...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

Mummyoflittledragon I work for CAMHS in a busy inner city area so we see a lot of troubled teens. A lot are from ‘nice’ high-achieving middle class homes, especially girls with eating disorders. Parental expectations too high for some sensitive kids.

Look, try and remember talking is better than confiscating. They can access all this stuff well before you remove phones at 9pm or whenever.

We disagree. I can’t say plainer.

OP took mobile phones away from a group of 13 yos staying overnight as per her rules (for, what she believes, are safeguarding issues) and two of them make a fuss. Think that about covers it. Some posters need to get a grip.

I don't agree with the op but it's up to her what she does with her own children.

What I really have the problem with is not telling the visiting children and parents what her rules are beforehand. She is wrong for imposing these rules once the children are stuck in her home.

It also concerns me that she argued with them for 4 hours. Were they requesting their phones and she refused? What if they wanted to phone their parents to come and get them? Was she refusing to let them do that?

@MauritiusNext

13

churchandstate to avoid impulsive and unhealthy behaviour we teach our teens to not use emotional mind or rational mind but to find the middle path - wise mind. I suggest you do the same.

Hearhooves
Exactly, which goes back to the asthma attack example and similar. A wrong decision by a clueless idiot meaning well can be deadly. But hey, according to church that’s just a “calculated risk” parents take when they leave children to sleep in another parents house. Because telephones out of the bedroom is soooo much mor me important.

And yes, we may share the same mother. Except I didn’t rebel. I hid.

I am responding to Math’s posts, in which she says her child would not seek help from the host, and would instead text her to call the parents. And this is according to her instructions.

Where did she say she had told her child not to seek adult help but to call her instead? Could you point out where she said that, only clearly I've missed it.

Thelittledog

We had reason to be referred to CAMHS last year. The person we saw was great and gave us techniques to deal with anxiety related meltdowns that we still use now. I can pinpoint dd starting to be able to manage her emotions better to that time. Thank you for the work you do. I'm sure you get loads of complaints so wanted to say something positive and CAMHS made a big difference to us

churchandstate to avoid impulsive and unhealthy behaviour we teach our teens to not use emotional mind or rational mind but to find the middle path - wise mind. I suggest you do the same.

Thanks for the condescending advice. I am not sure what makes you think I don’t do this.

Where did she say she had told her child not to seek adult help but to call her instead? Could you point out where she said that, only clearly I've missed it.

Re-read it?

So much easier to text me, and I would talk to the parents and everything could be sorted immediately. Time and keeping stress to a minimum both matter during an asthma attack.

But here. In this scenario, the child having the attack is encouraged to text home, rather than ask the host for help.

Dangerous on so many levels.

Mummyoflittledragon.

I hid in many ways too. Made decisions that have affected my whole life because that was what she wanted. I did rebel but only when I thought she wouldn't find out. The obvious stuff I have always toed her line.

for you. People think strict parents keep children safe, they don't. They ruin lives.

What I really have the problem with is not telling the visiting children and parents what her rules are beforehand.

I agree @Hearhoovesthinkzebras. It was more a comment on the hours of arguing on this thread and making links between agreeing with the OP and being an unreasonable authoritarian parent.

But here. In this scenario, the child having the attack is encouraged to text home, rather than ask the host for help.

That's just your interpretation. Nath clearly says they would then contact the adults in charge immediately. The child texting their parent also doesn't prevent said child from alerting the hosts immediately too.

TheLittleDog
Thanks for responding. The friend I talked about upthread, who was talking about self harming is also from what would be considered a nice middle class family... low level neglect would perhaps be the best description.

That's just your interpretation. Nath clearly says they would then contact the adults in charge immediately. The child texting their parent also doesn't prevent said child from alerting the hosts immediately too.

It’s pretty clearly what is meant. Math talks about calling the host parent herself to inform them, suggesting that, at this point, the child who clearly needs medical intervention is sitting in a bathroom somewhere, texting her mother, rather than getting one of her friends to go for immediate help. Which is the only thing you should be telling your kids to do, in my opinion. And yes, I am First Aid trained, so I know that is what should be happening. Not this crackpot plan to text people and get them to ring people and not wake anybody up.

People think strict parents keep children safe, they don't. They ruin lives.

That's very dramatic. My strict parents didn't, I had a wonderful childhood and still have a very good and open relationship with them.

You’re the one sending them out to sleep in the homes of “clueless idiots”, Mummy. “Clueless idiots” who you have, by the way, failed to brief about your child’s serious health needs.

You don't knowingly send them to clueless idiots. Just wait until your dd is of an age. You don't know the parents of their friends. You may well speak to them but you don't know them. You can explain a condition to them and what they should do. They can agree with what you ask. It doesn't mean that in the moment they will remember what you said or even recognise what is happening. They might think an asthma attack is a full blown blue child unable to breathe. They might not realise that it could be more subtle than that particularly initially. So no intent to be neglectful and have not given the parents any reason to doubt their ability but in the moment they don't react correctly. Much better that the child can also contact the parent for help too.

Under what circumstances would you contact a child's parent? Would you exercise any element of judgement?

That's very dramatic. My strict parents didn't, I had a wonderful childhood and still have a very good and open relationship with them

Thats nice to know.

Out of interest, what do you say to the multiple posters on here who say their strict parents made them secretive and frightened and to the CAMHS therapist who sees multiple young people adversely affected by very strict and controlling parents?

is sitting in a bathroom somewhere, texting her mother, rather than getting one of her friends to go for immediate help.

This is turning into Jackanory.

Where does "my child can text me if they are unwell and I can call the host" turn into the child is hiding in a bathroom and not asking their friend to get their parent?

How about ill child asks her friend to get help whilst calling her own mother for help? Just as likely a scenario as your invented one.

Do everyone a favour when it comes to your dd and sleepovers and be very explicit to her friends and her parents exactly what your rules and regulations are.

You can explain a condition to them and what they should do. They can agree with what you ask. It doesn't mean that in the moment they will remember what you said or even recognise what is happening. They might think an asthma attack is a full blown blue child unable to breathe. They might not realise that it could be more subtle than that particularly initially. So no intent to be neglectful and have not given the parents any reason to doubt their ability but in the moment they don't react correctly. Much better that the child can also contact the parent for help too.

In my home, a child asking to contact their parents would never be refused. However, I would be extremely angry if, as is being advocated by some people here, a child was sent to stay with me and I wasn’t informed of a serious health condition, or how to deal with it, and the child was instead instructed to contact home and not tell me they were ill. That’s what has actually been said here

I appreciate that you don’t always know if someone is an idiot or not. But I am not. And in my house, the child would get their phone back as soon as they needed it, and I would have called an ambulance in this situation anyway.

The presence of a health condition isn’t a good enough reason, in my house, to ignore my rules, providing you as the parent have done the responsible thing and briefed me, because I would always seek immediate medical help for the child if needed.

If you don’t trust me to do that, don’t send your child. But under no circumstances would I accept what is being suggested here as responsible parenting.

@churchandstate
When the hell did I say I didn’t inform parents about dds medical condition? They have been fully briefed, and made aware dd has written instructions when taking dd out for the day etc. I was talking about “clueless idiots” who don’t know asthma is deadly, not how to treat RAS.