...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

My 1st paragraph relates to expecting a set bed & sleep time at a teen’s sleepover, not regular bedtime rules.

Stop the sleepovers.

Huge bloody obsession with them - no need.

Churchandstate
Seeking help from another adult could make it too late due to the type of condition. Just explaining it could induce a seizure. Accessing her phone could be the difference between her being ambulanced out of someone’s house, being forced to a barrage of tests or just a few tears on the end of a phone.

But just keep up your line 😂😂

Mummyoflittledragon

I will, thanks. If your DD is that ill in someone else’s house she needs to seek help from the adults who are responsible for her, or stay at home. Sorry.

In any event mummy and her dd are taking responsibility for themselves, with the phone!

Not the case at all. When you send your 11 year old child to sleep in someone else’s house, that adult is responsible for them. The 11 year old isn’t responsible for herself and her parent isn’t present. End of discussion.

Do you think she should be home schooled too, kept away from all children a similar age?

Some of you have very little faith in your kids tbh. How will they ever learn if you never give them the opportunity to do the right thing?

AF finally someone with some sense. To me this issue in Mumsnet is not something that happens in the real world.

Astormiscoming

Who, me?

I don’t understand the parents who trust another parent with their child but don’t trust that parent with their child’s phone.

Omg you're batshit! That's not for you to decide about other people's children for goodness sake!!

church, I’ve taught children without any legs who have negotiated themselves around a chaotic school corridor with no fuss whatsoever. I’ve taught kids with illnesses and disabilities that were quite scary to me because I wasn’t used to them but then I cane to realise the child wasn’t actually too fussed. They had adapted their life to the point where they knew exactly what to do in an emergency as mummys DD has.

We are straying off subject but you do not have the right to tell the mother of a child with a disability that she should not be sending her child on sleepovers. The mother knows what she’s doing and so does the child. End of.

Astormiscoming

She’s not quite right. In my house, I am right. If she doesn’t like my rules or thinks they endanger her child, she would be quite within her rights to keep her at home. Given what she has said about the volatility of her DD’s condition and the fact that her DD would be unlikely to communicate serious illness to me as the adult, I wouldn’t have her DD overnight anyway.

Math anxiety what a brilliant post.

Totally agree. You have articulated it better than I ever could.

Phones taken out of room on a school night - OK

Phones taken out of room on a sleepover - Not OK

I really don't know why (if you want to police phone use in a sleepover after a certain time) you didn't just TURN OFF THE WIFI!

Teenagers are very protective of their phone's data allowance. Watching you tube for example drains it quickly as do many APPS.

It limits what they can do on their phone in the middle of the night.... my DC would be on you tube all night if they could.

Taking phones away is not on. Taking away the ability to use their phone all night (using your WIFI) is reasonable enough.

We are straying off subject but you do not have the right to tell the mother of a child with a disability that she should not be sending her child on sleepovers. The mother knows what she’s doing and so does the child. End of.

I have the right to say I wouldn’t have her child at my house for a sleepover. What Mummy does otherwise is entirely up to her.

Mummy,

If your daughter is likely to suffer a panic attack on a sleepover, why on earth send her on sleepovers? Especially if the panic attack can lead to a medical emergency?!

She is 11, not 14 or 15. It signed as if she would be far happier in the comfort of the family home.

Mummyo

In your case I wouldn’t ever be able to have your daughter over the risk would be to high.regardless of her having the phone with her it might not make a difference.

So your child can take whatever they like to a friend’s house and keep it with them all the time? And do whatever they want on it?

Don't be silly. Where have I said anything remotely like that? Just their phone. In fact can you give me an example of a problematic item that they might want to take, keep with them and do whatever they want on? Because I can't think of anything myself.

In fact can you give me an example of a problematic item that they might want to take, keep with them and do whatever they want on? Because I can't think of anything myself.

A knife. A firework. A box of cigarettes. A phone.

@Astormiscoming
Thank you for writing that eloquent post against such a nasty comment. Luckily my dd is so unlikely to have one. There are children, who have multiple RAS every day and have to take medication. Dd is so fortunate to be at the other end of the spectrum. Unlike this poster, every parent I have spoken to has been kind and inclusive.

I’m not trying to derail this thread. Rather to counter black and white thinking. Although tbh the op seems to have fucked off.

I won’t answer to the comment to me. I’m disabled. I’m used to idiots.

You cheerily admit you would isolate a child with a disability then? Lovely.

everyone saying ‘well how did people cope twenty years ago’ don’t seem to understand that the world has rapidly adapted and shifted in this sense

For a group of 13 yos on a sleepover - really? I went to sleepovers as a teen and my kids have had many many sleepovers here and there doesn't seem to be a lot of difference tbh.

Astormiscoming

No, I would not isolate her. She would just not be able to come for a sleepover because I wouldn’t be confident I could keep her safe. That is my prerogative as the householder.

Then please, please don’t send your child to other adults’ homes and expect them to be responsible for them! If something happened to your child that the other parent could have prevented you would be angry.*

Like what?

You think phones can be equated to knives, boxes of fireworks, cigarettes?

I don't need to respond to that. The comparison is so ludicrous it speaks for itself.