...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

I probably would have just banned mobile phones completely if it was important to me.

That way individuals and their parents could make an informed decision from the start.

Churchandstate
Not changing your views and opinions = rigid thinking and is actually an issue tbh. You simply cannot know what you don’t know. But I’m wasting my time here. You will see. When your dd at 11 or 13 and wants her bestie for a sleepover but you say no because of a slight chance it may trigger their medical condition, your dd will call you out and rightly so.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling

Yes, thanks, I know the meaning of the word. Why did you need to google it? 😂

So how is this rule arbitrary, and what rules aren’t?

My point is as the parent of a teenager it isn't up to us to enforce our house rules on visiting teens

It 100% is. If your house rules don’t apply to visitors, they’re not house rules, and if they don’t matter enough to enforce, why have them?

Because you asked me for a definition. I admit I was surprised too considering you're a teacher and all 🤷‍♀️

When your dd at 11 or 13 and wants her bestie for a sleepover but you say no because of a slight chance it may trigger their medical condition, your dd will call you out and rightly so.

And my DD will be told what I am telling you now: no.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling

Sure. So how is this rule arbitrary?

If the OP were to live in Scotland, taking someones phone, in the manner she has described, would actually be classed as theft. It would come under the banner of, "depriving the owner of the use of their property". Her house, her rules would not make a difference.

mathanxiety

The alternative to watching violent porn may indeed be taking phones away. I am not naive enough to be

mathanxiety

You may be naive enough to believe that all children told and taught not to do something won’t do it. I’m not. Obviously my DD will be educated. When she is 13, she will also be subject to some rules and boundaries.

It is not your place to remove visitors phones.

Then they won’t be visiting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

churchandstate

Will you let your dd sleepover at friends houses?

So how is this rule arbitrary, and what rules aren’t?

Because you've decided it yourself for multiple people based on your own personal whim - as stated in the easily found dictionary definition.

What rules aren't? I'm not sure what you mean by this. Can you explain? It's subjective surely? Obviously there are laws and rules that are decided by society as a whole that need to be adhered to for all our safety. I don't think this is one of them, many people don't. You and OP do and have imposed and say you will impose that belief on multiple others without agreement with all those affected.

I'm surprised you need this explaining tbh.

When do you intend to stop treating your own 15 year old like a toddler. When are you goibg to let her learn to regulate her own screen time??

Will you let your dd sleepover at friends houses?

Depends on their friends and their parents.

By the wayall the stuff about inappropriate activity is a complete red herring, because all the risks of that are present before 1230

For me the issue here is not about mobile phones it’s about you arguing for 4 hours with someone else’s child your a complete control freak op and you know it. My way or the highway. You completely misused your position as an adult. HTH

And my DD will told what I am telling you now: no.

Thus proving you are an authoritative parent.

Mathanxiety is a really knowledgable and interesting poster, who has said some really good stuff on this thread about how children respond to such parenting.

Good luck with that.

Human nature, bullying, etc existed long before phones did. The slut shaming and all the rest of it went on long before any of it could be documented on SM.

Human nature may not have changed but the reach, connectivity and permanence of information has. At sleepovers 20 or 30 years ago, children would not have been able to spread info or be in contact with so many people (known and unknown), accessed porn or whatever, or expected their behaviour and image (good and bad) to be permanently be available. When I was a kid, I was certainly not aware of the trend for children to photograph and send images of their own genitals! Or onlne grooming.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling

I don’t think you really understand what arbitrary means (probably why you needed google): it doesn’t mean it is decided by one person. It means it is decided by one person for no reason, or applied whimsically and without logic or consistency. So if I chose three of the guests and asked them for their phones but not the others, that would be arbitrary. Or if I took in phones on one sleepover but next week I decided the rule didn’t matter after all. That would be arbitrary. This isn’t. In my house, I make the rules. Not arbitrarily, but based on my thinking about what is necessary.

Depends on their friends and their parents.

How will you vet these friends and their parents then? On what basis will you decide that she can sleepover?

@Tvstar

13

I don’t think you really understand what arbitrary means

I think the same about you.