...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

They know they are not particularly clever, charming, successful or attractive

That is the oddest response 😳

Parents are meant to be controlling

I disagree entirely. Parents are meant to exercise limits and boundaries. Your comment is odd when used in relation to teens; you can't be controlling with teens unless you want an apocalypse-style rebellion at some point.

My kids went to a summer camp where their phones were kept downstairs for the duration and only allowed twice a day.

I guess this was more formal and it was clear in the rules.

I think it’s a good thing tbh.

However there are so many connotations about other parents, taking kids phones who are not yours, it’s a minefield. However I wonder whether in years to come we might be a bit stricter? Probably a good idea.

@ReanimatedSGB

I could not agree with you more.

The 'well we didn't have phones back in ye good olde days and we managed perfectly well at sleepover' posters are making as ridiculous an analogy as Drizzzle's 'gin' one earlier in the thread.

Thirty years ago most households wouldn't have had much/any provision for kids who were vegetarian/vegan/gluten free. Does that mean children in 2019 with allergies or restricted diets shouldn't get fed at sleepovers? Back when you were having sleepovers you would have to just watch whatever was on one of the four terrestrial channels - so should kids at sleepovers today not have access to netflix? Hey, a hudnred years ago 13 y/o wouldn't have had time to have sleepovers because they'd be doing a full shift in the factory or mine. Such snowflakes! You didn't have phones in the 1970s/80s/90s or whatever because they didn't exist, not because you were so self-sufficient and tough, ffs!

You wouldn't expect adults in 2019 to restrict themselves from using new technology to make their lives easier/better, so why is it some moral failing if children do the same?

Another question - if you checked into a hotel and the receptionist said 'Sorry our policy is no phones in rooms in case someone abuses our internet so you'll have to hand your mobile in. Don't worry you will get it back in the morning when you check out, and you can use our landline in the main lobby if you need anything.' Would you be fine with that?
Because if no, what's the difference to this scenario? Except from the fact that, as an adult, you are much less vulnerable than a child. Oh, and in a hotel you would have a private bathroom and a lockable room.

Am a teacher with years experience. Having seen the number of issues caused by night time/weekend phone use like bullying, sexting etc, and the aftermath in schooltime, I wish more parents would be like you @dubmumof2

I don't agree with your rule op but it's up to you what you do in your own home.

Where you are wrong is in not making it abundantly clear to the children and their parents before the sleepover. Once they know the rule it's up to them whether they choose to sleepover or not but they can't make that choice if they aren't aware of your rules.

@tvstar how do you know how old my kids are?

@onceandneveragain totally agree with you

Goodness me.
You can’t take a teens phone from them, you have absolutely no right to do that.
If you don’t trust your own kids- don’t have others over to stay.

Of course yabu.

@onceandneveragain 100% spot on!

When kids were under 12 I asked them and their friends to turn off phones at 11pm,ish so that they would eventually chat and fall asleep, mainly because then they might get 5 or 6 hours sleep and so us and the other families would not have the next day ruined by grumpy exhausted kids. They all also seemed to have activities the next day so it seemed a better idea to send them to matches, lessons etc with at least a bit of energy.

Now they are older I chat to them all together at the start of the evening usually when I am doing tea or snacks hopefully with a bit of humour, probably completely cringey. I ask them not to post porno videos, or get into chat late at night because it's just a bad idea. I remind them of the I have seen your willy video. I say they can watch apprpriateish films and bits until 2am then I would prefer them to be a bit quiet or I will not be in a good mood in the morning and won't do pancakes.
I let them have a big tablet so they call all watch the same thing. I ask them to turn their phones off or silent overnight so they dont beep and piss me off. They can keep them in the room if they repect these not unreasonable (I don't think) requests. They seem to do all this quite willingly, who knows, but they are lovely kids. I wouldnt have them back if they were little $%#. But they all keep coming.

in the week no phones upstairs, no tech overnight in rooms. Rule for all of us, me included.

Good parenting involves teaching your kids, from a very early age, that they don't have to obey adults no matter what. Rules should always be explained and justified (even when the justification is no more specific than'because doing this would hurt someone else's feelings' )

So if the host, in loco parentis, explains that their house rule is phones charged downstairs or in bedrooms, so that everyone (inc adults) can rest easily without worrying, is that OK? The justification has been provided.

Or is nothing but complete autonomy for 13-year-olds OK?

There’s a sliding scale, surely? 15-year-olds get more trust than 13-year-olds who get more trust than 11-year-olds.

But if we have to blanket-respect the right of any child who has possession of an internet-enabled phone to have it at all times ... hmm. My DC and their friends will need to decide which is better, I guess. Unfettered access to devices 24-7 or some limitations alongside reasonable rules.

I’m super happy to explain why (tho not a 4 am like OP!!) but I don’t think it’s fundamentally awful fit a child in a sleepover to understand I am the adult in authority and what I say is for good reason.

Good on you OP. I agree with you whole heartedly. The teens who didnt like it could have gone home. Your home your rules.

Onceandneveragain you are right!

They're not your children, nor did you purchase their phones. It is up to their parents to decide when they have access to their phones.

They're not your children, nor did you purchase their phones. It is up to their parents to decide when they have access to their phones.

Parents should therefore check the house rules before allowing their child to go on a sleepover

As someone who has worked in safeguarding and sadly seen how usually well behaved kids can behave when in a group and in party or sleepover mode, (and know what can happen with overnight phone usage when adults are believed to be asleep), I think the OP is very sensible. By removing the phones you are potentially stopping a serious safeguarding situation arising. I know people have written about how their child is vulnerable and needs access to a phone overnight, but I know of too many cases where children /teenagers were put at risk /endangered by being allowed phone overnight at a sleepover. Using phones when exhausted in the early hours is when they are far more likely to do something they would potentially regret - which of us would ever send for example a work email at 2am and think we were fully rational?! Teenagers get Into bother because they act without thinking; they are even less likely to be thinking rationally on a sleepover in the early hours.... It is not about being overly strict, it is about keeping other parents’ children safe in your home. Thank you OP for wanting to keep children safe when in your home.

Your house, your rules. I cannot believe they were coming into your bedroom trying to recover. I suppose in future let the parents know.

Fwiw though, I am a teacher and I wholeheartedly agree with your rule.

I wouldn’t be happy about someone else deciding when my child can have their phone that I pay for.

Don’t ever ask another adult to be responsible for them, in that case. No club leaders, no school teachers, no sleepover hosts...

The possession of the phone doesn’t make them safer. Understanding personal boundaries, developing resilience and problem-solving skills, having strong friendships and relationships, developing trust in their peers (or when it’s better to seek adult assistance) and knowing when to speak up and when to shut up - that’s all stuff they need more than a phone by their side 24-7.

Regardless of whether or not you have overreacted, I think that it's awful for two 13 year olds to keep you up half the night arguing the toss with you! I find that more disrespectful. It's a bit harsh, but actually, your reasons for doing so are logical.

I do get where your coming from with the rule but as a teenager I wouldn't have felt comfortable handing over my phone to a friends parent. I suffered from my early teens with severe anxiety and would have had a huge panic attack at not being immediately in contact with my mum, and I was too shy to have asked for my phone back - also I would then have worried and my mind worked over time on what someone would have thought about me if I wanted to text my mum over night

You probably wanna check you're yelling at the right person first @Tvstar

My children have had their smart phones with them since they had them at year 7..
All at Uni or post Uni now. If there were ever any issues they spoke to me. (Only once for one of them in all that time) and they felt relaxed to talk to me and I took the appropriate action - I am in law enforcement, so know what to do and who to call)
Prohibition NEVER works.. .. and just embarrasses your child.

There is nothing they can do between the hours of 1am- 7am that they can't do between 6pm-12 midnight so your behaviour is illogical.

Just turn off the WI-FI and change password when you go to bed. Teens hate to use their data !

It's not something I have ever done, and there has never been any issues, but if those are your rules, and everyone knows beforehand, then YANBU. Bit off if is was just sprung on them though.