...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

Unlike this poster, every parent I have spoken to has been kind and inclusive.

That is really incredibly unreasonable and unfair, Mummy. I am terribly sorry about your DD’s condition. However, those rules would be in place in my home for a reason - I believe a good one - and it would be my expectation that an 11 year old guest in my home would communicate a serious illness to me as the responsible adult. That isn’t nasty. It would be very unfortunate that I wouldn’t be able to take responsibility for your DD, not nasty at all.

Wendy,

If you want to set the rules for your daughter in other people’s houses, I assure you that you will be the one curtailing her social life.

mummyof

Your daughter’s medical condition sounds terrifying for her and you.

Would you really send her to the house of someone who did not know about it overnight? I’d have thought you would ensure that she was totally comfortable where she was staying and that the adults responsible knew exactly what to do.

I imagine she has a medical action plan at school? So why wouldn’t you safeguard her when staying overnight?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling

I do. Whether or not you think it’s ludicrous is irrelevant to me. I wouldn’t have young girls for a sleepover and give them unlimited overnight access to the internet, and that’s the end of that.

Astro but surly it’s about risk assessing.
Based on this would be a choice a school is a different setting to a personal house especially at a sleep over
So no with all my experience I would not have had the child over for a sleep over
I also believe most parents wouldn’t either.
It’s not about excluding the child it’s about making sure she’s safe.

Blimey in all my years of attending sleepovers when young and hosting them i have never had to make a phone call or recieved one, during the sleepover - be it needing extra tampons or escaping creepy men.

No I don't want to set rules for other people's homes and I certainly want my children to adhere to sensible basic rules when they are there.

Removing their own property arbitrarily, preventing them from being able to make contact with me if they need to does not fit that remit.

Why did OP battle with them till four in the morning? Why not just phone the parents if they were so sure they were in the right? It all sounds really odd tbh.

I work in safeguarding. I've dealt with far too many cases where otherwise lovely young people have made bad decisions in the night with their phones etc. Our kids don't have phones in their bedrooms overnight and nor do their friends. I'd rather be responsible for pissing off a 13 yr old than having the police knocking at the parents door.

Larry
It’s not a emergency. Her heart automatically restarts. It’s only an emergency if for example she has to go down or near stairs (eg to get her phone, go to the parent) and has one, falls down the stairs or bumps her head. All very likely as this manifests differently from fainting. She knows how to manage her condition and hasn’t had a full blown RAS for years. But if a parent puts in a blanket rule she could endanger herself trying to call me. And she doesn’t suffer from anxiety.

I find it creepy that the teenagers must access your bedroom of they need to make a call home etc. Arguing for 4 hours with a teenager guest about this is excessive.

Wendy,

Well, actually it does ‘fit that remit’. Your post is internally contradictory. Removing a phone is not unreasonable.

You do not have to send your daughter on a sleepover, it is (maybe amazingly to you) not compulsory.

Arguing for 4 hours with a teenager guest about this is excessive.

A teenager arguing with their host for 4 hours is what is excessive, and it wouldn’t be happening at my house because I would take her home, with her phone.

@WendyM

Why did OP battle with them till four in the morning? Why not just phone the parents if they were so sure they were in the right? It all sounds really odd tbh.

Why should she call the parents to say what..
That your child is disrespectful and has no manners.
OP was sure

@SmileEachDay
Oh gosh everyone knows before she goes with them. She hasn’t had one for 13 months now... But it’s very different from really understanding.

It all sounds very strange.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a house rule that everyone leaves phones downstairs to charge at night, and to ask sleepover guests to do the same. Just that, though - ask. If they don't want to, you have no right to confiscate their phones, as they don't belong to you. Arguing over it until 4.30am is bizarre, as is putting the phones in your room instead of a downstairs area. If I were a teenage guest at someone's house, they asked me to do something that I was uncomfortable with, and they tried to insist on it when I politely declined, I wouldn't be going back to that place again. And no amount of 'well, you shouldn't be uncomfortable without a phone' would make a difference.

If I were a teenage guest at someone's house, they asked me to do something that I was uncomfortable with, and they tried to insist on it when I politely declined, I wouldn't be going back to that place again. And no amount of 'well, you shouldn't be uncomfortable without a phone' would make a difference.

You wouldn’t be allowed back, so your desire would be irrelevant. 😂

Spinster,

If you are uncomfortable about losing your phone for the night, when asked to hand it in take yourself home or call your parents to collect you.

Simples.

Dont give a fig if its 'their property'. They're kids and its my house.

Well, actually it does ‘fit that remit’. Your post is internally contradictory. Removing a phone is not unreasonable.

Well it doesn't and it is Larry. See? I can express my opinions as facts too

You're right I don't have to send my daughter on sleepovers and certainly wouldn't want to where some self important, overstepping parent would be likely to grab her phone in order to implement their own weird ruling. She's autistic and highly anxious so having access to her phone to contact me or her brother for reassurance is imperative for her. However she manages well and doesn't want the world to know about her condition since I told a parent when dd was going on a play date there and that parent explained it to her child as "autism means her brain doesn't work like it's supposed to". This was passed round everyone in her form as their party line when it came to dealing with dd...

Guess I will be told I shouldn't send her either like the previous poster who explained why their child with additional needs shouldn't go on sleepovers 🙄

I think the rule for day to day is appropriate for good sleep, but there is no good sleep at a sleepover, you need to relax a bit and enable your teenagers and this positive open relationship you say you have with them, work. So if something happens you trust them to talk to you. As someone who worked with sex offenders for fifteen years, they don't only come out at night like bats, so that argument is defunct. What stops young people being at risk online is education and adults they can genuinely be open with.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling

Yes, it’s the same in your case. If you can’t respect the rules of other people’s homes, keep your child at home.

Why should she call the parents to say what..
That your child is disrespectful and has no manners.

Well yes, why not? If she's so sure she's right.

What’s strange is that sleepovers should be fun but due to this incident the Host has been put into a difficult position.
She has put the phones in her room as when phones are put downstairs they are still easily taken.

So children with additional needs should be "kept at home" if certain rules need to be relaxed to help them cope?

Got it

Wendy,

No, it is a fact that respecting house rules means the rules (within reason, but that is pretty broad), not the ones you personally agree with. That is NOT respecting the rules other than your own.

I am glad we mutually agree that your child would not be welcome or want to come to my house.