...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

Or had their photo taken and widely shared whilst asleep?

Yes because that would be incredibly traumatic besides camera phones have been around a while - I don’t think sharing pictures of people asleep (if this ever was a thing?? And if so, who would give a shit or find that interesting?) is something young people would find particularly funny or exciting nowadays - lots of other things you can do on phones (by which I don’t mean messaging strangers and arranging a meet up ) I hate to say it but it sounds like you are a bit stuck in 2003 .

I would casually mention that DD doesn't feel comfortable being away from home and to call me if she needs collecting but it's unlikely I would go into detail unless it was someone I knew well and trusted.

I am with @Frequency here. DD has autism, depression, anxiety and self harms in certain situations. She is lonely as friendships are hard for her. Nevertheless, she has been invited to sleepovers with 2 different friends. I also did not tell the parents the full extent of her issues as she would be devastated if anyone found out, but I did let them know that she has autism, can get anxious and has her phone in case she needs to contact me. She would be very keen to go on a sleepover to try to fit in and to improve her (few) friendships, but would absolutely need her phone on her at all times as there is no way her anxiety would allow her to ask for me to be contacted in the middle of the night. If the parent told me they wouldn't allow her to keep her phone, then I couldn't allow her to stay as being very upset or anxious is one of her self harm triggers. However, if she knew she could contact me from her mobile whenever she wanted to, I'm sure she would be ok. It would be a real shame if a house rule of no phones overnight prevented her from being able to join in with her friends.

"Hi X's mum, it's OP's mum here. Just checking your rules for overnight phones so I know for the sleepover. If you could let me know that'd be great. Thanks!"

Took me 10 seconds to type that. That's how you lose all the drama!

I hate to say it but it sounds like you are a bit stuck in 2003

Nope. I’m a safeguarding officer at a high school. I spend lots of time with teenagers who are having to deal with fallout from online activity. Maybe that’s why I have more insight than you about the effect it has.

YANBU. I can't believe the posters who seem to think it's akin to hacking off a limb. It's a phone, get over it.

NRTT but if my dc did not have full access to their phone at all times, they would not be staying in your house, ever.

OP, I agree with your general stance on phones during the week. But I honestly think you're setting your children up to lack resilience in the adult world with this level of control. You simply can't control what they see 24/7. They WILL be exposed to porn, sexual content etc and it's best that this happens in the normal teenage way rather than surreptitiously by themselves- which is what you're pushing them towards with this all controlling approach.

Wouldn't it be better that you gradually start to entrust them with a few bits of freedom- eg the usual phone rule during the week but slackened slightly for sleepovers on the understanding the dc behave responsibility. Of course they're going to look up stupid videos etc and someone will probably look up sexual stuff. But isn't that just what all teenagers have done at sleepovers since the history of time, whether through dirty mags, dvds, or sneaking in sex manuals! I mean it's not nice, but you can never fully stop it! All you can do is ensure your dc are raised with healthy boundaries, with respect for women, and a clear understanding and confidence about consent, and when to say no, including if they ever feel uncomfortable watching something they know is wrong.

Beyond that, you can do your best to ensure your relationship is open and honest and non-judgemental, and with a healthy level of increasing trust and mutual respect, so that they would feel relaxed about telling you about afar they do/don't already know.

I don't think you're being fair to blame the other children for being a bad influence when your own dc came to you to ask about the phones. No doubt they felt in a very awkward position. They also likely felt you don't offer them any opportunities to take responsibility or show any trust in them. This is far more likely to push them towards secretive behaviour ime, and to eventually go wild / off the rails when they leave home or go to university and get some freedom. It's not the best preparation for mature responsible adulthood imo.

Fucking phones. They are more hassle than they are worth.

Children do not need phones overnight. There is increasing evidence that reliance on smart phones increases anxiety. The mental health crisis in children is deeply connected to how constantly monitored they feel.

I remember sometimes feeling anxious at sleep overs. But then I had to stick with it and discovered that it was a so bad and I was actually having a good time.

Anyone who thinks their teens aren’t watching inappropriate content behind their backs is kidding themselves.

This sort of attitude may explain why my dd used to take 2 phones everywhere, one she admitted to, the other a secret phone for emergencies xx

I wouldn't not like your rule being enforced on my child at a sleepover

"Parents see phones as a way to protect their kids.....to me they make children a lot more vulnerable." One of the few sensible comments on this thread.
Also, it's truly bizarre how many parents feel they need to 'rescue' their kids from sleepovers. Kids need to learn to sort stuff out themselves, including getting their period, rubbing along with a family who has different rules and feeling a bit sad for no particular reason. If there is concern about bullying or sexual abuse, why on earth are these kids at the sleepover in the first place?

This sort of attitude may explain why my dd used to take 2 phones everywhere, one she admitted to, the other a secret phone for emergencies

I have a £10 dumb phone that DS could take as a backup if I knew a parent had a no phone rule. I strongly disagree with not allowing phones without letting the parents of the visiting children know beforehand though, if you haven't got permission then you shouldn't be taking a child's phone. It's very different to taking alcohol from a teenager.

Totally agree maniacal

I don’t think you should take other peoples childrens phones off them.

You should charge phones overnight, it’s dangerous

If people come to your house ( teenagers) and they don’t like your rules ( they could have agreed to switch them off) don’t invite them again.

Don’t have sleepovers, no one sleeps, it appears they are rude to you, and your children will be grouchy the next day

I hate sleepovers, refuse in future

You shouldn’t charge phones overnight ^

You actually sound ridiculous. The whole point of having friends for a sleepover is to have fun and stay up late not go to sleep at bedtime.
Your dc will likely be mortified and don't be surprised if fee children come for sleepovers at your house.
No idea why you can't relax rules for a special occasion.

And fwiw I don't let my youngest (12 years old) have his phone all night but certainly wouldn't embarrass him by acting like that when he has friends over.

I genuinely have zero recollection of a single girl wanting to call her mum (if there were period issues, we’d ask each other), wanting to go home or being anxious (we were mates!), hating the host parents (and some were more strict than other but mostly they were all lovely. Some were just a tad... bonkers / pissed / needy!) or needing to call home. Ever.

I suppose it depends who your friendship group was. I remember a girl who used to lock herself in the toilet at school/on sleepovers with Brownies and a teacher or supervisor would have to call her parents to come and get her out. She always had an excuse when we invited her to our houses to sleepover. She would come for dinner sometimes but her mum would insist on picking her up at 6pm, right after the meal.

At the time we all thought she was an attention seeker and her mother was overprotective, looking back it's clear to see she had some fairly serious mental health issues. She's doing well now, afaik.

I agree social media has played some part in the current mental health crisis in our young people but there are other factors at play such as better diagnosis and understanding of mental health issues and greater external pressures such as an increase in exams.

When I was at school it was no big deal if you didn't pass your exams. You just went to trade school or got a fairly well paying job in a factory. Now, children are told their future depends on them doing well at SATS, GCSE, A Level and Uni and exams start as young as seven.

Bullying happened when I was young but not to the extent it does now (social media plays a part in this, of course) but I remember it being cracked down on a lot harder than it was in DD's primary school.

Also I'd be furious if a parent did that. One of my dc has asthma there's no way I'd let them stay away overnight without a phone.

How embarrassing for your children. That age is difficult enough without your parent making it harder.

Also I'd be furious if a parent did that. One of my dc has asthma there's no way I'd let them stay away overnight without a phone

Why? If they’re with adults you and they trust then that is what ensures they are safe. If your child is having an asthma attack, how will a phone help them?

Unless my dc could walk home safely, they had to have access to a phone at all times, otherwise overnight stays did not happen.

Haven't read the full thread, but If it were me, that would be the last time the impudent child who argued the toss stayed at my house.

It seems a perfectly sensible rule to me.

I'll open my question up to OP's supporters,

How will you know when it is safe for your kids to have their phones overnight?

SmileEachDay, forkfun, curlychocs, GooseFeather, ImportantWater, CreatedBySombra, pollyputthepastaon ...?

I was also wondering if the 'no electronics upstairs' rule applies to everyone in household or just the kids. Please don't say that there is something magical about being aged > 17 yrs + 364 days old.

I think it's a good idea OP. Very sensible. Stick to your guns. Kids don't bloody need phones constantly.

It’s not just a phone though is it? It’s a teenagers property and in most cases probably very expensive. I would think it very weird if my child went to a sleepover and the parent took her phone from her and kept it in her own bedroom