...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

For what it's worth, I think quality sleep is sacred, as is not feeling dreadful the next morning for having posted something silly in a fit of overstimulated bravado the night before. My DCs' friends know that if they sleep over the phones are off and out of the room. Social anxiety, the fear of being left out, the potential to make bad decisions in the heightened excitement of a sleepover that then have their own URL... not worth it. It is also nice for the friends to wake up the next morning refreshed, relaxed, happy and wanting to go out rather than worrying about cyber-activity from the night before. I don't really see this rule as a soul and fun-crushing draconian meanness. If there are emergencies in the night, my DC can wake me up. The landline is always available if a friend wanted to contact their home. But hours spent deepening an addiction to social media? I'm not facilitating that.

I've only read the first few pages but to all those saying that they would want their kids to be able to contact them if necessary, even without the host's knowledge... what are you worried about? If you have concerns about the host family or the group of friends surely you wouldn't permit your DC to go anyway? Do you let your DC go on overnight school trips and are phones not removed on these??

I've already answered this up thread but I'll answer again. I would be worried by DD would have a panic attack and would feel trapped into self-harming as a way of dealing with her panic attack (having no option to contact a trusted, known adult with whom she was comfortable) and/or that she would leave the house alone once everyone was asleep in order to either self-harm in the privacy of an alley or to bring herself home.

She doesn't go on school trips, even day trips , because her anxiety and depression does not allow it. She wouldn't go even with access to a phone as she can't cope with that many people at once. She very rarely visits relatives (even her own father), let alone friends but on the rare occasion she feels well enough to socialise outside the safety of her own bedroom she needs the reassurance of having me or her aunt at the other end of a phone.

Before the invention of mobile phones a child with DDs health issues would have been isolated. She wouldn't suddenly become well if I took her phone away.

If she felt well enough to attend a sleepover or visit a friend and her phone was taken away without warning as seems to have happened in the OP, I would be livid. It would be a complete betrayal of DDs trust and would probably send her into a deep depression as well as triggering a major self-harm event.

Though, I am quite glad this thread was started as it had never occured to me to check DD would be allowed access to her own property when visiting friends. In future, I will double check with the parents before she leaves.

I am glad we mutually agree that your child would not be welcome or want to come to my house

Oh definitely. You and OP sound like controlling, petty tyrants. I'd never want my children to have to deal with that.

Wendy
at what time would she call the parents for what reason
In her home these are her rules the children were rude and disrespectful.
Just because they are allowed this in their home does not mean that it will be allowed in the hosts home.
She has responsibility for them at the time.
Actually your right she should have called them to say take your children home.

Though, I am quite glad this thread was started as it had never occured to me to check DD would be allowed access to her own property when visiting friends. In future, I will double check with the parents before she leaves

Same. Definitely been a useful thread in that regard. I've never heard of it happening before in RL though, but best to check from now on.

Wow at this thread. A PP had this sorted by about the fourth post:

You can't take a phone off someone else's child like that, it's not your property to do so. Spending 4 hours trying to stop them makes you seem a proper control freak and slightly unhinged!

Just TURN THE FUCKING WIFI OFF. At that point, your safeguarding job is done. You can't stop other kids using data to access inappropriate sites - but it's their (parents') data not yours. And they can access those sites in the daytime anyway.

Turn off wifi! That’s what I’d do. I totally agree with your sentiment though. I’d do for the 13 year old (house rules - all phones downstairs to charge) but by 15 I think some of my friends were having se , smoking, watching porn...that shop has probably sailed by then. Teach your 15 year old how to say no rather than infantilising her.

Oh definitely. You and OP sound like controlling, petty tyrants. I'd never want my children to have to deal with that.

Cool. We would only have to have this conversation once, then.

Indeed

You can spot the nightmare MILs of the future in threads like this. There’s a kind of glib contempt for the autonomy and agency of their teens.

Chickens will come home to roost in years to come.

Wdjm

Well, that’s me convinced. 😂👍

@churchandstate
Obviously another mother hitler here trying to control the whole world.

Your kids are going to watch videos and see things you don't want them to do. Banning it only makes it more tempting. Surely just teach them to be responsible?

Wendy it’s not about you.its not your thread

There’s a kind of glib contempt for the autonomy and agency of their teens.

My (notional) 13 year old doesn’t actually have autonomy. She has agency, obviously, and I respect it, but again, my house, my rules. When she has her own house and salary I will respect her autonomy, because then she will have some.

you can't trust a guest with a phone, but you trust them to be in a bedroom overnight with your child. I find that quite weird.

kids learn quickly - and would be taking old phones to any sleepover at yours, handing them over and staying up on youtube/whatever on their actual phone.

You underestimate the pull of kittens falling over, slagging off vloggers, and watching unpackaging of plastic crap.

And don’t give me shit that I’m using a website for mums when I’m 14 cause someone’s gotta knock some god damn sense into you

Proper

Your kids are going to watch videos and see things you don't want them to do. Banning it only makes it more tempting. Surely just teach them to be responsible?

I will teach her to be responsible. But yes, I am banning porn. Because I am also responsible.

Wendy it’s not about you.its not your thread

Where did I say it was? . Could you give me a quote where indicate I believe this thread to be about me and am not just expressing my opinions like 100's of others on it?

And we have this house rule too - for adults!! But kids screens stay in lounge too, no bedrooms. Look at the research. It’s a healthy stance to take, teach and learn.

I relax most of my rules for sleepovers but do remove phones/iPods. However my eldest is 9. By 15 I wouldn’t do that. At 13 though I do think I would ask a visitor to leave their phone downstairs at night. some of my friends have 13 year olds and they are still very young.

So children with additional needs should be "kept at home" if certain rules need to be relaxed to help them cope?

No. If the rule was one I felt able to bend, they would of course be very welcome. This one isn’t.

Children with additional needs not welcome in your home if they need extra help.

Got it.

Your making it about your circumstances and that’s how I see it
Have a good Sunday beautiful weather down here

churchandstate

You think your daughter has no personal autonomy until she moves out and has a job?
Jesus. Something tells me she’ll be moving out sooner rather than later

I work in safeguarding. I've dealt with far too many cases where otherwise lovely young people have made bad decisions in the night

Most of the issues I have seen are during the day, filmed in the park or when kids are at their own house. Not many at sleepovers.

You have to have some trust. Do you trust them to not go outside without phones ? Start partying in the garden or meet someone pre arranged like they did in 80s USA dramas. Who's fault would that be?
I would blame my child not the sleeping parent.
You have to trust them and educate not be Draconian.