...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

My kids don’t have their phones in their rooms during the night, neither do I for that matter, but I would not enforce a rule like this during a sleepover.

I would also not allow either of my dc to sleepover at another child’s house if this rule was in place. I would genuinely wonder why a parent was so keen to part my child from their only method of outside contact. This may seem over dramatic, but I would be concerned enough to refuse permission for my child to attend.

When my kids have sleepovers, I do allow full access to devices, but I say when I think it’s time to come off them. The kids are usually shattered by that point anyway!! I think yabu.

Would the same arguments apply in respect of say caffeine tablets, Monster/Redbull drinks or fireworks that they brought to our home and I didn't allow them to have them in their bedroom between 12.30am and 8am?

Another bizarre comparison

These things have a LEGAL age limit. By LAW.

Teens are allowed to have phones, so using something they are legally not allowed to try and balance your argument is somewhere skewed.

Many phone contracts come with generous data packages so turning off the wifi won't act as a deterrent.

Your dd should have warned her friends about the rule before the sleepover. When my dd goes I only have the address, name of friend and dd phone number. (She's 16 so it's not a given that a parent is at home so I wouldn't contact the parents)

With regards to your rule- your house your rules but if they were going to watch something inappropriate they could still do it before midnight so I disagree with the safety argument but you know your dd and their internet habits best. My kids have never been to a sleepover with this rule so I think it's worth your DD's warning future invited friends.

You're not "interested".

Pointless thread.

Fireworks wouldn't be the legal property of any 13 year old, so that is another bad analogy. The other things are certainly not ideal, but if their parents want them to have them it's really none of my business.

And the accusation about confiscating property is correct, you have freely admitted that you are taking things which don't belong to you.

“ I was genuinely interested in others views about this.”

No you weren’t. You are enjoying exercising power and boasting about it.

I agree with taking phones from your own teens at night. We had to do the same with DSS as he was on it late and then struggled to get up in the morning.

But at a sleepover, I think it is overly harsh. Part of the fun (so I'm told) is watching funny videos on YouTube or watching things on Netflix.

It is very much NOT your place to confiscate the property of other people, whether they are in your house or not. Do your teens take their phones to school, or have them at other times of day? It confuses me why you think they will only look at inappropriate things at night, tbh. If they want to, they will find a way. Being controlling like this is only going to make them hide their behaviour more, and will cause more issues than it solves.

Myson no the analogy isn't perfect and gin isn't the same as a phone. But I can't think of anything that is the same as a phone so I used an extreme analogy to try to make a point.
So if I taught my teenager to use gin responsibly would it be ok if she brought a bottle to a sleepover? You've got to trust teenagers,don't you? And not be controlling or confiscate their property?

Anyway, Some parents worry that phones can be used to harm others and would prefer them not to be used during a sleepover, I can't see how that is so upsetting to some parents.
And I think we all know that teenagers are more likely access unsuitable things or do unsuitable things after parents have gone to bed!

This is standard practice locally - my eldest is 14 but in a friendship group with eifht 14-16 year olds, dc2 is 12 and his friends are 11-13, and none of the parents let them keep their phones in the bedroom/ room they're sleeping in on sleepovers.

We leave them in the living room though, expecting other people's children to seek you out in your bedroom is the only unreasonable bit.

On the 12 year old's bigger sleepover (more than one friend over) I channel my former secondary school teacher self and enforce no screens and quiet (whispered conversations, reading and card games ok, TV/ X box off and phones and tablets removed) after midnight and stay up til about 1am to enforce it. Dc2 says this is good as one of his friends is completely a bit giddy and wild when over tired and over excited, and annoys the others in the absence of a parent acting like a teacher and the others wouldn't want him invited if the host parents "couldn't control him".

DD's friends ask where to charge their phones automatically and sort themselves out without needing any parental input but I don't think they're creeping around to get phones back - DD's can only be used for calls after 10pm anyway, all the other functions are unavailable til 6am.

@Drizzzle I can't belive you seriously need this spelling out to you but as you've asked:

-Because it is illegal for 13 y/o to drink gin. It is not illegal for them to own mobile phones
-Drinking a large amount of gin could seriously harm a 13 y/o with physical effect ranging from vomiting to in extreme cases death. While there may be some long term psychological damage to children using phones, they are not in any immediate physical danger of using a phone for one night
-The vast majority of parents would not send their children off to a sleepover with a bottle of gin and expect them to drink it. Most parents would send their children with their phone and expect them to have access to it.

@greenlobster how many households have a landline these days? I don't. And even if they did, this would be in the centre of the house, without any of the privacy you get from sending a surreptitious text or Whatsapp saying 'mum, can you come and get me, I don't want to stay because I've just come on/got a bad stomach/friend is being horrible to me/trying to make me drink their gin/their stepdad has just grabbed my bum,' etc. Also most people don't know numbers off by heart anymore so would have to get their phones to get their parents number to dial anyway.

Those parents that know of the rule or have been in touch with me have my number and know where I live

OP they should have the right to contact their own children (and vice versa), without a middle man (ie you) and via the device that they themselves purchased for the purpose.

My daughter would be mortified if I did this. And I have to say I don't get the whole taking away of phones overnight thing. What's wrong with telling them when their bedtime is and trusting them to go to sleep?

Why are ppl going on about phones are legal? Of course the hardware is legal but Pornography/sexting/gambling are not legal at 13 but you have them right there in your bedroom with you if you have a phone without any parental controls on it and a good data package.

And before anyone starts shouting about me being controlling and searching kids bags etc of course I don't! I am, however, very much aware of them having phones

And indeed I am very much aware of the possibility of kids accessing inappropriate internet content during the day and before 12.30am. However, every parent has their own conversations, filters applied, relationship with their kids around that and that is as it should be. In a sleepover situation, however, all that is muddied. There are 5 teenagers with phones and each of their parents having different rules, expectations, levels of awareness etc and I do feel in some way responsible if in my home I facilitate access to something on one kids phone that the other parents would not condone, that's just who I am.

I am also conscious that the most mature and trustworthy kid does not make their best decisions at 3am surrounded by friends! And that plays on my mind too.

Many of the parents of 13 year olds that I know have no sleepover rules for these reasons. I don't want the kids to not have the fun/camaraderie of sleepovers and this to me is a good compromise. But obviously I'm going to have to give it more thought....

The gin is still a bad analogy, even if the 13 year is using it responsibly there is no reason for them to have it, and you'd have to be an exceptionally bad parent to provide your child with gin. They can legally own and use phones, and there are many legitimate reasons for them to have a phone, especially if they are away from home.

My child wouldn't be coming to your sleepover if I knew you were going to take away their phone. On a number of occasions they have called me for reassurance or to ask to be collected. You having their phone would prevent that. Sleepovers can be quite highly charged emotionally.
Besides, part of the fun of a sleepover is sharing games and videos all night.

I can see both sides - your house your rules, however I can also see that having a mobile with them can help kids who need to get out of an uncomfortable situation to
access help they know and trust, which with the best will in the world isn't necessarily you no matter how good you think your relationship with the visiting teenagers is. I also wonder what you think they would do after midnight that they wouldn't do before midnight and that you could possibly have unclenched a little for a sleepover.

Ok , gin is illegal when you're 13 and your parents aren't present. But I hope you all get the point (?) about phone and the way they are used being potentially harmful?

Why are ppl going on about phones are legal? Of course the hardware is legal but Pornography/sexting/gambling are not legal at 13 but you have them right there in your bedroom with you if you have a phone without any parental controls on it and a good data package.

Because people were using alcohol/fireworks/caffeine tablets/every drinks which are ILLEGAL as some sort of comparison. Phones are legal.

Nobody mentioned the content but if you want to go down that road no under 18's should have a phone ever.

Mind you everyone I know still has a landline and we don't have mobile reception in our village - obviously WhatsApps can be sent over wi-fi but the landline is the only option for calls... It's like that in loads of the villages around here, so I suppose the teens don't see their phones as the lifeline/ only way to contact the outside world some people on here seem to be describing.

It wouldn't bother me if my sons had gone to a sleepover where phones were not allowed in bedrooms overnight, but I do think you are being slightly ridiculous. There is nothing stopping them doing all the same things before midnight as after. As for sleep, aren't sleepovers supposed to be about staying awake as long as possible and being daft (ie behaving like teenagers?) you could also, as has already been suggested, turn off the WiFi and/or put on parental controls.

What do your own children do when they go on sleepovers? Hand their phone to the parent and ask them to look after it till morning? I think not.

When my boys had sleepovers they all slept downstairs anyway, watching movies, eating pizza and haribo, and probably playing on their phones. After I'd gone to bed (around 2ish) they could have been up to anything (even if they had been upstairs). You need trust to raise teenagers imo, Ive always trusted my teens to behave unless they give me cause not to. And so far they haven't.

When my 14 yo so has friends to stay over, they all hand over their phones at around midnight. Their parents do the same, no one cares, it’s not a big deal.

I believe in 'my house, my rules' so I don't have a problem with OP removing phones. BUT I think it should be made absolutely clear to the kids and parents beforehand that this will be the case. Then the parents can make an informed decision as to whether or not they will allow their child to attend, and the kids can decide if they want to attend knowing their phone will be confiscated. I'd allow my child to go if he wanted to, but I would have them put a password lock on their phone.

Mine are grown now and smartphones weren't around 'back then', but I do know of one parent who would have absolutely gone trawling through a phone to see if the owner was a 'suitable friend' for their child. The same parent who felt it was fine to confiscate and destroy CDs (yes this was years ago) brought to a party by other children that she felt were 'inappropriate'. She destroyed an autographed CD belonging to my son, one that he'd stood hours in line for. I was furious. She was unapologetic.

(That’s son, obviously, I don’t have a 14yo significant other!)

Those that consider that I am being unreasonable - can I ask on what grounds

I'd prefer my son not having to bother you if he needed me in the night. Highly unlikely that he would, but would you really prefer them to disturb you at 3am?

To be honest you were tolerant arguing until 4am! I’d have phoned their parents to collect by then I do agree with this!

If you feel so strongly about kids having phones, it's probably better not to invite them overnight.