To think that very few people really care about others mental health?

[Whitehorseinthehill]

I keep seeing things on social media about Mental Health awareness. Also people always say that you should talk to someone, speak out.

We get a lot of emails circulating at work about mental health.

My experience is that in reality it is not only extremely difficult to get any type of meaningful medical care, but people don't actually want to hear about it.

When most people ask how you are, they don't really want the truth if it's not good.

And the suggestions make me feel shit, like I am not doing enough to fix myself. Sometimes is just ‘is’.

As @Whitehorseinthehill just said, we wouldn’t stand over someone with cancer, suggesting that they eat more vegetables or that yoga would cure them (as it apparently ‘cured’ someone they know 🙈). Just accepting it, the way you would accept that someone has flu and feels rubbish, would help.

My issue was the SLT at every single meeting or in service day would bang on about nurturing and stress relief and how "their door was always open" yet when I took a panic attack at work I was patronised and belittled and made to feel I was an attention seeking pest. Most workplaces do not practice what they preach.

@FlamingoWingo you sound just like my dh. I have so much sympathy for him as I know he can’t help it but fuck me it’s exhausting and so upsetting to live with. I think from my point of view I keep hoping one day the black cloud will shift and won’t come back again, I have to hope that it won’t be like this always. The thought of the rest of our days being like this fills me with intense sadness and anger. He’s going through a particularly bad time at the moment and I admit my patience isn’t as good as it has been before. After 10 years of this it’s got to the point where I pretty much disengage and deal with the kids and leave him to it. He is missing out on so much. But he isn’t capable of seeing that or even if he can he can’t lift the blackness to meet me half way.

I think certain mental health conditions/the way people are seen to handle them are more accepted/cared about than others - a lot of celebrities talk about anxiety and depression, but then at the same time they are often seen still doing everyday things/making films/performing on tv etc putting on a ‘brave face’ which I think is more respected - and that doesn’t then really get across how debilitating these illnesses can be. There are people with depression and anxiety who haven’t left the house in months/years, they don’t take care of themselves, they don’t have others to help them, they can come across as very difficult and selfish - it’s not quite so pretty or glamorous and I don’t think people are so quick to want to support or have patience in those situations. People are supportive as long as it’s easy and convenient.

@ratsnest, what can people really do?
Just listen. That is the best thing they can do. Don’t rush in offering advice/ meaningless platitudes or trying to resolve stuff which just shuts the conversation down. Let the person talk and get it off their chest. It seems to be really hard for people to just shut the fuck up and listen. Most people prefer to talk about themselves.

@ratsnest- sorry, meant to say I agree with you! Dunno how I cut that off

@Fairylea - I get that. It is really tough. I do have mostly good periods compared to bad now though, it is just Oct - Dec where it seems to rear its head again. But the “more good periods” do come from the right medication, which it took a bipolar diagnosis (rather than unipolar depression) to get.

Maybe there is more help, medication wise, that your DH could try? If the bad days are more frequent than the good. Although saying that, I know how hard it is to encourage someone to ask for more help when they are already feeling like nothing will work.

I wouldn’t want to be on the other side of it, and to be honest, might not be that good at supporting someone myself - when I am feeling well for a while, I actually forget what it is feels like to be really depressed - so I imagine it must be really tough for someone to imagine and have empathy for it

I had sooo many shitty friends like this. One

Thank you @FlamingoWingo I was worried I would upset you with the tone of my post after I pressed post. It’s very hard from all sides isn’t it...

Dh currently takes the absolute maximum dose of Mirtazapine. This is the 4th drug he’s been on and I’m not convinced it’s made any difference whatsoever. The side effects are horrendous. I think he needs to go back to the GP and push for something else but like all these things maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe there isn’t a “cure”. Who knows. Just keep swimming as they say..

YANBU.
Most of the people I see posting how they are "here for you if you need an ear" on my timeline are the same ones who didn't want to know me when I needed a friend the most. One told me to get over it.
So most of it is, IMO, virtue signalling and being "woke" but in reality, they don't care at all.

@Keepyoursockson absolutely! I do understand that people feel a bit helpless if they can't offer advice or problem solve but the power of simply listening, being present & accepting is sometimes (often) enough and is something we can do without specialist training.

Sorry typo one at the moment doesn't reply to texts. She's the one who instigated texting.

Yes!!! What Kristallen says...
It has to be something in the past that we dealt with, it can’t be current and mundane

People are supportive as long as it’s easy and convenient.

That's definitely my experience!

Not only that but if I ever tell someone that I've got MH problems, they are brushed off. "Everyone's got MH problems!" is the most common, extremely dismissive one.

When I was a student, I had a Disabled Students Allowance and told someone I thought was a caring friend about it, who said: "But you get such good marks. Oh well, if you can get something out of it, then go for it." Which made me feel like I was scrounging, and really badly affected me because I already felt guilty for having the DSA in the first place.

People like to think they care, but they really don't! I've just gone back to keeping it to myself again.

I don’t know if having a mental illness will ever be seen as acceptable as having a physical illness - sadly. I see it all the time. The sympathy that people receive if they have a physical illness. People going out of their way to help them - such as cooking a meal etc. I was off work for a year once and barely heard from anyone. My department have just bought flowers for a colleague with a short term physical ailment and yet when I was mentally ill I received nothing. It hurts.

Someone I know with mental health issues is so rude, neurotic and selfish that I will not have her to stay. I know she can’t help it, but I will wipe her out verbally if she pisses me off in my home. She does ask sometimes, but I say no.

I want to support her, and I will happily meet up with her. But having her around me all day is something I can’t cope with. I am a positive, happy person and too much time with her brings me down.

She went away a while back and the owner of the place she’d booked into threw her out after 24 hours and returned her money. I’ve only heard one side of it, but I can guess what she was like.

Friends never give a flying fuck about your mental health, parents and husband's even less. When I'm well it's an excuse to ignore me and use me. Also people with any kind of problem make it about themselves everytime. And its always a minor problem like need more exercise or to shop differently. Or I felt like not going to the supermarket today because its after five.

I think most people do care, they can only give so much and how do you support someone who is suffering with their mental health

It’s often confusing for them, it can be confusing for those around them and it’s emotional too this is why it’s so difficult

Some people do lack empathy and want the drama and have an attitude of if you not going to help yourself blah blah, but when we are offering support that isn’t practical it can also take a toll on ourselves and this people struggle with

I really don’t think most people are that uncaring it’s they don’t know how to give support that’s why that distant support/no emotional attachments often works so well (if available)

I agree generally OP. So difficult for people to understand if they haven’t been there although my dh has recently had good support from his employer.

Fairylea - ten years in:( I found dh on Mirtazipine hard company.

I don’t know if having a mental illness will ever be seen as acceptable as having a physical illness - sadly. I see it all the time. The sympathy that people receive if they have a physical illness. People going out of their way to help them - such as cooking a meal etc. I was off work for a year once and barely heard from anyone. My department have just bought flowers for a colleague with a short term physical ailment and yet when I was mentally ill I received nothing. It hurts.

TOTALLY agree. Someone I work with has chronic pain and fatigue due to a physical illness. She's off sick a lot and complains a lot. Every single day people ask how she is doing, say how hard it must be for her, offer her drinks, sympathise. They can't solve it but are just generally kind and sympathetic and acknowledge how hard it is, management are supportive too.

People with mental health conditions are treated appallingly every day at work, unless they keep silent about it. If they say they are feeling bad or haven't slept people are quick to almost blame them. If they are off sick management just wants rid of them.

Let the person talk and get it off their chest. It seems to be really hard for people to just shut the fuck up and listen. Most people prefer to talk about themselves

What is a person meant to day once someone "gets it off their chest"? I don't know what else to say other than "oh, how awful for you" and offer to put their bins out, take/collect their
child to school or something else practical like that.
The person usually gets all upset and accuses me of not being supportive and then the friendship is ended. They instead prefer to go to people who will hug, let them moan all day but who won't offer any practical help.
It's very confusing (and I have bipolar).

Let the person talk and get it off their chest. It seems to be really hard for people to just shut the fuck up and listen. Most people prefer to talk about themselves

Sorry posted too soon

It’s often very difficult to just sit and listen. When you are emotionally involved with someone the natural response is to want to make them feel better, comfort them but this shuts people down and then at times being lost what to say our natural default is to talk about what we do know about ourselves

I’m a trained therapist and even I struggle at times (we all do that’s why we have supervision)

I think being honest would be better asking how can I support you and knowing your own boundaries (which again is hard until they have been pushed)

I think generally people care, but practically aren't often in the position to offer the support the sufferer wants or needs. Whether that's because they have their own mh problems or other pressures and problems and simply don't have the headspace to support someone else.

I think that people care too. However, as has been mentioned, mental health is a complex issue and requires expert care and support. I will do my best to support friends with MH problems within the limit of my expertise. But ..... I'm a chartered accountant. You wouldn't expect your MH practitioner to offer comprehensive advice on capital gains tax reliefs. So the expectations of some that I should fully understand MH issues is a bit unreasonable.

Help me to understand and I will do my best. But please remember that I have no formal training and no expertise

Is that aimed at me *Enthusiasm?