...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

^ to add, I think it's really unfair on the younger generation to call them "ridiculous" etc simply because times are changing and people aren't taking the time to understand. It's a pattern that has repeated itself for literally centuries: "kids these days" are lazy, disrespectful, etc etc. It was ever thus.

@Drizzzle bit of a stretch there with the gin comment

It's fine to say that you aren't controlling, we can all say anything we like. Your previous thread about alcohol allowances at a party (I don't remember if you had this handle or not then, but it's clearly you, that time you put phones in the kitchen and squabbled over it with presumably a different batch of kids) shows that you are regularly setting arbitrary rules that these kids don't understand. You bring them onto AIBU and don't listen to anyone explaining why your rules are random. Why bother posting at all?

I say 'good for you' OP! I wish more parents would do the same. I'm a teacher and an extortionate amount of time is spent dealing with children (and their parents) who have accessed inappropriate material, posted inappropriate /unacceptable material, or generally misused social media. There are SO many safeguarding issues caused by this and we often suggest police involvement. This doesn't just happen at sleep overs mind you, but I think it's great you're trying to negate this risk. In future, perhaps make it clear to the parents of those attending that you don't allow phones in bedrooms overnight. It's your house and your rules IMO.

Gin is not the same as a phone, that's not a valid analogy. The parents of a 13 year old are unlikely to be happy for them to drink gin, and if they are there is a problem that goes far beyond differing parenting styles.

FWIW, I didn't allow my children to have internet enabled devices in bedrooms, but I had to accept that wasn't a rule I could enforce with other peoples' children because, you know, you can't take other peoples' legally held property.

@CreatedBySombra really? You can't think of any situation that can't be resolved by asking [OP] for help? What if they got their period/had an accident and felt more comfortable ringing their own parents to pick them up rather than having to wake up an adult they've never met before and admit something so embarrassing to them? What if they have MH problems they'd prefer not to discuss with a stranger? What if one of the other kids, specifically OP's own child has bullied or sexually assaulted them - would they really be fine going to OP for help in that scenario?

When I was younger I was assaulted by the dad of the friend I was staying with. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't have been able to ring my own parents from my mobile in the bathroom to come and pick me up. Probably snuck out and tried to walk home miles in the dark.

OP you asked on what grounds you are unreasonable. In addition to the above
a) these phones are the PROPERTY of the children. You cannot take other people's possessions just because they are younger than you.
b) What if there is an emergency and the parent tried to ring/msg the child on the only number they have? You wouldn't be keeping an eye on the phone like the child would
c) You are aware that any of the things you worry about them doing while you are not there to supervise (watching porn, sending nudes) can be done just as easily in the daytime/in the garden/at the park as at night, right?

If you had friends/family visiting would you take their phones off them at midnight OP? If you'd taken my child's phone away from them I wouldn't be happy. My DD gets anxious but is trying to overcome it and going on sleepovers is part of that. She needs to contact me over the course of the night whether that is at 11pm or 3am, I am always there to reassure her. I'd be pretty pissed off it you'd stopped her from being able to do that .

And who sleeps on a sleepover anyway?

Yes goodwinter the problem isn't the entertainment aspect of phones, but the potential for them to be misused to access unsuitable material or to expose their friends or their friends home/parents on the internet. The host parents have the right to privacy in their own home. It's parents' job to be controlling!

Not sure why you bothered really when they could of done all they needed to on their phone until 12. Bullied others, watched porn and sent tit pic's. Because I guess that's the reason you have this rule at sleepovers.

Also to the others who are talking pre phones; more sleepover bullying would happen, bring x rated dvds and does no one remember Eurotrash?
Volume down and on the four channels we all had at that time.
Dc with always get up to something bad if they want too.

Why My son?

OP doesn't "confiscate " their phones! She aska for them to be left in her bedroom overnight just to make sure that nobody uses them for something inappropriate. That shouldn't be difficult to understand, or difficult to accept.

But they could access something inappropriate before the phones were taken away, it's not only after bedtime that the internet has inappropriate content.

And what would you do if my child bought an (expensive ) bottle of gin round and you are of the opinion that it would be controlling to ask them not to use their own property in your house (and to share it)?

I'm sorry but WTF? This is one of the weirdest efforts to back up a point I have ever seen. Oh, and it doesn't work.

I don't understand why you think they will watch inappropriate things at night but not in the day?

Turning off the internet is okay.
Taking the guests’ phones away is inappropriate.

@MrsPworkingmummy but that had their phones until 12 at night. So all the things you said could of still happen.
So what is the reason to Remove the phones?

YABU. The reason, you do not own the phone and you don't pay the bill. You have no right confiscating anyones phone. You're going to make things very difficult for you children with their friends.

We have a strict 'no phones upstairs' rule in our house, everything's charged before bedtime and then left downstairs. I don't really know if I'd relax this during sleepovers as the issue hasn't come up.

I think the OP is within her rights to enforce her own rules in her own house as long as it's made clear to all involved (both teens and their parents) beforehand. I think a better solution than keeping the phones in her bedroom might be to just make sure they're all charged before midnight and then they all go into a locked box. Removes the question that OP might be seeing content on phones and probably cut down on teens trying to sneak phones back.

I don't really understand why teens not being able to contact their parents in the night is such an issue. Surely a simple "feel free to use the landline to call your parents anytime you want to" would solve that?

And my reply is based on the first post. I've not read other comments.

I don't understand why you think they will watch inappropriate things at night but not in the day?

You haven't seen the special night time internet? It's very different to the daytime - pure and unadulterated filth. And pictures of the OP sleeping.

@Drizzzle do you really need it explained?

Maybe because a 13 year old drinking a bottle of gin could kill them. I suppose if the 13 year olds were planning to put their smart phones in their mouth and swallow them that could kill them as well, so no... your analogy was perfect

100% yanbu. Bloody hell cant they do without their phones for a few hours. I'd do the same

Seriously?? Those poor teenagers being treated as though they are still toddlers.

I'm also interested in hearing more from those concerned about me confiscating kids property......

They knew where the phones were, in fact they could see them from the open bedroom door. Would the same arguments apply in respect of say caffeine tablets, Monster/Redbull drinks or fireworks that they brought to our home and I didn't allow them to have them in their bedroom between 12.30am and 8am? As in they are legal property of the teenagers but you'd be happy with me allowing the kids to bring them to a bedroom where 5 teenagers were sleeping? Is it maybe OTT to be shouting accusations about confiscating property?

What a total embarrassment. Those phones are not your property. Your kids will be mortified and will remember this for decades to come.

Another controlling parent. Sad.

I think you’re being deliberately obtuse OP.

Bit of a difference between a can of energy drink and a firework.

A firework can’t be the legal property of a 13 year old you have to be 18 to buy them.

You are not ’interested in hearing from..’ though. You think you are right.