...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

DianaT1969 Not everyone was perfectly fine. Some teenagers would have had to cope with bad situations that a quick text could have got them out of, sexual assault even. I'm in my 30's and I didn't have a mobile phone until I was 15, and thankfully, yes I was fine, but not everyone was. I am glad that my 13 year old could text me for help if he ever needed it.

It's been mentioned a few times before, but primary school sleepovers are different, the parents usually know each other, it all changes very quickly when they move to secondary.

Your house your rules.

I said a child with compromised breathing whose medication isn’t working needs a doctor, and I would get one. Via the emergency services, not her flipping mum.

The mum might be perfectly capable of dealing with the situation themselves. Yes, the child might need an ambulance in which case call one. But they might not.

I see no.problem.with the child alerting their parent whilst at the same time calling for you.

I see no.problem.with the child alerting their parent whilst at the same time calling for you.

I see no problem with it either, but first they need to alert me. And by then I would be seeking medical help because - even if their mum doesn’t think so - I know that the situation as described merits medical intervention. Once I had sought that help, the child would be welcome to call home if they were capable of it, or I would do so.

It’s not a reason to say a host can’t have a no-phones in the bedroom rule.

I'm stunned that people are actually arguing with others over their children with medical issues.

Seriously

It doesn't take a genius to work out that a teen with a known medical problem is more likely to text mum at the subtle warning signs. By the time they tell a host parent the situation would be much more advanced.

Those saying they wouldn't like their DC going for a sleepover without access to their phones overnight, hpw do you think my generation coped? We were perfectly fine. I don't think you are helping your DC with this mindset.

For a lot of us the issue isn't the phone, but an adult without parental responsibility taking away a teenager's personal property.

You'd presumably oppose an unrelated adult confiscating your visiting teenager's wallet or medicines?

What if you had a teenager over for a sleepover who was taking controlled medications like anxiety or pain meds, that could potentially be abused by other teens? Would you take them away because "safeguarding"?

I worry a little with the "under my own roof" argument, having seen it go spectacularly wrong with family and friends resulting in unwanted (in one case teenage) pregnancies, drug abuse and prison.

I think if you are sensible about it and clear it is limited with your own children. I am not sure I would take the risk and responsibility of other peoples' children.

churchandstate

I've been 100% behind you on the phone thing - I'm very much "my rules go" when it comes to 11pm and the sanctity of sleep!

Interesting that we differ on alcohol (and by "alcohol" I mean one small M and S can - not a party - I wouldn't even throw a party).

If your DC was invited to a sleepover and (say) I, as the host, asked if you would be ok with your DC being offered an M and S cocktail, would you not let her come, or let her come but say "no" to the cocktail (which I would of course respect)?

It doesn't take a genius to work out that a teen with a known medical problem is more likely to text mum at the subtle warning signs. By the time they tell a host parent the situation would be much more advanced.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that they can just ask for their phone back for that. If it’s not urgent, what’s the problem? And if it is urgent, come and get me.

I’m all for my children following the rules of the homes my dc stay at. I’ve always told them, they may do things different to us, but whilst you are there you are part of the household and therefore their rules.

However, dc14 is very social and outgoing, as well as polite (so says every parent- I sometimes wish he was the same in our home! Lol). But there have been a few times where for example I was due to collect him at 2pm. But he has text and said ‘please can you collect me at 10:30am and say we have to go somewhere’. It’s always because he’s not feeling well, too much eating crap and lack of sleep, and doesn’t want to appear ungrateful or that their generosity has made him unwell. So for that reason I would like his phone kept on him, in case he wanted to contact me during the night, and didn’t want to disturb the parents, as I know he would put that off until he was sick everywhere, hoping that instead it wouldn’t just get better.

Luckily we’ve never had a parent take away phone for him or ds19, when he went for sleepovers, so I’ve never had to deal with it- thankfully!

church as I have yet to see you post anything remotely sensible on the subject, please excuse me if I simply ignore your suggestions.

If your DC was invited to a sleepover and (say) I, as the host, asked if you would be ok with your DC being offered an M and S cocktail, would you not let her come, or let her come but say "no" to the cocktail (which I would of course respect)?

In all honesty, it would depend what I knew about you and your family. We’ve seen it on here, haven’t we? People prepared to lie and sneak about to subvert the “authoritarian” parenting choices of other people. I know there would be some people who would give alcohol to my child even if I had said no. If I trusted you I would let her go.

habipprtyh

You’re excused.

phone and medication isn't comparable.

A parent taking a child's medication away is abusive

Happygoldfinch dd socially awkward I would be wary of alcohol becoming an answer. It can start very young and yes prob more dangerous than phone use on a sleepover.

A parent taking a child's medication away is abusive

It depends, though, doesn’t it? I have a three year old. I wouldn’t want codeine tablets being taken into the bedrooms in my house. I’d want them in the medicine cupboard in case of accidents. So again, my house, my rules. Obviously the medication wouldn’t be withheld, but what’s the problem with a 12 year old coming to an adult and saying it’s time to take my pills?

At the very least as a parent I would want a clear warning that the host parent intended to remove my child's personal property.

Tbh I'd consider this a warning sign of a potentially abusive adult.

@Happygoldfinch Parents saying no to their child staying is something you need to consider when you decide. It'll depend how well you know them

DD1's best friend is allowed alcohol here, but not elsewhere because her Mum knows how I deal with things. My own DDs are not allowed alcohol at one of their friends houses because it's an absolute free-for-all and there's been several spiking issues (although thankfully both had decided against it before I even said it)

If you are doing one drink then I'd recommend you buy them. That saves a lot of hassle

Also be prepared for at least one of them to be "drunk". Not actually drunk, but amusing teenage girl "OMG I've had a sniff of alcohol therefore I have to giggle and say 'I think I'm drunk' several times a minute" It can be highly amusing

church you're coming across as a bit unhinged now. You are the parent of a toddler, for goodness sake, not a teen. It's very different when they grow. People have patiently explained this repeatedly but you keep doubling down.

Most people have supported the OP in having screen-free nights normally and most disagree applying it to visitors and sleepovers.

If you're taking their phones, may aswell take their wallets, could be used to buy drugs, can never be to safe

People have patiently explained this repeatedly but you keep doubling down.

Nobody needs to explain to me that I am the parent of a toddler, however patiently. If they wish to explain to me that I am not entitled to a view because I am the parent of a toddler, that’s easy: they’re wrong.

@lovemylot1 When staying with us other kids got in trouble which I will never forget

Well perhaps if they had had access to a mobile phone to call their parents to say they weren’t comfortable with what was going on then they wouldn’t have got into trouble?

I recall attending a party when I was 12 or 13, yr 8. The mother had allowed alcohol. My sister was also there as it was a neighbour. My sister was only 10. There were boys there. Lots of snogging going on and some kids disappeared upstairs together. God knows what they got up to. I felt very vulnerable and pretended I felt ill so went to sit with the mother who was in the other room (she hadn’t gone near the party for fear of embarrassing her kids ). TThis same woman was quite happy to let her 15 year old daughter go out with a man of 23. Double . I have been in touch with the daughter as adults and she says that looking back she doenst know what her mum was thinking of, allowing these things to happen. She would have loved her to put more rules in place.

At thar party if I had had a mobile (was in the 80s) I would have texted my mum and told her what was going on and she would have come to collect me. She thought she knew her friend and neighbor well but I guess she didn’t even think that she would be condoning underage drinking, with kids as young as 10 present.

I would not like to send my children on a sleepover where they didn’t not has access to a mobile to call me if they felt vulnerable, so they would not be coming to your house, OP or anyone else who agreed with The OP.

I discuss all sorts with my kids and spend a lot of time with them and I I trust my teens enough to know that they would tell me if any of their friends sleeping over at our house was using their phone inappropriately. As it is they are a bunch of loveable geeky types whose idea of funny is sometimes questionable.

Health risks:
• Drinking alcohol can damage a child's health, even if they're 15 or older. It can affect the normal development of vital organs and functions, including the brain, liver, bones and hormones.
• Beginning to drink before age 14 is associated with increased health risks, including alcohol-related injuries, involvement in violence, and suicidal thoughts and attempts.
• Drinking at an early age is also associated with risky behaviour, such as violence, having more sexual partners, pregnancy, using drugs, employment problems and drink driving.

You would take the phone away but alcohol is fine?
Pps have already said they get boisterous when they are together. Alcohol is way worse pumping in their blood streams.

Tbh I'd consider this a warning sign of a potentially abusive adult

Really? So if your teen had a sleepover with my teen and I said “we have a no phones upstairs after X time rule, I’d like to put your child’s phone with my child’s phone overnight. Here’s my number in case you need to get in touch, tell your teen that if they need to use their phone just to let me know/get my teen to get me” you would think I was potentially abusive?

tornmum1

I find it odd that op cited 1 reason for the phone ban as being to prevent the teens from arranging to meet up with another group and then sneaking out in the middle of the night.

If she really thinks they are likely to do this I suggest she has bigger fish to fry than removing the phones. What's to stop the meet up being arranged before the confiscation of the phones? It's all quite weird. From her description the teens already sound challenging in their behaviour. Maybe that needs to be addressed before hosting sleepovers?