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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that very few people really care about others mental health?

184 replies

Whitehorseinthehill · 09/11/2019 22:16

I keep seeing things on social media about Mental Health awareness. Also people always say that you should talk to someone, speak out.

We get a lot of emails circulating at work about mental health.

My experience is that in reality it is not only extremely difficult to get any type of meaningful medical care, but people don't actually want to hear about it.

When most people ask how you are, they don't really want the truth if it's not good.

OP posts:
MsPotterPepper · 10/11/2019 11:22

Sorry cross posted!

MsPotterPepper · 10/11/2019 11:27

I think a lot of people with depression/ anxiety don't seem to realise that the people they are turning to for help might have their own mental health struggles. Not everyone wants to shout their diagnosis from the rooftops or let anyone know. But because we haven't shared our issues we get judged as not being supportive enough, or not caring, being selfish etc.

GorkyMcPorky · 10/11/2019 11:29

I have been thinking just the same thing. Those 'my door is always open and the kettle is always on' posts are such bullshit. Someone pasted / posted it recently. She is someone I consider a good, long-standing friend, but she is so popular that I know I'm nothing to her and wouldn't even phone her in that situation, let alone turn up on her doorstep. It's so glib.

Another parent also posts anti-bullying stuff but facilitated her own child in excluding mine. Said child then repeatedly crowed at my DD about excluding her.

emilybrontescorsett · 10/11/2019 11:37

I agree that quite often those posting those stupid memes are the people who do nothing to help.
Posting my door is always open, is it?
So I can rock upto yours at anytime and you will sit and listen, dropping everything else.
What I find is its those who take an active roll who offer the most help.
Those who turn up at your door, tell your child to get ready because they are taking them off your hands for a couple of hours and do it.
Not those who come round , sit in your house for 2 hours and proceed to talk at you whilst letting their own kids run amok I your home.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/11/2019 11:40

MsPotterPepper no my post was in response to just sit there and listen

It’s possibly the best gesture at times but it can very difficult to do

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/11/2019 11:47

I think the problem is those meme are posted online, by people with 1000+ friends. So they aren't actually telling 1000+ people that their door is always open.

I do care, very much so, about the mental health of those closest to me. My family, my children in particular, my close friends, people I'm close to and talk to regularly. I don't care AS MUCH about a "friend" I did a 3 week summer camp with in 1987.

In saying that, if someone distant to me reached out and wanted to talk, I would talk. I would however be inclined to direct them to local help and to confide in someone close.

I have to admit, when I see people sharing those "I'm always here to talk" posts I tend to think that that is that person's way of saying THEY struggle with their own mental health.

Life is full of stesses and pressures and the need to show a particular (successful) side. Everyone is bombarded with these perfect images and everyone thinks their life is supposed to be glamorous and perfect.

Life isn't easy for anyone.

That's something everyone needs to start acknowledging.

catsmother · 10/11/2019 11:47

If one good thing has come from this thread, it's the fact that the next time I castigate myself for being a bitter, miserable bitch for finding all the public virtue signalling around mental health nauseating and hypocritical, I shall try to remember that I'm not alone in that view and take a little comfort from that.

bookbuddy · 10/11/2019 11:48

I have ptsd I have spoken to friends to make them aware of some of the symptoms I have, they have been sympathetic but generally avoid talking about it. I don’t blame them and I don’t actually expect them to be able to do anything about it. I’m seeing a cbt therapist so getting professional help and quite honestly apart from them checking in with me as normal I don’t think it’s their problem. My mental health is my responsibility, I can’t see how my friends could make me better surely it’s got to come from me Confused

WhineUp · 10/11/2019 11:54

I am a friend, not a therapist. Happy to catch up, provide a sympathetic ear and offer advice IF I have any to give, but I won't shoulder other people's burdens - I have enough of my own. I'll provide practical help if it suits me, but won't allow myself to be drained and will distance myself if it becomes too intense for me.

Mental health is just one of those things. Most likely horrific for the sufferer, but just as I wouldn't expect an unqualified civillian to fix my broken leg, I wouldn't expect one to fix my depression either.

prawnsword · 10/11/2019 11:55

I wouldn't expect an unqualified civillian to fix my broken leg

That made me LOL

Great analogy

MaybeDoctor · 10/11/2019 12:22

On the plus side, at least it is talked about in the public domain. I grew up in the 1990s and mental health was very rarely mentioned.

On the other side, I find some of the messaging very trite and superficial. I have a family member with chronic, treatment-resistant depression. She has been hospitalised numerous times and is on the medication of last resort. There is no 'cure', 'help' or solution. Depression has dominated decades of her life, affected her parenting and robbed us all of the family relationship we should have had. I have spent decades of my life being 'supportive', despite my own crises and ups-and-downs along the way. Never has any support being reciprocated - but that's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I do believe in helping those closest to you first. My resources are limited and I am never going to prioritise helping a colleague or friend through a mental health crisis over my immediate family.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/11/2019 12:23

Even as a mental health professional I am not a therapist to my friends I can’t be I’m too emotionally involved

I can at times offer advice and may find it easier than some to just actively listen but I will mainly avoid doing this

I work in a very demanding role I can only take on so much and give so much

Unfortunately at times people make the assumption I can be supportive the listening ear - If i can and will always offer advice

lolaflores · 10/11/2019 12:32

Oh yes...my family regularly posting about MH yet we have never discussed my self harm bipolar sectioned twice 3 over dose attempts and eclectic shock therapy in US quickly followed a breakdown.
Not once. They have bullied and criticised me persistently. Claimed to have not known about any diagnosis. Ignore ignore
Makes me smile in a not funny way.

managedmis · 10/11/2019 12:33

YANBU

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/11/2019 12:35

Unfortunately family dynamics can play a huge part in someone’s mh

Having the unwell person/alcoholic/addict can unconsciously suit the rest of the family that becomes their role

It’s very complex and at times seems impossible to shift

catsmother · 10/11/2019 12:58

Most of us are unqualified civilians and would baulk at being expected to fix a broken leg!!

However, if confronted with such, it seems many more of us are prepared to offer sympathy and support for someone with a serious fracture than are willing to do the same for a mental health issue that's often not so immediately visible.

My reaction to a broken bone would be (and has been in real life) to express sympathy for their predicament. To acknowledge the pain they're experiencing, to agree how frustrating and inconvenient it must be, to enquire how they're feeling at regular intervals and to offer practical help when I can, with lifts, with fetching shopping, with keeping the garden in check, or with running the hoover round etc. Obviously, some of the practical help is dependent upon other commitments and distance but I've always tried to do what I can in such situations, unless I've been absolutely floored by my own situation at the time, and at the very least, have kept in touch just to see how they're recovering, i.e. showing an interest in what's going on.

Each of us can only speak from our own experience, but on the very few occasions I've disclosed that I'm struggling with my mental health , I've found that that 'interest' is severely lacking. I've rarely found sympathy, nor any recognition of how poor mental health can make it all but impossible to function 'normally' and can therefore be just as frustrating and inconvenient as a broken bone. Despite day to day living feeling akin to wading through tar I have never had any offers of practical help to alleviate the feeling of being overwhelmed. The irony is, that when you suffer a fracture, there is almost always an end in sight - the majority of people go on to make a full recovery with no lingering repercussions. However painful, restrictive and frustrating a broken bone is, it'll be a temporary state of affairs. Knowing that makes all the intervening crap far more bearable for the person afflicted and you could perhaps therefore argue that the fracture victim actually needs emotional support rather less than someone with a mental health condition.

A lot of people are inherently selfish and will grasp any excuse not to put themselves out for someone else. Clearly, you can't cast (excuse the pun) any doubt on a broken leg because it's there for all to see. It's much easier to dismiss someone who's mentally ill if you convince yourself that they're attention seeking, being a drama queen, swinging the lead, or claiming to be ill in order to swerve their responsibilities. Then, you can brush them off with a clear conscience because, after all, very often the only 'proof' they have of being mentally ill is 'what they tell you' …. even if they have a diagnosis …. because, again, the doctor can 'only go on what they're told' etc etc.

I'm very aware that various MH conditions manifest themselves differently in individuals, and acknowledge that sometimes sufferers expect an unsustainable amount of support which is obviously unrealistic and utterly draining for those targeted. I've been on that side myself in the past and have wanted to run away, especially when you have the same circular discussions ad infinitum without any apparent benefit. However, as I've already tried to articulate (not terribly well) and as others have also described, I think it's so important that MH sufferers aren't completely pushed away. It's entirely possible to be suffering/struggling and still have enough rational thought to recognise that others might not have the time or emotional resources to offer you very much help …. and in that case, to protect yourself (understandably) you set firm boundaries if you have to (if feeling harassed). You decide when you want to have contact but for goodness sake, if you care about someone, don't leave them thinking that you don't because you've not spoken to them, or sent a note, or a quick text in six bloody months after they've just opened their heart to you about symptoms which can be terrifying, paralysing and/or unrelenting! I would much rather someone tell me they're busy/totally occupied with family/suffering some form of poor mental and/or physical health themselves and therefore feel unable to add to their load than them metaphorically slamming the door in my face. The first explanation suggests a lack of support isn't personal whereas it's extremely difficult to draw any conclusion from the second apart from the fact you're not cared about, not liked and so on which adds significantly to the feelings of isolation and self loathing many of those with MH issues experience.

Oblomov19 · 10/11/2019 13:09

People say they want to hear about it. Talk to a friend, tell someone, they say. But clearly no one does actually want to hear about it!

WhineUp · 10/11/2019 13:17

As I said, I'm willing to provide support, but it's going to be on my terms.

Indeed I sympathise, but ss much as I love my family and friends, I love myself more. My boundaries are hard as steel, and I won't allow myself to be drained and exhausted. I had a relative who suffered from MH problems, which made me realise just how fragile mental health can be - so I'll usually prioritise protecting my own, for my own good.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/11/2019 13:27

@WhineUp You talk a shitload of truth and common sense Blush

emilybrontescorsett · 10/11/2019 13:30

I also think sometimes it’s better to speak to a professional rather than a friend.
Friends tend to be sympathetic whilst professionals see it from a different angle. Often more practical and outside the box offering advice which might not have been thought about before.

Gingerkittykat · 10/11/2019 13:37

I have bipolar, a lifelong condition which has no easy fix so I am not one of the people who fir the neat recovery box everyone wants. I have times of illness and times of wellness, currently well.

I've also found almost nobody wants to hear the truth when you try to talk, so I don't tend to bother. The people I can open up to are the people with mental health problems.

What you can do when I'm feeling shit is just spend some low key time with me, simple things like watching a film or TV and cooking a meal together. Don't put pressure on me to do big events or parties.

The person with the mental health problem also has a responsibility to not burden their friends. Some openness is good, but friends should not be the people you try to lean on when suicidal or otherwise in crisis.

I also agree the friend needs to set boundaries for themselves.

Zero79me · 10/11/2019 13:51

I find MH scary. I worry whether they will 'flip' if i say the wrong thing, I worry if they kill themselves. I feel scared of unpredictability. I have had an eating disorder, been suicidal, had drepression and anxiety..i still feel scared.
Talking about it never helped me. What helped me is changing how i talked to myself than chatting to anyone who asks me how are you.

Zero79me · 10/11/2019 13:56

By contrast i have been used by others who used me like a tgerapy session and i found their negativity and moods affected my own well being
It was so so tiring. If talking helps your MH get professional help. Talking and making yourself vulnerable to others with no qualification isnt great anyway. Not everyone will know what to say. Its so hard to open up and not everyone will take care of what you say and appreciate that.

Pinkblueberry · 10/11/2019 14:20

@Zero I think it’s very good to be honest about that and maybe more people should be. Helping those with MH conditions isn’t always as easy as just talking to them or having an ‘open door’, so like the OP said posting that sort of thing on SM is often quite insincere/naive and not particularly helpful - even if well meant - it’s easier to say you care than show you care. I think talking about how hard it can be to help those with MH issues is also something that should be talked about more.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/11/2019 14:46

@Zero79me I get what you mean. I once new someone with severe MH issues (don't know exact diagnosis) who had so many triggers that even the most casual conversation was a minefield. Someone could be talking about their dad's dog and she'd then start bawling her eyes out over a dead childhood pet for example. It wasn't that we didn't care its just that no one wanted to be the one who set her off and people would gradually avoid her because they felt so anxious around her.

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