...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

Thus proving you are an authoritative parent.

I think you might mean “authoritarian”, but no, it doesn’t. My DD is my responsibility and there are rules. Those rules aren’t and needn’t be considered “authoritarian”. It’s called parenting.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling

I suspect you would, yes.

How will you vet these friends and their parents then? On what basis will you decide that she can sleepover?

In various ways, as I’m sure you do.

I work in a school and fully support the no phones policy. As a parent I don’t allow any devices or even a TV in my teens’ bedrooms. But I would NEVER do what you do, OP, and confiscate other kids’ phones during what is a social occasion.

You have absolutely no idea what they might need access to their phone for and it’s arrogance on your part to assume that you know best. I know kids with mental health issues who use their phone to text or call mental health professionals, or even just their parents. Or kids with eating disorders who may need to text their parents for support. Or kids with social anxiety who are being very brave in attending a sleepover. Keeping their social life up with close friends is very important to these kids so to deprive them of sleepovers because they know you will take their source of emotional support away is just wrong.

Yes I do mean authoritarian. And yes you are. You’re really not equipped to discuss any of these sort of topics with such a young child.

You’re really not equipped to discuss any of these sort of topics with such a young child.

I disagree.

mathanxiety agree with all your points.

churchandstate you have a LOT to learn and I hope you don’t make your dd’s life miserable with your inflexibility when she grows up! In my experience, the only way to survive having a teenager is through a mutual balance of autonomy and respect.

you have a LOT to learn and I hope you don’t make your dd’s life miserable with and your inflexibility when she grows up! In my experience, the only way to survive having a teenager is through a mutual balance of autonomy and respect.

I strongly suspect my DD has as good a chance of being happy, balanced and respectful as most, and more than some.

larrygrylls Sun 10-Nov-19 05:51:56

And as for coming at this ‘from a position of fear’, I think the parents who think they need to be contactable 24/7 are the fearful ones who are not allowing their teens to build basic age appropriate resilience.

Yeah, all you need in an asthma attack is age appropriate resilience.

Same goes for a party where a bunch of uncouth teenage boys show up. 'Age appropriate resilience' is what I have always counseled my daughters in a case like that . Stick it out, I tell them. It's a character builder.

Or leave and walk home and tell me nothing. Of course nobody will follow you, and what could possibly go wrong if a girl on her own or a pair of teenage girls sets out on their own to get home after the last bus because they fear the stink their parents would raise about parties and 'influences' if they contacted them to ask for a lift...

The character trait I hope to encourage in my DCs is trust in me, and the ability to make sound decisions about situations where self preservation might be necessary. 'Making sound decisions' sometimes involves realising they are in over their heads and asking for help, or recognising that one of their friends needs someone to step in and take care of him or her, and calling you.

Trust of teenagers is something parents earn. It's not a given. It's not about being cool. It's not about being popular. It's about having an air of competence, confidence, and maturity, and being able to listen, listen, listen, and respond in a measured way.

For what it's worth, I am 55, and I grew up with one rotary phone in the house.

I'd quite like to know what the op was arguing for 4 hours about? Was a child asking for the phone and she was saying no for 4 hours? How did she know why they wanted it? Maybe they wanted to go home but we're too scared to say it to the ops face?

My son went on a sleepover once with a friend that we knew really well. I was good friends with the mum too. This was before they had mobile phones. He got upset as they went to bed (primary school age) and asked to come home but she wouldn't let him. She really thought that he would settle down and enjoy it eventually. He didn't. He went to bed and cried all night. Wouldn't go on another sleepover for years. If he'd had a phone he could have called us himself rather than relying on the decision of another adult.

Yeah, all you need in an asthma attack is age appropriate resilience.

I didn’t realise they were making inhaler phones now.

I’m a teacher too, church

Schools are on very shaky ground when they remove a child’s property from them on a semi permanent basis.

99 times out of 100 parents don’t make a fuss. Still be dodgy ground if they did.

Schools are on very shaky ground when they remove a child’s property from them on a semi permanent basis.

Overnight isn’t semi-permanent, and no, they are not. Check the law.

mathanxiety nailed it again!

*@TheLittleDogLaughed. Agree.

Church. I think you're a rather clueless mother of a very young child over who you have the ultimate say at this early stage. I think (hope) you'll find that your beliefs and parenting will evolve over time as she grows up and you see the person she becomes and you will realise that the rules and parenting you advocate now will not fly when she starts thinking for herself and asserting her own wishes. I really hope this happens because I have seen families where it doesn't, where the parents rule without changing to accommodate increasing maturity. I know the outcomes and they're not pretty. There is a balance between free rein and total control and some parents of very young children don't realise this when they're shouting about what they will and won't allow. Some move and become flexible and some don't and the ones that don't are the ones who create unhappy and rebellious teens who don't tell you anything. I think/hope you'll think very differently in a decade.

will not fly

My DD making the rules will not fly, Wendy. If that makes me a clueless mother, I am also a monkey’s uncle. I think you are wrong. What else can I say?

@mathanxiety
Brilliant post and great wit. 👋👋👋 I so wish I had had this sort of parenting and I am striving to do so with my dd. I’m obviously behind you on this one with an 11 yo but love reading your posts and those from other wise posters as they help me get ready for the years ahead.

I’m not sure if this has been mentioned as the thread is far too long now to read all the comments, but I would also want my teen to be able to call me if they felt vulnerable because of the behaviour of the parents hosting. A hosting parent or step-parent could be a secret alcoholic or abuser and you and your child may have no idea about this until in that house for any length of time. Taking away their safety net is wrong. A teenage girl should be able to call a parent to come and get them if their friend’s mum’s new boyfriend is looking at them in such a way as to feel uncomfortable, or if their friend’s parents end up rowing. Or even just being overly authoritarian

churchandstate we are inner city London. If school kept her phone overnight I would be very concerned about her journey home with no mode of communication. So much can go wrong. No schools I know of would put a child in danger like that.

Spot on math

we are inner city London. If school kept her phone overnight I would be very concerned about her journey home with no mode of communication. So much can go wrong. No schools I know of would put a child in danger like that.

Safeguarding is paramount, but that doesn’t mean it’s against the law to confiscate overnight. It isn’t.

churchandstate

There comes a point where as a parent you really only rule by consent.

How do you propose to make your 14 or 15 year old do as you say if they don't want to?

it’s the same as not letting your teen have their phone with them when they go out to town with their friends to watch a film/go shopping/go to nando’s, because they might look at porn or be subject to online bullying. The advantages of them keeping their phone with them when alone without their trusted adult outweigh the disadvantages

How do you propose to make your 14 or 15 year old do as you say if they don't want to?

There is more than one way to skin a cat. My DD will be brought up with an understanding of consistent (evolving) rules and consistent consequences for breaking them. I don’t imagine there won’t be times when she breaks them. That doesn’t mean I won’t put them in place.