...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

@AlternativePerspective
As for accusing the OP of turning her child into a laughing stock, should we as parents allow our children to do whatever they want whenever they want because their friends are allowed to?

Exactly, and I've been known to use on my kids what I was told when I was little...

Kid - "But "Gemma" does it, why can't I?"

Me - "If Gemma jumped off a cliff, would you?!"

Also my father was very controlling when i was a child when i got my first mobile he went threw it all the time if someone called the house phone he asked their names but didnt tell me who called ect. I rebelled hard when i turned 16. Let your kids have a bit of control over their own lives let them have their phones

The phones are off and locked, so that’s not an issue..

Really @SmileEachDay. You don't know anyone who can get into a locked phone? I bet that at least half of those girls have some version of their birthday as a passcode.

I'm not saying the Op isn't doing it for the right reasons in her mind. But I find it very ironic that all this talk about teens not to be trusted so many are so quick to trust that adult male or female (sorry op I don't know if you're mum or dad) is automatically to be trusted.

Lots of people here seem to think that you have to please your child and their friends at all times, and that we have to " accept teen culture." This is what creates entitled inconsiderate adults who can't think for themselves.

I wouldn't be happy with someone confiscating my DD's phone.

When she is out or away from home I like to know where she is and stay in touch with her.

It's just a sleepover can't you chill?

I don't think anyone is actually suggesting that having phones overnight is a good thing.

The trouble is the genie is very definitely out of the bottle and teens use phones extensively, the phones are also their personal property. You can't confiscate them.

What I might add however is that the children and teens who are the most vulnerable to grooming are those who have poor relationships with adults at home. (Note, I am absolutely not suggesting they are the only ones at risk).

Making sure your children can tell you anything is a better way to keep them safe than rules that can easily be broken.

& also, OP, sorry, but I don't necessarily know or trust you.

Jesus 😂 Then don’t send your DC to sleep in my house. Simple as.

You don't know anyone who can get into a locked phone?

Not without hacking off a finger or a face first these days, which I guess presents an entirely separate safeguarding issue.

And I agree re adults: I think the onus is on parents to know who their children are sleeping over with. I know that isn’t failsafe - nor is living with your own family. Having a phone doesn’t mitigate this risk.

With a group of teens and unfettered access overnight there is a world of really, really unpleasant stuff - egged on by friends, which is so powerful.

This generation is ridiculous - I never had a mobile phone growing up and I was not mentally controlled by other parents by not having one on a sleepover.

What a nice thing to say about an entire generation - that they are ridiculous.

I'm sure that pious attitude really helps you to engage teenagers in a positive way and seem approachable!

Life is short, chill out and trust that if you think your style of parenting is so brilliant then your kids should make good, healthy decisions even when you aren't around.

& also, OP, sorry, but I don't necessarily know or trust you

So why the heck would you send your kid there for a sleepover in the first place then lol?!

I've had a few occasions where one of my kids was struggling at a party but didn't want the other kids know so text me and asked me to call and make an excuse why they had to go home or go home early the next day.

Also if they did need it during the night a lot teens I know wouldn't feel comfortable waking their friends mum up.

I'm generally pretty strict about phones and screens and totally agree with your no phones at night rule on a normal night but not during a sleep over.

No .you are wrong ..not fair on visiting child

Lots of people here seem to think that you have to please your child and their friends at all times, and that we have to " accept teen culture." This is what creates entitled inconsiderate adults who can't think for themselves.

I don't think parents should pander to their children at all but nor do I think that parents should actively seek to embarrass their children in front of friends. In the ops case I would limit sleepovers to only friends that they knew well and whose parents shared the same rules. I wouldn't have complete strangers staying over and then impose rules like these (well, I wouldn't have any child over that I didn't know and whose parent I hadn't contacted beforehand anyway).

Moonlightholly, I am not talking about abusive situations here, that is a totally different thing, but surely if a TEENAGER has to spend one miserable night at a friends/ex friends house, it will help them learn how to cope with awkward situations. If we completely wrap our children in cotton wool, they are going to get an enormous shock when they enter the real world!
However, I also don't agree with the OP taking their phones without it being arranged with the parents first. I noticed that the OP said that one of her children arranged it directly with the child with no parental input, I would never had let any child stay at my house without talking to the parent first.

Wow. Proper shocked at this thread that there’s such horror at the - usually MN-approved - rule of no phones in rooms after midnight!

I wouldn’t lock them in my room, but I would expect them to be left elsewhere in the house overnight. I’d also be empowering my teens to police the rule and be proactive in suggesting other stuff to do than mess on phones past midnight.

For those who say they want their teens to be able to text to pick them up at 3 a.m. without talking to the host... do you/would you just rock up at that time in the night and take the child away without saying anything to the adult in charge?

I always text /wattsapp my 13 year old when on a sleep over, if I didn't receive a reply I would be worried and phone you the adult, I wouldn't be happy if you had taken her phone from her, she may want to come home, she may need me for other reasons, I would want you to inform me if you were going to take her phone away befour the sleepover

I would be furious if someone did this to my child! YABVU

I would be furious if someone did this to my child!

How would you feel if your child, egged on by friends, chatted to an unknown person over SM and arranged to meet them the next day?

Or had their photo taken and widely shared whilst asleep?

OP, my DD is in Year 7 and hasn't had/been on any sleepovers yet, but when she is invited on one I hope her host will have the same attitude as you! I think there is much less potential for trouble if phones are removed overnight.

Well with all the glancing at the phones earlier in the day, there's a good chance to have seen them put the passcode in. @SmileEachDay.
I guess it's which risk you judge to be highest. From my own experience I see adults as a bigger threat to children than other children.
My ds is only one but when he gets a phone it will be when I deem him trustworthy with one. That will be my decision and I wouldn't be happy with another adult removing it from him. I think even most secondary schools allow students to keep phones in their bags and they're only confiscated if used in class or inappropriately, that was the rule at my school anyway and parents and pupils signed to say they agreed with that.

Anyway, I think we'll probably have to agree to disagree @SmileEachDay. I tend to think that trust should be given unless there's good reason not to. So I personally wouldn't remove my own child's phone at night, unless they'd given me reason to. It's the way I was raised and it meant I never kept things from my mum and always knew I could go to her. It always meant if she said no to something I respected that. But I guess until I'm at the stage with my own Dc I won't know for sure and Ds is only one so I've a long way to go.

But as I said at first, I definitely don't think the Op should remove phones without telling the parents.

YABU. They're not your children so you don't have any right to take away their property. And at 15, I also think you're unreasonable to take away your own child's phone. Let them grow up.
If my child was going to a sleepover, I'd like them to be able to contact me if need be and vice versa.

How would you feel if your child, egged on by friends, chatted to an unknown person over SM and arranged to meet them the next day?

Ahhh yes. These messages can only be sent past midnight

How would you feel if your child, egged on by friends, chatted to an unknown person over SM and arranged to meet them the next day?

The only effective way to deal with this is to talk to your children about the dangers of social media, online grooming etc and make sure you have the kind of relationship where they know they can come to you about anything.

Ahhh yes. These messages can only be sent past midnight grin

Not at all. I addressed that earlier.

The only effective way to deal with this is to talk to your children about the dangers of social media, online grooming etc and make sure you have the kind of relationship where they know they can come to you about anything

I agree. That and following sensible guidelines about supervision of internet access.

I’ve read most of TFT and my face has been for all of it.

I don’t have a teen but I was one and took part in, from the age of about 12 till around 15, a sleepover pretty much every weekend. Either at my house or one of about 6 friends (we rotated so as to not piss off one set of parents!). We also crossed over to other groups of friends for Mass Sleepovers with about 10-15 of us.

I am old. Mobile phones did not exist.

I genuinely have zero recollection of a single girl wanting to call her mum (if there were period issues, we’d ask each other), wanting to go home or being anxious (we were mates!), hating the host parents (and some were more strict than other but mostly they were all lovely. Some were just a tad... bonkers / pissed / needy!) or needing to call home. Ever.

This thread explains why so many 20 somethings I employ can be a tad... underprepared.