...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

@HoppingPavlova has very valid points.

“Excuse me Mrs OP, you’re making me very uncomfortable and I want to call my mum”.

“Excuse me Mrs OP, your husband is being creepy and I feel uncomfortable and want to go home”.

Yeah, no teenage girl is going to say that.

I am very concerned by the number of people here saying “Oh well, they’re watching porn anyway at that age.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

Really? You’re perfectly content that your 13 is watching pornography?

Or is that just what you have to say because the alternative - removing the access - is so bloody unthinkable to you, that you have to pretend to yourself that young teenagers watching degrading/violent/coerced sex acts is perfectly okay?

This is actually where we have landed ourselves now?

*year old

Not your property to be touching imo, it's one night where every party involved (in the teen world that is) should be having fun, not arguing with a woman. One bloody night OP and that's it

Nobody should be arguing with the OP in her own home. She isn’t “a woman” - she is the responsible adult and homeowner in charge of a group of CHILDREN.

Honestly!

Rather than confiscate your children's phones every night why don't you change the settings so they can't use them between certain hours? My husband puts limits on my children's devices to stop them overusing them.

Another point I thought of. I worked in a boarding school. Almost without exception, the bullying, trolling, nude photos etc were all sent after the house staff went to bed. We had to confiscate phones to protect the children (because they are children, even at 15) in our care. Did they like it? No. Did their parents like it? (Not always) but tough titties. Teenagers are not responsible or sensible

Grandmaster,

Interestingly, when you talk to teenagers on their own, they often admit to enjoying having time away from the constant pressure from social media and the excuse of a ‘stupidly strict parent’ or school allows them some much needed down time to be themselves and maybe actually chat to their friends.

Math
I totally agree with the parental attitude you describe and how teens respond. I would never have spoken to my parents about any of this sort of stuff despite being in some sticky situations. Some stupid ones like my parents leaving two mid teens home alone while they went abroad. Resulting me at 14 having to talk my way out of rape when one of my brother’s friends (16) locked me in a room with him. Or when I was 17 and another of his friends (19) came in my bedroom without knocking. I was naked and he probably realised this would likely be the case as I’d just had a shower. He had exposed himself to me more than once. My biggest concern with the second incident was my mother, who was downstairs finding out. I had to persuade him out of my room. Quietly. She never would have believed either story. There is still a lot of blissful ignorance in society despite so many girls and young women experiencing similar and worse.

This thread reminds me of a recent sleepover with dd (11). Dd told me her friend’s mum took her phone away on a recent sleepover and dd didn’t like it. I’m going to have a chat with her mum. We are quite friendly. Her dds primary school friends, who she’s moving away from now she’s at secondary, are pretty competitive and I can understand why the mum would have trust issues there. But dds friend is now hanging around with my dds other friends and they’re much more down to earth and normal kids.

I really do understand the flip side arguments. Surely it’s best to discuss scenarios with your children and bring them up to be aware and as non compliant as possible.

Well done you yes your house your rules.
Guest should respect the rules.
Look now you have to deal with the ripple effect of getting your rules back in order.
I hated sleep overs and rarely encouraged them my children are in their twenties now.The youngest severely autistic so won’t be having .
If you must have them let your children inform the friends that we are not allowed phones in the room after whatever the time is.
Also let the parents know.
Your a great parent

Palaver
Not having phones in the rooms is different from confiscating them.

Surely it’s best to discuss scenarios with your children and bring them up to be aware and as non compliant as possible.

Your aim is to bring your children up to be as non-compliant as possible? Not the sort of kids I want in my home.

Id be mightily pissed off at this.

The main reason i'd want my kid to have a phone is for safety. You taking the phone away completely takes that safety away. What if you are making them feel uncomfortable? What if the other kids are up to something? You're expecting them to put a lot of trust in you

My daughter has anxiety and if she couldn't sleep on a sleepover then she would text me during the night to calm herself (her anxiety would prevent her waking you, a stranger effectively). If you took her phone away from her I would be livid. It isn't your place to do that, if you had told parents that this was going to happen prior to sleepover then at least a decision could be made as to whether she wanted to stay or not.

So maybe: ‘mobiles are away now. If you need me just come and get me or here is the landline if you need to call home. Write your parents numbers down on this piece of paper by the phone’

This is crazy. OP, yanbu but given this point is (surprisingly) controversial, I would have told all guests in advance.

You are being extremely unreasonable and quite frankly ridiculous. You have a absolutely no right or authority to take another child's phone without their parents permission. It has absolute nothing to do with you what they watch, that is up to their parents. If I was their parents I would certainly have something to say to you and they wouldn't be sleeping over again. Actually shocked you think you are in the right

@churchandstate
Non compliant with other children as in not bend to peer pressure ffs. Did you read the other part of my post. 🙄

It has absolute nothing to do with you what they watch, that is up to their parents. If I was their parents I would certainly have something to say to you and they wouldn't be sleeping over again. Actually shocked you think you are in the right

I am actually shocked that you think you are. It is not up to their parents what they watch in the OP’s house. At all.

Phones provide over anxious parents with a false sense of safety. There are few (if any) real dangers where a phone will make you safer and many where it will increase your chance of harm.

There is an interesting split, I suspect, between the pre-phone generation (Of which I am one) and the generation who grew up with them. Phones are a cot blanket for both teens and, seemingly even more so, fearful parents.

*Mummyoflittledragon

Given that that part of your post came after you appeared unhappy that another parent removed your eleven year old DD’s phone at a sleepover, it seemed to me that you were talking about that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, no sleepovers at my house unless I know the girls well and know their parents well enough that they know my DD won’t have a phone and theirs won’t be allowed to bring one. I really cannot be bothered dealing with other people’s monstrously entitled, disrespectful kids.

Goodness all the reasons listed on here why a 13 yo cannot last a night without their phone.

The OP is getting a hard time on here from some. But she has given valid reasons for her ban and the online child/teenage world is a pretty scary place and parents are often two steps behind their children. And she was following the rules she gives her own children.

It would have been a better idea to let everyone know beforehand, but if my kids had kept the host parent up all night trying to get their phones at a sleepover, I would have been furious with them and there would have been consequences.

A few years ago a local school had issues when it came to light that there was a large amount of sexting going on among the pupils (13-15 yo). This school btw is oversubscribed. I am sure that many of the parents thought they had trusting relationships with their kids and that they would never do anything like that, but parents (not to mention the police and Government) are playing catch up here in the UK. At my ds school three boys were expelled and there was police involvement in online bullying.

@ Mummyoflittledragon I see it as she’s taken them for the period of time or in other words put them somewhere safe.

I've only read the first few pages but to all those saying that they would want their kids to be able to contact them if necessary, even without the host's knowledge... what are you worried about? If you have concerns about the host family or the group of friends surely you wouldn't permit your DC to go anyway? Do you let your DC go on overnight school trips and are phones not removed on these??

I think this is absolutely fine and I would be RELIEVED if a sleepover my DC attended were conducted this way by a host family. Avoiding so many potential issues. I do think it's important families know in advance of the rule, though.

Also I think it's amazing that so many posters have concerns about the OP's children being mortified in this situation, OP being unpopular etc... I always think you're not doing this parenting thing right if you are always on the same page as your kids. I expect to be unpopular from time to time, and I expect my kids to be mortified by me occasionally. I'm their mother, not their friend. When they are older, I will still be their mother above being their friend.

Thank goodness someone is holding the line against teenage entitlement. You are being totally reasonable in insisting no one has access to outside influences in a safe place like a bedroom.

The only caveat I would add is that you should make clear to the children before they stay that the rule of no phones in bedrooms will prevail with no arguments. They they (and their silly enabling parents) can choose not to come if they don’t like it. It will be no loss to you or your children if such teenagers do not sleep under your roof.

As for protests that your children will be bullied if you do not give in, well, rule benders would say that wouldn’t they? The thing about the middle classes is that, where their offspring are concerned, they hold the line against insurrection in the clear knowledge that their children will thank them later in life when they are employable and have nice friends. There are a lot of posters on this thread who are clearly disadvantaging their children by supporting them in mischief and to them I would say thank you for giving my children an advantage.