...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

My children would have been mortified with embarrassment!! It comes across as very controlling behaviour ,infringement of privacy and treating the guys/ gals in a very disrespectful way . Not the best idea to gain respect and to get to know their friends. All my children’s friends who are now late teens early 20 are great people and I regularly see them out and about and greeted with a hug !

Pardonwhat

She has autonomy within the parameters her parents set for her. She doesn’t have actual autonomy. She is expected to do as she is asked.

Your making it about your circumstances and that’s how I see it

I'm doing no such thing but to be honest with the way you are expressing yourself on here I can see why you might be a bit confused so am happy to leave it there. Have a great day yourself

Children with additional needs not welcome in your home if they need extra help. Got it.

You haven’t got it.

@Palaver1
In relation to her medical condition, my dd can keep herself safe. I wouldn’t be sending her on sleepovers if I wasn’t confident of that. She has to know how to manage it as it is lifelong. The cardiologist was very clear.

All I’m asking is for her friends parents to not prohibit access her phone in case something I cannot predict does happen. There is no need to exclude her. Just to make reasonable adjustments.

That's exactly what you said @churchandstate. I don't need to quote you. You wrote it yourself. Sorry you don't like how that sounds but you did say it.

churchandstate

If you’re talking in a literal sense then neither do you. You’re governed by societal norms and laws.

However we both know you meant actually autonomy in its every day sense and that you don’t respect your daughters right to make decisions as her own person.

@churchandstate
Yes she does. You’ve told me you’d exclude my dd, who is actually able to look after herself as long as not confronted with authoritarian parents.

Wdjm

You have rather proved the OP’s point....

My DD hates it when she has sleepovers and all friends want to do is "go on their phones". Some teenagers like the engagement and laughs and spontaneity they can have without having to look at a screen.

And they can only watch porn on a night? That's why the phones need to be taken away from them then? That makes sense 😆. If they wanted to watch porn I'm sure they would find away but I very much doubt that's what they want there phones for at a sleepover. Did you watch porn with your friends at a teenage sleepover? Very strange

@churchandstate forgot to tag you in my reply below

No, it’s not your property to take. That sounds like a hellish sleepover. Your kids will be mortified.

Feck em. Let em be mortified. No way on our house.

*in

“ My (notional) 13 year old doesn’t actually have autonomy.”

What a mindset. It won’t end well.

Did you watch porn with your friends at a teenage sleepover? Very strange

No. We didn’t have smart phones. And it’s rather naive to imagine that a group of friends won’t do silly things when together at night, egging each other on, that they would be less likely to do alone. My DD’s phone (if she had one at 13) would also be unlikely to be smartphone, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it.

How dare you take their property off them. That's their life line to contact their parents. They might not feel comfortable asking you. You sound like a control freak. Makes me remember a sleepover when I was about 12 for friends birthday the girls mother was nightmare kept coming in shouting at us for talking even though it was early. None of us every went round again and we distant ourselves after due to the fact her mother was utterly Batshit screaming at us all when we were there. If we all had phones then we would have called home and left.

What a mindset. It won’t end well.

Oh behave yourself. 😂

I find that texting the parents my phone-rules prior to the sleepover makes everything smooth. The last sleepover my DD had they were still giggling and whispering until about 2am, thinking they couldn't be heard and enjoying the clandestine irreverence of being up that late. I think having phones in the room would have prevented that carefree, real-time engagement. Parents are welcome not to let their child stay over if they don't like my no-phone after 11pm rule - but nobody has declined an offer so far.

On the contrary, from my experience of raising kids - it has ended very well

Yes she does. You’ve told me you’d exclude my dd, who is actually able to look after herself as long as not confronted with authoritarian parents.

My rules in my house aren’t authoritarian. They are there to keep the people in my house safe. If your DD is in my house, she is in my care, not yours. If you don’t like it it can’t agree to my rules, keep her with you. That isn’t me excluding her.

My DD does not have her phone with her on a normal night but at sleepovers i relax the rules. Just as on normal nights she doesn't eat her body weight in sweets, but on sleepovers she gives it a good go! On normal nights, she's in bed at a reasonable hour, at sleepovers I go to bed and leave them to it. The whole point of sleepovers is to relax the rules and have fun. The only thing I'm strict on is her brushing her teeth before going to sleep as she has braces and its important, otherwise I know she'd just fall asleep with aforementioned sugary sweets on her teeth.

However we both know you meant actually autonomy in its every day sense and that you don’t respect your daughters right to make decisions as her own person.

We don’t both know this. You think it. I, like every other parent, will give my child age-appropriate rules. I don’t care what you think about this.

I wonder how many posters are teachers?
The shit we have to deal with all the time with phones and social media nonsense that bleeds into school life.

We have a see it lose it policy at school which works excellently. Still get phone calls from parents screeching about their rights and demanding their property be handed over.

Since it never works I assume the law is on our side here. Thank god.

We seem to have more parents now how keep whining about detentions being against their children’s rights and getting told off and kept behind in lessons and any tiny admonishment just really unfair.

I wonder if it’s a generational thing now as so many people here have similar attitudes.

Some of the worst teenage behaviour happens because silly parents let their kids have their phones overnight and inane bullying occurs and then the school gets involved.

Im with you OP. Nobody NEEDS their phone and she already said these aren’t kids with anxiety issues etc and that seems to be the only argument people are making. Their kids have to/must/cannot be stopped from their phones because they will be scared and anxious etc. They can ask to call home. It’s so simple and not worth all this drama.

Teenage girls are lovely. And also go a bit The Crucible when together and egging each other on.