...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

churchandstate
You may be naive enough to believe that all children told and taught not to do something won’t do it. I’m not. Obviously my DD will be educated. When she is 13, she will also be subject to some rules and boundaries

So you don't have a teen yet?

Thought so.

Mine are now aged 18, 21, 24, 26, and 29.

It's quite possible I am not half as naive as you believe I am.

You sleep far sounder as the parent of teens when you have spent more time chatting and listening with them than lecturing and handing down rules.

I don't understand why the op didn't remove their phones at the door if she is genuinely concerned about inappropriate use on her watch. As I said before, why does it only become an issue after midnight?

You sleep far sounder as the parent of teens when you have spent more time chatting and listening with them than lecturing and handing down rules.

Then continue as you are. Great. Like you, I don’t need anyone’s permission or validation to parent as I see fit or to put in place appropriate rules in my home.

I am with you and to be honest by 2 I think I would have phoned their parents and asked them to come over and pick them up as that sort of behaviour by a young teen openly defying an adult is not normal.

For the record I don't have that rule in my house buy a few children who have come over do so on those occasions I take my children's phones off them and they have never moaned about it. They also with certain friends don't even take their phones with them as the parents are so strict they can't see the point.

churchandstate you know that the kids most likely to rebel are those from overly strict or overly lax households. Look for the middle ground. I work with kids with mental health issues and so many of their problems are directly linked to parenting style. Parents have way more power than they think without having to go overboard on rules.

Oh and embarrassment is not going to kill them. Your their parents not their friend.

TheLittleDogLaughed

I don’t believe anything I have said to be overboard, and I don’t believe I have any intention of being overly strict.

@WendyMoiraAngelaDarling
I’ve given up arguing. It’s pointless. It’s like arguing with my mother, who incidentally is a narcissistic and parented in a very black and white way. She still tries to stamp her authority on me now and I’m late 40’s. I only see her in small bouts as her inflexible and unbending stance is too difficult to bear.

Parenting teenagers is most successful when rules are discussed and not just implemented with a 'do as I say' mentality.

That post should have also been to @TheLittleDogLaughed.

I don't disagree with you. I have never implemented that myself but have not had many sleepovers and our eldest who did have some was quite mobile averse.

I do think that you should have mentioned it to your children to say it to the attendees in advance about the rule so that there was no query / debate late at night when everyone was tired.

church I do honestly think this very clipped and uncompromising approach will lead to difficulties.

But back to the phone - if say a school confiscated a phone overnight leading to a child being harmed as they made their way home as they couldn’t contact their parents, or even if the phone was not in the child’s name but the parents, it’s dodgy ground.

Schools do not supersede the law. A school has no right to remove a child’s property and withhold it beyond the school day.

Schools do not supersede the law. A school has no right to remove a child’s property and withhold it beyond the school day.

They specifically do have that right. I am not going to continue arguing with someone who can’t be arsed to check their facts.

Mummyoflittledragon in some of our parent / teen sessions it is painful to see how rude and overbearing some parents are. Absolutely convinced they are right but ludicrously out of touch with the teen’s reality.

Your dd your rulez. It's visitors we are talking about and you have no right to remove their property.

I have every right to ask them for it and if they decline, to take or send them home. Absolutely.

All I can say is good luck church

churchandstate Sun 10-Nov-19 10:30:35
I didn’t realise they were making inhaler phones now

You may think that's funny.

It's not.

An asthma attack away from home when the albuterol hasn't worked and a child of 14 doesn't want to end up on a nebuliser in A&E isn't material for the comedy circuit.

It's a huge pity that certain posters here have seen fit to take cheap shots at parents and children in this category.

Children and teens with chronic conditions or illnesses get just as much benefit from friendship and socialising as those blessed with robust health, believe or or not.

As I said before, why does it only become an issue after midnight?

Presumably that would be when the adult supervision is lesser. If she’d said “when I was going to bed” it would have been clearer

@WendyMoiraAngelaDarling I think you are being quite rude to Church calling her a rather clueless mother. You just have a difference of opinion.

I am partially with the OP and my kids are 15 and 20. I haven't taken phones away at a sleepover but I can see where she is coming from.

SM is having a massive social effect. With teenagers and young adults having negative attitudes to sex and women. Online bullying leading to suicide. With 1 in 5 victims of online grooming aged 11 and under and over 70% of reported grooming taking place on the main social media networks (Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp and Snapchat) according to the NSPCC. Plus the number of grooming offences recorded by police surged by more than a third last year to more than 4,000.

An asthma attack away from home when the albuterol hasn't worked and a child of 14 doesn't want to end up on a nebuliser in A&E isn't material for the comedy circuit.

Why would the child need their mobile phone?

Oh church, lighten up. Your poor dd.

You’ll have to excuse my not thinking this is all hilarious. 🙄

If you made it clear to the teenagers and their parents YANBU

If you didn't inform same, then YABU. I wouldn't want my teenager to have to go into a sleeping adults room in the middle of the night to ask for her phone if she needed to speak to me. Do you have a partner that sleeps in the bed with you. If so that's worse again.

I’m taking this phone off you and you will have it back at 3 o clock’ (or whenever the school day is over) but some have adopted a 24 hour / 48 / 72 / five days system - that’s very shaky ground, morally and legally.

I don’t actually agree with schools removing for 24/48/72 hours, but so many parents at DD’s school have missed the point as to why they’ve brought it in

They don’t actually want a collection of phones in the office. They’d just quite like the kids to follow the “phones stay in bags on school site” rule and for parents to support it

We have the same issue at the after school care I’m chair of. Children aren’t allowed to bring their own toys or play with phones (it’s primary age). Funnily enough since the summer we’ve had a “if your child refuses to put away their phone we will call you to collect” policy that might impact on a parents day there have been far fewer phone incidents because parents are more supportive. Still not supportive enough that we’re not closing at the end of the year, but more so.