...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

I thought the idea of a sleepover was not to sleep and have giggles all night long and fun in a safe environment... You sound too controlling!

It's your house your rules but they are not 10y old anymore

If parents are so anxious they shouldn’t allow these sleep overs.
I hated them and was the mother who said no.When I did allow it was because I had a good relationship with the family and the parent had an emergency.
And trusted my parenting skill
A phone isn’t a limb

you should have told them in advance that these are the rules. so before they arrived, or worst on arrival.
in the middle of the night - i would wonder what you suddenly had to hide!

If I felt my child wasn't going to be safe, then I wouldn't send him on a sleepover.

If I had a child that may be too anxious to sleep, I probably also wouldn't send them on a sleepover, but, if I did, I would definitely discuss with the parents that my child may need to contact me during the night.

I really wonder how we coped pre-mobile phones!

Myself2020
Meaning ....

@Eledamorena. Phones are not removed from DC on school trips here (even when DD was 12). See my earlier post. On trips abroad DC are allowed an afternoon of free time and are asked to put a teachers' mobile phone number into their own phones in case of emergency.

Not all (if any) schools feel the need to confiscate them.

Legally, I don’t think schools are allowed to confiscate overnight (although many do.) It’s certainly shaky ground if the parent pays for it.

I thought the idea of a sleepover was not to sleep and have giggles all night long and fun in a safe environment... You sound too controlling

You can't assume that it's a safe environment if the teenagers have unlimited access to the internet

You sound like a bully to me, your poor kid. Mine were never allowed phones at night but I'd never have done this at a sleepover. Far too controlling.

And guess what op, all the things you are trying to prevent your kid seeing on their phone they'll already have seen them in McDonald's or somewhere else the WiFi is free.

Whiterose that decision by the school would have come about with rules in place its impossible to keep hundred of identical looking phones.
Trips abroad you obviously want the safety of the children.
In a home it’s no different there are rules
Her only mistake as pointed out is she should have told the parents her expectations.

And guess what op, all the things you are trying to prevent your kid seeing on their phone they'll already have seen them in McDonald's or somewhere else the WiFi is free.

So that means no safeguards then? After all, if they’ve seen porn once they might as well just keep watching it. 🙄

Teenagers don’t look at porn routinely you know, especially girls.

And tbh you really should have your WiFi with restrictions on it.

Why can't an anxious teen call home from the landline downstairs while the OP is in the bathroom, instead of raiding the OP's bedroom while she's in the bathroom?

Everyone who agrees what OP did was fine and saying "why do teens need their phones overnight?". Firstly there are multiple posts explaining why a teen might need their phone and secondly even if they don't need them it is not for some random, unrelated adult to remove property from people she hardly knows, keep that property in her bedroom and make herself gatekeeper for who those people can contact during a certain time.

"Your house your rules!"

No my child's phone is their property that I have decided they should have and which I pay for. You have absolutely no right to remove it from them. The entitlement of thinking this is an acceptable thing to do is breathtaking.

No my child's phone is their property that I have decided they should have and which I pay for. You have absolutely no right to remove it from them. The entitlement of thinking this is an acceptable thing to do is breathtaking.

Then please, please don’t send your child to other adults’ homes and expect them to be responsible for them! If something happened to your child that the other parent could have prevented you would be angry. You are expecting them to act in loco parentis, not sending your child out to sleep in the street, aren’t you? Respect that.

Wendy,

So your child can take whatever they like to a friend’s house and keep it with them all the time? And do whatever they want on it?

A person in loco parentis has every right to remove property from a child. And, it is really really simple, if you don’t like the house rules, don’t let your child go on the sleepover.

@churchandstate
@Palaver1
@dubmumof2
My dd has a medical condition. Her heart stops beating in a full attack. I want her to be able to call if she gets panicked about something. It could be a discussion about injections, which to others is pretty innocuous. But can make her feel as if she is going to have a reflex anoxic seizure and seek reassurance.... or the anxiety around the conversation could actually trigger one.

I’m anticipating she may have one with her first period for example. I used to faint.

So yes, I want my eleven year old to be able to access her phone. Church idk why you felt the need to italicise the age when I am a complete stranger.

Taking a phone away and putting it in an adults bedroom is confiscating a phone.

So yes, I want my eleven year old to be able to access her phone. Church idk why you felt the need to italicise the age when I am a complete stranger.

Because your DD is a young girl. If you send her into the care of another adult then you are making that adult responsible for her. If she becomes ill she needs to go to that adult for help. But she first needs to follow the rules of somebody else’s home.

Larry
Are you saying you wouldn’t have my dd and others like her, who need their phones for legitimate reasons listed upthread, over then? I think that’s pretty mean tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon

I’m definitely saying that. I wouldn’t have phones in the bedrooms at a sleepover for 11 year olds for any reason. If you couldn’t agree to that your DD wouldn’t be able to come and that’s your decision.

Mummy,

Yours is a very exceptional situation and I would be questioning whether it is appropriate for your daughter to go on sleepovers. I certainly would not want to take responsibility for someone else’s child whose heart might stop due to a panic attack.

In any event, she should only really be going on sleepovers with people you know really well and trust implicitly and can discuss the situation with ahead of time.

Not really relevant to the OP.

Cross posted

Mummy is quite right though church

It’s different to a child arriving with something unsafe or illegal or even something expensive ‘wow gorgeous toy, shall we put it here so it doesn’t break.’

Mobile phones ensure generally speaking people can be contacted immediately and tbh everyone saying ‘well how did people cope twenty years ago’ don’t seem to understand that the world has rapidly adapted and shifted in this sense.

There was a film on the other day where the whole plot would be redundant now as the people in question couldn’t get to a phone. Our society is largely built around the expectation that people have one, hence successful companies have apps, send emails and texts, market on social media. It just isn’t 1989 any more.

I just really don’t think anybody should be removing somebody else’s property without a damn good reason and ‘well they might’ doesn’t fall into that category for me.

The fact that you expect lights out & teenagers to go to sleep at a set bedtime says everything I need to know about the type of parent you are. Sucking the fun out of life with senseless rules that don’t do anything to make your children safer, but your strictness deludes you into believing you’re doing everything right in keeping your kids safer than others.

It won’t work. The trouble you are scared of can happen at any hour. Teaching your kid to not bow to peer pressures, stranger danger internet safety etc is more helpful than confiscating a phone overnight & fooling yourself into thinking they are safe.

Why would you argue with teenagers who you don’t know till 4am? It defies the purpose of wanting them to sleep in the first place.

I think your kid is going to avoid coming to you with issues if this is your usual style.

Eg am 35 & mother still loses her shit if she catches me smoking a cigarette. There is no point discussing marijuana with her, her brain simply can’t take it.

Life is hard enough for children with disabilities without having them isolated further larry

In any event mummy and her dd are taking responsibility for themselves, with the phone!