...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

That's exactly what you said @churchandstate. I don't need to quote you. You wrote it yourself. Sorry you don't like how that sounds but you did say it.

No. I said if I couldn’t bend a rule she wouldn’t be able to come, not that I would never bend a rule to accommodate her, or any other child. It is unfortunate if that meant she wouldn’t be able to come.

Cannot believe how much grief the OP is getting for caring about her kids. She has even been called Hitler! I am sure her children will grow up absolutely fine!

And the posters who have said their kids need their phone because of a condition that may cause a medical emergency and are then offended that ppl say that it's probably not a good idea to go on sleepovers then! FGS!

"That's their life line"...

It's a phone.

A good host would offer use of the landline, keep parents updated of any issues, check on the wellbeing of guests, be prepared to drive them home if they are unhappy... surely?

The point of sleepovers is to see friends, not to have a no holds barred bacchanalian orgy!

Teenagers need sleep, should not be watching hardcore porn (or eating their weight in sweets for that matter).

A number of parents seem to think that parenting is another word for friendship. Thankfully a remaining 40% realise that having rules does not make you your child’s enemy.

I think your rule for your own teenagers day-to-day is fine/reasonable. All devices in my house are charged outside of bedrooms, internet/phone restrictions are set so that they cannot access anything past bedtime anyway. I relax the time restrictions on Fri/Sat nights.

However, I think this rule being imposed on their friends/teenagers you don’t know at a sleepover is unreasonable. 1. It’s a sleepover. It’s not about getting sleep, it’s about staying up and having a giggle with your mates. I trust that my kids have been brought up to understand what behaviour is or isn’t acceptable and that they have made decent choices of friend with similar views. If they break that trust, the rules will be tightened up. 2. It’s their property. 3. As a teen, I would absolutely never have woken up the parents on a sleepover even if I was dying!

I remember being 13 and going for a sleepover at my friends house. We were both being silly and throwing a soft ball around. I missed/stumbled and accidentally broke an ornament in her room. My friend burst out crying, started shouting at me. At which point her mum came in and started screaming at me that I’d wrecked a sentimental and precious item, it was irreplaceable and how I’d now ruined their memories of that wonderful holiday, I’d upset her daughter and how upset and disgusted with me she was. It was a genuine accident, I was otherwise a quiet and studious teenager who never broke any rules. They then both gave me the cold shoulder for hours while I sat in her room crying and desperate to go home. While this is an extreme example (and completely batshit I realise 25 years on!), if the mother had also confiscated my mobile phone on top of that it would have been so much worse. I wish I’d been able to text my own mum to come and get me back then. You never know what might happen and one of them might want to leave and not feel able to talk to you.

churchandstate

And soon she won’t care what you think either.
Good luck.

@churchandstate it's ridiculous to think that you can control everything they are exposed to and it's one thing to put such controls into your child's life but you have absolutely no authority to force your over the top controlling behaviours on other peoples children. Believe it or not most children / teenagers just want to browse you tube, listen to music and look at their friends social media. It's crazy that you think all teenagers want to watch porn and surf the dark web. If that's the case for your children I think you have bigger problems then what they do after you've gone to bed on a night.

And soon she won’t care what you think either.
Good luck.

Thanks, but I am fine not taking parenting advice from you. 😂

but you have absolutely no authority to force your over the top controlling behaviours on other peoples children.

In their house, you’re right. In mine, you are wrong. They respect me and what I ask of them in my home or they go back to their home. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s the principle- I think it’s bizarre that you single our teeth brushing at a sleepover and insist your child can’t go one night without brushing her teeth. One night will not cOmpromise her braces. See? We all have different rules and priorities. We teach our kids to respect other people’s rules when in their house.

churchandstate

You know nothing about me as a parent.
I’ve made no comments about my parenting.
You’re the one who has discussed your parenting and your views on your daughters autonomy.
Based on that I’m the one that can tell YOU that I’m happy not taking advice from you.
You’re draining.

You house, your rules. Otherwise where do you draw the line? Teenagers that are allow to drink alcohol at home should be able to on a sleepover?! Those saying they should have access in case they are anxious, this is the reason anxiety is on the rise in young people, what did we do pre mobiles? Honestly, ridiculous.

OP stick to your guns, your the sort of parent I would feel completely comfortable having my DC overnight

Based on that I’m the one that can tell YOU that I’m happy not taking advice from you.
You’re draining.

I don’t expect anyone to take advice from me. I expect my rules to stand in my house, as I am sure you do. What that means for some is that I am a bad parent, but I don’t believe that’s true and I think some of you sound naive. Oh well.

churchandstate

Naive? Says the woman who thinks banning all and sundry and treating her daughter like a lesser human is the basis for raising her? Right.

Naive? Says the woman who thinks banning all and sundry and treating her daughter like a lesser human is the basis for raising her? Right.

😂 Having boundaries for my 13 year old is treating her like a lesser human? Sure, keep it up. Good entertainment for a lazy Sunday morning.

YABVU.

Heaven help you when your kid starts to rebel against your totalitarian regime. It won’t be long.

Believe it or not most children / teenagers just want to browse you tube, listen to music and look at their friends social media. It's crazy that you think all teenagers want to watch porn and surf the dark web.

I have attended NCA-CEOP lectures and I think you are being naive

My (notional) 13 year old doesn’t actually have autonomy

Your (thankfully notional!) 13 year old has autonomy both practically and legally in many respects.

The people who come up with daft arguments about how they will ban everything that their teenagers might possibly want to do always turn out not to actually have teenagers.

Busybody parents should let things slide for one night.

Love how some folk are turning our dislike of mobile phones in rooms into us being fun-killing authoritarian dictators!

My DC have so much more fun when phones are out of the room. They stay up for ages giggling and going comically silent after the odd crash. All of which I'm happy to ignore, because I'm not a fun-killing authoritarian dictator. I just like my DC's guests to enjoy the spontaneity and creativity of not having a screen.

totalitarian

This is so funny! All the permissive, liberal types frothing at the mouths and thinking our one rule defines us!

Your (thankfully notional!) 13 year old has autonomy both practically and legally in many respects.

She does. In other respects she doesn’t, and that includes the rules on use of phones at night. When she is an adult that will be her call, but when she is 13 it won’t be. It’s really as simple as that.

I had a no phones in the bedroom rule when dd was that age but I always relaxed it for sleepovers. Dd and her mates used to take selfies, face swap, go on YouTube.

They were always asleep before 4.30am and everyone happy so I think ultimately more successful that your night OP. Build some flexibility into your life?

I also agree with the naivety. You would not believe the sweet, softly spoken kids at school getting upto some of the shit they do online.
They come in shamefaced and you just can’t believe it. And when you ask them why they shrug and say my friend told me to.
We’ve had kids post porno videos and say it’s another kid from school that is in them. We’ve had photoshopping. We’ve had slut shaming, threats of violence, mean girls style
Burn videos uploaded, more porny stuff. The list goes on.
From good kids.
A phone is not a necessity or a human right.

You know not everyone has a landline right? I haven’t had one in over a decade. I don’t know anyone with a landline anymore. It’s an unnecessary waste of money to me. Why pay two phone bills?