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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

999 replies

dubmumof2 · 09/11/2019 14:09

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

OP posts:
BeardedMum · 09/11/2019 22:31

Oh gosh your kids must be mortified😂

MorganKitten · 09/11/2019 22:34

Did you talk to the parents about this before the children came over?

Yogibearx · 09/11/2019 22:36

OP if you are worried about your children accessing inappropriate material such as pornography then you can actually block it via your WiFi. My mum did this when I was a teen (I think our WiFi was sky). If the phone is only connected to a normal network ie O2, vodafone then they won't be able to access material like that either as the networks automatically block it. This way there is no way around it and they just won't be able to look at things like that. It might be worth trying that instead of taking their phones off them completely.

I can understand your point about not wanting them up all night glued to their phones however I think you were unreasonable to remove their property. If this is what concerns you the most then maybe asking them to leave all devices on the table downstairs may be an idea. This way they can contact their parents if they need to without having to go through you first.

Yogibearx · 09/11/2019 22:38

Oh and the only reason I know about the WiFi/network blocks is because I have an older brother who tried to look at things like that when he was a teen Hmm I'm not a porn junkie promise Grin

UsernamechangedbyMNHQ · 09/11/2019 22:40

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SmileEachDay · 09/11/2019 22:45

You’re one of those parents that every other parent hates and secretly talks about them behind their back because of how weird and controlling they are with kids

Ummm...

To clarify. A parent having a rule about teens not having tech overnight is enough to get you and your other parent friends whispering about how much you hate them.

How odd.

Redwinestillfine · 09/11/2019 22:50

I absolutely agree op. Maybe make this clear to the teens parents next time. If they want to stay these are the rules. If they're not happy they don't come. If they take the piss you'll phone the parents to pick them up.

ilovetofu · 09/11/2019 22:52

To those who are saying that they need their child to be able to contact them in case something happens that their child can't talk to the op about... or telling the op that it's not up to her to make a rule like this in her own house....then I would ask why on earth you are happy for your child to have a sleepover here in the first place?!

I wouldn't let my child stay over somewhere that I did not trust the parents to look after my child. And in that trust I would include feeling that the op would let my child contact me if needed. Also that my child felt happy enough to tell the op if there was a problem without having to phone me behind their back 🤷‍♀️

Ginseng1 · 09/11/2019 22:53

Our dc1 will get his first phone next year at 13 (in Ire don't start sec school til 12/13) & will def have a no electronics in rooms rule (already with re to tablets etc) BUT I think with sleepovers will relax the rule is not like they sleep alot anyway! maybe switch off WiFi at 12.30 or 1 but not remove phones. DC2 only 10 (has no phone) had a friend stay recently has a phone. While I took my DC tablet off her going to bed I didn't take her friends phone. she's going through some tough stuff at home (parents divorcing) & I did not feel comfortable taking it away & went with my instinct. So I'll never say never when it comes to rules n teens take each situation as it comes.

MiniMum97 · 09/11/2019 22:54

I am shocked that two teenagers in someone else's house thought it was ok to disobey the parent in whose house they were staying AND kept them up for 4 hours in the way you describe. Were these children dragged up?

ilovetofu · 09/11/2019 22:55

Oooo i like the turning the WiFi off idea!

Aragog · 09/11/2019 22:56

Minimum - Doesn't the op says that her own child was involved in the process of getting their friends phones back too. So does that include her own doc?

mumofone2818 · 09/11/2019 22:56

in all honesty if you were my parent I would feel uncomfortable bringing friends home Blush

ilovetofu · 09/11/2019 22:58

I think if I had someone I didn't know's child sleeping over at my house I would ask to speak to them first to check that they knew where she was & and were happy about this.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 09/11/2019 23:06

YABU.

Be careful with your overbearing behaviour. I know it's your house and your rules, but my parents were just like you. Made me feel like I couldn't be trusted.

I'm grown up now and I hate my parents. I was the odd one out growing up. We had no internet and I had no phone. My friendships suffered due to this. Perhaps find a balance?

spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 23:07

@Hellofromtheotherside2020 that makes total sense, well said.

I hope you're happy in your own skin now.

ferntwist · 09/11/2019 23:09

YANBU. Your rules are extremely sensible and more parents would do well to follow them.
The kids that kept you up til the early hours arguing and wheedling sound like entitled little brats.

totallyradllama · 09/11/2019 23:09

Personally I don't think you're being totally unreasonable. And your house your rules. Though I think I'd ease up for a sleepover

But you've ended up like the head teacher in the breakfast club and the kids have all bonded over mission-phone it's pretty funny really but sounds exhausting

Beveren · 09/11/2019 23:13

'd not want another adult with access to my child's phone. I'd also want my child to be able to contact me if anxious.

Assuming it's password protected, the adult won't have access to it. And OP has made it perfectly clear that if the children need their phones to contact their parents they can have them. Frankly, if a teenager can't cope overnight without talking to their parents you have to wonder why they'd be allowed to go on a sleepover anyway.

Beveren · 09/11/2019 23:18

What worries me about this story is the level of dependence these kids had on their phones that they spent four hours trying to get at them. Also the number of people on here who seem to think that's perfectly OK. Allowing children to reach this level of addiction is absolutely not doing them any favours.

Livingoncake · 09/11/2019 23:18

OP, have you considered the possibility that at some point, a child may feel uncomfortable in your home? They may feel anxious for, whatever reason, and need direct access to their parents for reassurance, or to arrange to be picked up. But they can’t do that, because you are gatekeeping their access to their parents, and will no doubt be in listening range for any conversation they manage to have.

My son is an anxious child. I would hate for another parent to increase his anxiety by telling him he can only contact me on their say-so.

Your house, your rules, but I would never let a child of mine stay at yours, because I would never trust a parent who takes my child’s property from them (property for which I paid and you didn’t, so I don’t know why you think you have a right to it) and restricts their chances to contact me.

Shadowboy · 09/11/2019 23:19

I’m with you OP. Kids are glued to their phones. Not having them for a few hours is a good idea. I’d be fully supportive. Those that would have let it go for a sleepover.... those kids that egged her DD on May well be the type to do stupid things on their phone when in a heard environment with the excitement of a sleepover.

OctoberLovers · 09/11/2019 23:21

You arent there parent. You have no right doing that. No way!

lyralalala · 09/11/2019 23:21

I think if I had someone I didn't know's child sleeping over at my house I would ask to speak to them first to check that they knew where she was & and were happy about this.

That's the key thing. I think a lot of parents are happy for 10/11/12/13yos just to organise sleepovers amongst themselves. I always speak to the other parent to make sure they know they are staying with us, that I let mine walk to the chip shop or dominos (it's only 5 minutes and no roads, but some people don't let their kids go), that phones stay in the kitchen overnight and that my youngest has a health condition that occasionally means late night hospital trips so MIL (who lives with us) may end up in charge of the house/kids. Many parents are totally surprised that I phone.

spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 23:22

Ok so why do the majority of parents want their DCs to have phones, is it

A. To access the internet whenever
B. To be able to play games
C. To have access to their parents 24/7

It's C for most parents and OP decides that the parents don't have that right?