We just moved and this is the second time this is really starting to bug me.

A few examples:
...I have chucked out my top 5 choices of dinning chairs, because they either couldn't take that weight and/or had armrest that would literally dig into their bodies.
...changed my choice of sofa so it can support multiple obese people.
...did not get a shoe bench because their weight crashed the last one after a couple of uses (yes, that was the issue)
...tried to get an airbed that would support the weight of two obese people safely for occasional overnight stays (e.g. New Years) - found one that was tested to a high weight but apparently, even then they are likely to pop. American Amazon was a scary eye-opener.
...holding off on new Garden chairs, as the ones that they can sit on are pricier than the ones I'd usually get (shared, very social garden, so not looking for anything fancy) - which means we barely used the garden since moving.
....all of the options suitable for heavy people are way pricier

I do want my guests to feel welcome, I really do. I am just so over having to check the maximum weight every time I look at furniture that is meant to support human bodies in some way.

It doesn't help that most of them are friends DH kind of brought into the relationship and which I have neither a paricularly good nor bad friendship. They were all friends at uni and we are the people who live where it is easiest to meet for everyone. That is fine, I usually love a full house, but I feel so limited by someone else's choices right now*

DH does arrange to meet up out of our house with them more often now but that doesn't change the fact that our furniture needs to be able to support a good deal of weight relatively frequently. And I would feel hypocritical to say "no, you never get to bring your friends here" because I would have no issue with it if we didn't need specialised furniture.

Bottom-line: Am I being unreasonable for wanting to choose my furniture without having to think about the weight of people who do not live here?

-

• Not to go into too much detail here, because it is not relevant to my question, but as it is sure to be mentioned: I know obesity can have lots of underlying causes. Besides two of the people in question here, the cause is poor food choices + no exercise. They're quite open about it.

Are people that are overweight due to lifestyle choices more likely to break furniture than those who are overweight for medical reasons OP? Because otherwise I fail to see how that piece of info. was relevant at all.

I would imagine that OP was trying to avoid the "be kind, it might not be their fault!" that always appears in these threads.

I sympathise. We had to order special chairs for my gran because of her weight, she was damaging regular ones. In her case it wasn't just the weight: she couldn't lower herself gently into seating, it was always a thump down. It was due to both her health and her weight. Pushing up to get out caused problems too. And yes, it wasn't instant, it was long term damage that got worse over time.

I think you are being very kind OP, you certainly aren't fat shaming but instead doing all you can to avoid it. I think you need to talk with your DH but I'm afraid I can't see a solution.

Are people that are overweight due to lifestyle choices more likely to break furniture than those who are overweight for medical reasons OP? Because otherwise I fail to see how that piece of info. was relevant at all.

No, it doesn’t make a difference to the end result but OP was just pre-emptying the usual chorus of people coming on to say that their obesity isn’t their fault. That they can’t help being obese because medical condition, food allergy blah blah blah.

JHC not another one of these overly embellished threads.

Ya suffering from boredom OP? Because we sure as hell are after reading this drivel.

I think I'd just tell them to bring their own airbeds. Otherwise they will have to sleep on the floor.

StillCoughingandLaughing Today 11:36

If they are good enough friends for you to want to spend time with them, then I would consider their needs. Loneliness is everywhere - if they make you laugh, and if chatter comes easily, and if they are good people, then I'd want to make them comfortable in my home. When we're all in our care homes in 60 years' time, we might regret not having made the most of our friends.

YABVU for taking into account people who don’t actually live on your house when buying decs and furniture

I don’t see this as a strange post at all. I get it! I have a relative like this. The chairs wouldn’t instantly break so as to be obvious. They would gradually become damaged so it would look like they didn’t finally break it and it was worn. But actually it was the weight that caused it. This has happened to chairs in my family from another persons weight.

Whether posters have sympathy for the OP or not, no one has come up with a helpful solution.

Oh just buy what you want - how does that help if the guests won't fit due to armrests, or will gradually break something? No help at all.

And I don't have the answer either. Except for meeting elsewhere, all the time.

I guess there are only really two choices, buy furniture which can cope with the weight of your friends or stop inviting them to your house.

Talk honestly with them about your dilemna and then talk about the fact that they are slowly killing their health by being morbidly obese. I am an ex obese person who thinks that fat shaming isn't fat shaming but being refreshingly open and honest about the erm... elephant in the room!

I have voted YABU but purely because I wouldn’t let this dictate your furniture choices and your life.

I think you should buy what you want and I like the beanbag idea (easy to store).

YANBU for having to think about this after your friends broke an item of your furniture. You are being kind and practical.

How fucking bizarre

To all the people saying “just buy what you like” - she can’t!! That’s the whole point. If she buys the dining chairs with armrests then her friends physically can’t sit in them at dinner. So she can’t have her friends for dinner. If she buys the sofa that can’t take their weight they’ll still sit on it and it will become wobbly and sunken and need replaced before long. That’s OP replacing it with her money btw- so she’s better buying the ones that can take the extra weight in the first place. So she has to consider their weight when buying her furniture because it’s her that has to replace when they inevitably break.

I wish posters would stop frothing at the mouth.
The OP is not fat shaming. She wants practical solutions on how to deal with the problem.

If you put something heavy on something fragile it is likely to break. It is pure physics, nothing more.

Bariatric furniture is a thing, for all those disbelieving of the need for stronger furniture.

I worked on a new hospital and there was a whole bariatric ward put in with stronger beds, wider doorways and chairs and extra stuff in the surgery rooms.

I get what you mean a bit OP. DH’s best friend is about 25 stone. When we re-did the loo, initially I was going to get one of those wall hung toilets, but they come with a weight limit so decided to go for a back to wall version instead. As he would be absolutely mortified if anything happened.

I have noticed when we go round to his that when we sit at the dining table, he sits on two dining chairs he has pushed together with a long cushion on top spanning both.

You could solve most of this issue by purchasing a cheap foam fold-out sofabed for use by those guests, plus some inexpensive folding wooden chairs that can be used inside and out - no big deal if your guests break them.

Most of us these days have suspended WCs, however (never saw the point of those) and I know someone whose very heavy tenant managed to break it off the wall.

Cross post re suspended WCs

Most of us these days have suspended WCs

They are much less common than you think. Especially in rented properties. Neither of mine had it and they were not the cheapest.

Bit saddening that someone can't buy furniture they like because of obese friends tbh. And I am bigger size too!

Maybe they should just invite you more often then you don’t need to go out your way to accommodate them. I would get the furniture you want - if they’ve started breaking furniture with their weight your friends need to take some action on that and not expect others to accommodate them. I appreciate you’re being kind - but then how kind and considerate are they being? They break your furniture they can pay for it. There’s being overweight and obese - and there’s being so obese that you can’t sit on your friends new sofa. I think the kindest thing you can do is get what you want and maybe that will give them a reality check.

How did they break a shoe bench?

I'm assuming that's just a rack you put shoes on - nobody stands or sits on those, surely?

Some shoe benches are designed for sitting on. I imagine that is what OP had.