...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

It's interesting that most school trips and trips with children's groups do not allow mobile phones at all. I wonder how all the children of the parents on this thread will cope without their phone for 5 days or a week! No wonder mental health issues in young people are on the rise. We need to let our children be on their own, to take risks and learn that they can manage problems themselves without their parent there or at the end of a phone line. We are doing about children a real disservice by not giving them these opportunities to grow, learn essential skills and be confident in their own abilities.

Personally I wouldnt care about a 13 year old caring if I were cool or not. Why did you ask on aibu?? Honestly, it wont do them any harm. If half the posters little darlings cant fend for themselves on a sleepover then that is not your fault or problem. It's the parents.

It's C for most parents and OP decides that the parents don't have that right?

Parents can have that right. The OP doesn't want unsupervised children having internet access all night in her house; that's also her right

There is a child whose house my kids are not allowed to stay at because I don't like the rules of that house. If parents don't like the OP's phone rule then they don't need to let their child stay there

@lyralalala but OP didn't state the rules pre sleepover!

You have absolutely no right to take another person’s property away from them. You’re a complete control freak. Your poor kid must be mortified and the laughing stock at school.

If you don’t want them to use their phones after midnight then tell them this and tell them there’ll be a sanction if they don't follow this rule e.g. they won’t be invited again. But at that age it’s better to trust them until you have a reason not to, not the other way round.

Wont notifications and the begiig of messages pop up on screen even if the phone is locked??
Also you do know many phones cisyi hundreds of pounds, have yu thought how anxious this could make someone handing it over to someone who they scarcely know?

Why do people think wifi matters?

Don't most teens are unlimited data contracts? They are so cheap these days.

@Daughterofspaz

Interesting name.

WTAF

@catsandchardonnay most stupid comment I've ever read. You dont stand a chance with teenagers

Also why do people have such an issue with their teenage songs watching porn. Newsflash by the age of 10 they're most likely actively watching porn one way or another. Boys have needs especially teenagers going through puberty. It's completely normal for them to wank. Imagine how much of a nightmare it would be if they didn't.

You think that 10 year old should have unfetted access to online porn?

Just boys or all 10 year olds?

Attitudes like that are exactly why I won't change my rules for sleepovers. 10 year olds shouldn't have unsupervised internet access at all. Let alone parents being permissive of porn. Neither should parents be remotely encouraging online porn useage by young teenagers either. Especially boys.

That's exactly why young people have such a skewed view of sex.

@Daughterofspaz lessens and more parenting required..

But at that age it’s better to trust them until you have a reason not to, not the other way round.

Firstly that's basically shutting the door after the horse has bolted

Secondly the OP has already tried trusting her kids to leave their phones, but they were being retrieved so she already has a reason not too

*less wine and more parenting

YABU.

Firstly its not your place to take their phones.

Secondly, as a teen, I'd have felt really awkward having to go into my friend spare nta room at night to wake them to use my own mobile phone.

It's one night! Let them keep their phones.

I only read six pages but this has brought up a memory from my childhood!

I was about11 and staying the night at my friends house. The house was.. unclean. To put it really nicely. Think something Kim and Aggie would run screaming from.
Dinner was... gross and I ended up with food poisoning and diarrhoea in the middle of the night, and had no clean underwear. I was way too embarrassed to wake up the mum in the middle of the night and tell her so I just sat on the top bunk, feeling god awful and actually considering walking home.

Being able to send a quick text to my mum would have saved me a whole lot of embarrassment and unpleasantness.

You seriously can’t take other kids property off them. I wouldn’t worry about deciding if they’re welcome or not anymore, they won’t want to come back.

I think the rule is fine for your children, but keeping phones in your room belonging to your children friends is a little UR. They may not feel comfortable waking you to get them if they want to call their parents. I would not have at that age (although at that time it would have been to use a landline because I am old).

I wouldn't have argued over it for four hours, though.

My only concern would be that they might not feel they can tell you that they want to call their parents, no matter how confident they seem! When i wad younger i had regular sleepovers at a friend's and it was honestly filthy with dust. it made me sneeze and wheeze and, really, i could have done with my mum suddenly needing me home. Or another occasion when the others all ignored me and made me feel stupid, If I'd had a phone i could have text and got my mum to call and get me home without embarrassment.

What if your child upsets them but they don't want to say?

If you didn't want them on their phones after midnight, why didn't you just tell them that? You do not even go e them a chance to comply, you assumed they wouldn't and demanded to take away their phones!

Your house, your rules. But I would probably let the parents know in advance of the sleepover. No teenager needs their phone at a sleepover between midnight and 6am

I'd be seriously worried my children were going to be bullied now tbh. You sound unwell with the sheer obsession you have about controlling phone usage of other people.

If I heard of this happening to my child I'd pick them up asap. I'd wonder what you wanted their phones for and I'd worry you were looking at/transferring their pictures etc and I'd worry why on earth you wouldn't want them to have access to me/emergency services. I wouldn't have stayed if I was a teen either as that was the age I started being sexually abused so I wouldn't have given up access to my phone. It's easy to not see why others may have an issue if you've not had an incident where you need it.

Disgraceful, I've been at a sleepover and been bullied whilst the parents have been asleep, I would have loved to spoken to my mum who would have made an excuse to come and get me, I didn't want to wake their mum and tell her about her own daughter. I also have IBS and never knew when it was going to start and would have been so upset to have to tell anyone other than my family. I've also had a situation with a dad being inappropriate. You have absolutely no right to take away a teenagers ability to contact their parent. I would be furious if I'd sent my child with the ability to contact me at any time and another parent had decided they had the right to remove this without discussing it with me.
Also you are still doing this to your 15 year old, no you are far too controlling.

I'm surprised at the consensus on here: I'm sure I've previously seen threads where an OP is concerned about a teenager's excessive phone use overnight and is met with a chorus of 'why do they have their phone overnight?'.

As PP have said, they won't have them on school trips, and who cares if a 15 year old thinks I'm cool?

Surely they've all got pin or print locks so noone's snooping through anyone else's phone.

One of my teens (early teens) has a huge issue with voicing her needs....shyness and a touch of anxiety. If you took her phone she would NEVER be able to approach you for it back to text me.

You are HUGELY unreasonable and it's a real infringement. Teens are young adults and have a right to their property.

Wise up. There is no way I would allow any other parent to tell my child to hand over their phone. You are not their teacher! I would not allow my child to stay in your house ever again.
Your poor children.