...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

What I really have the problem with is not telling the visiting children and parents what her rules are beforehand. She is wrong for imposing these rules once the children are stuck in her home

Does this go for all rules or just phone ones?

How about ill child asks her friend to get help whilst calling her own mother for help? Just as likely a scenario as your invented one.

She doesn’t need her mother at that moment. She needs a doctor. I would get one, then call her mother. All this phoning home is doing is wasting time.

Do everyone a favour when it comes to your dd and sleepovers and be very explicit to her friends and her parents exactly what your rules and regulations are.

Absolutely.

WendyMoira thanks. It’s a great service but extremely poorly funded by the current government although an influx of cash from May has allowed a very strong DBT programme which is really helping teens and families. I can’t stress enough what an important role parents play. A lot of kids are diagnosed with all kinds of mental health conditions when really they are reacting to their environment - home, school, social media.

When the hell did I say I didn’t inform parents about dds medical condition? They have been fully briefed, and made aware dd has written instructions when taking dd out for the day etc. I was talking about “clueless idiots” who don’t know asthma is deadly, not how to treat RAS.

I was actually talking about Math (since you were defending this strategy). In her case, it’s clear the parents haven’t been briefed and the child has been told to call home.

In your case, as I have already said, your DD would have to miss the sleepover, as for you, it’s not acceptable for her not to have her phone.

Just out of interest, and using this thread as a bit of a piggy-back because I'm too nervous to post as an OP, where do people stand on letting your 15 year olds (with parents' permission) have a cocktail can each at a sleepover? Like one of the M and S ones. I'm not sure where the law is on this. I'm one of the anti-phones-in-the-room-after-11pm brigade, but I'd be ok with letting DD's friends have a cocktail can each, if their parents gave permission. That, I suppose, reveals how harmful I consider phones to be!

@churchandstate
Bullshit. You addressed me by name.

She doesn’t need her mother at that moment. She needs a doctor. I would get one, then call her mother. All this phoning home is doing is wasting time.

You would call a Dr for a visiting child? Are you in the UK? Good luck with that.

How do you know said child needs a Dr anyway? I don't think that's your call to make, at all. Certainly not without talking to the parents unless it is becoming worthy of dialling 999.

Just out of interest, and using this thread as a bit of a piggy-back because I'm too nervous to post as an OP, where do people stand on letting your 15 year olds (with parents' permission) have a cocktail can each at a sleepover? DS is only 13 so I'm not quite there yet, but I'd say 16 for something comparable in strength to a beer or cider.

Happygoldfinch you’re taking your life in your hands here

@Happygoldfinch probably not with other people's children. Is it really necessary? With family or in own home wouldn't have a problem.

@Happygoldfinch I honestly think you should start a thread on that. Not because you shouldn't have here but I think that's a good discussion to have. In response though, personally I wouldn't like it as my child has autism and she'd struggle with the "rule breaking" of that scenario . I wouldn't like her to be put on that position. I also think you'd be stirring up a lot of problems for yourself when some are allowed and some aren't not to mention the possibility of opening up floodgates with smuggled in vodka or something. For me I wouldn't have this as a possibility but wouldn't really judge anyone who did.

How do you know said child needs a Dr anyway? I don't think that's your call to make, at all. Certainly not without talking to the parents unless it is becoming worthy of dialling 999.

I am speechless here. You think the people you are sending your child to stay with can’t seek medical help for your child without asking you? In a situation where she is having an asthma attack that isn’t responding to her medication?

Please keep your children at home.

Those saying they wouldn't like their DC going for a sleepover without access to their phones overnight, hpw do you think my generation coped? We were perfectly fine. I don't think you are helping your DC with this mindset.

My DD is used to the (very) occasional glass of whatever I'm having and so it wouldn't be anything too unusual for her - I'm trying to raise her to be unexcited by alcohol. But I genuinely don't know what other parents' experiences are!

Happygoldfinch

If the parents agree, and only if I had personally spoken to them, then I would allow it so.long as I was there on hand.

I know lots of people disagree with letting teens drink any alcohol at all though but ime allowing some makes it seem less exciting and I would much rather them.do this under my roof in a safe environment than over the park with a bottle of vodka and in danger of all sorts happening to them.

I was lucky that all of my children had sensible.parents and we all agreed on the main things.

Agree @DianaT1969 as I said before - get a grip

I am speechless here. You think the people you are sending your child to stay with can’t seek medical help for your child without asking you? In a situation where she is having an asthma attack that isn’t responding to her medication?

You said you would call a Dr. That would take hours here in the UK. If it was bad enough to require urgent medical help you should call 999 not a Dr.

Just out of interest, and using this thread as a bit of a piggy-back because I'm too nervous to post as an OP, where do people stand on letting your 15 year olds (with parents' permission) have a cocktail can each at a sleepover? Like one of the M and S ones. I'm not sure where the law is on this. I'm one of the anti-phones-in-the-room-after-11pm brigade, but I'd be ok with letting DD's friends have a cocktail can each, if their parents gave permission. That, I suppose, reveals how harmful I consider phones to be!

@Happygoldfinch You take your life in your hands with that question on here. I had a thread a while back about my girls' 16th party and alcohol and I was labelled everything from anally uptight shit parent (because I strongly restrict the alcohol their 15/16/17 friends were allowed to bring) to a ridiculously permissive shit parent

FWIW I allowed a couple of canned or bottled drinks (although at the time only cider/beer. I now would allow a pre mix drink - I hadn't through of them at the time, (another thing I had my arse handed to me for when I wouldn't allow a teen to bring vodka and coke) as long as the parents gave permission and bags were all dumped in the kitchen (to ensure no-one had more than a couple)

I also made them leave their phones in the kitchen overnight, but they had easy access as they were crashing in the living room and there was an adult up all night (one of my DD's has a medical condition that means someone is around 24 hours), but it meant I didn't have the 2am snapchat issues that were common in the school at the time.

Happygoldfinch the sensible approach is probably what you’re doing, don’t make it appealing by it being taboo. Encourage teens to know their limits, understand what alcohol feels like and not depend on it as a social tool.

You said you would call a Dr. That would take hours here in the UK. If it was bad enough to require urgent medical help you should call 999 not a Dr.

I said a child with compromised breathing whose medication isn’t working needs a doctor, and I would get one. Via the emergency services, not her flipping mum.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling - good point about putting other kids in the awkward position of them wanting to say "no". And I've been arguing against you throughout the phone thread!
I suppose I know myself how alcohol can help inhibitions to be lost a little and can help lubricate conversation, which is why it's in my thoughts. My DD is quite socially awkward and finds it hard to "get going" - which is one of the reasons I'm not a fan of guests with phones. Alcohol, yes - phones no! What an outcome of thought!

Those saying they wouldn't like their DC going for a sleepover without access to their phones overnight, hpw do you think my generation coped? We were perfectly fine. I don't think you are helping your DC with this mindset.

I don't think you can generalise. I'm 50 so was of that generation. Many of us weren't perfectly fine and some people have explained what happened to them on this thread.

And I wouldn’t give my 15 year old or yours alcohol, no.

@Happygoldfinch
I’d say wait til everyone is 16 maybe? Deffo get parental permission. For a range of reasons some parents wouldn’t be ok at 16 and I’ve read a thread, where the op is pissed off when their nt, healthy 18 yo has been given a glass of champagne. They’ve been told to give their head a wobble.