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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

999 replies

dubmumof2 · 09/11/2019 14:09

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 09/11/2019 17:52

You have no right to police other kid's internet and phone use

You are completely naive. Absolutely the responsible adult should be in loco parentis. Teenagers have access to communication and content way beyond their ability to keep themselves and others safe.

churchandstate · 09/11/2019 17:52

Please call social services 🙄

Don’t be silly. This is about you being comfortable with one thing and someone else not being. In your house, you have your rules. In another person’s house, they have theirs.

churchandstate · 09/11/2019 17:53

Teenagers have access to communication and content way beyond their ability to keep themselves and others safe.

Yes. We - the adults - seem to be under some sort of mass delusion about the necessity of giving young teens phones.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 09/11/2019 17:54

Jeez, how did we all live without phones in the "olden days?"
YANBU.

Drizzzle · 09/11/2019 17:54

But it doesn't matter if the OP was willing to transport the children. Surely their parent would pick them ul because that's what you are saying that the phone is for?

MauritiusNext · 09/11/2019 17:56

This reply has been deleted

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GirlOnIt · 09/11/2019 17:57

But so what if she pops in @SmileEachDay. I've worked with kids who've admitted watching porn while sat in the back of the car with their parents! Who've been grinned when the only time they received and sent messages was on the bus ride to and from school. I don't deny phones can be misused.

Also worth thinking about, a child is most likely to be harmed by someone they know. Would you all agreeing with the Op, be absolutely 100% certain that the taking of the phones was in the child's best interests? What if it's so they can't call home? What if the op is accessing those phones and copying photos or private information.

There's a lot of talk on here about not trusting teenagers. But why on earth should they trust adults?
I've met far more adults who shouldn't be trusted than I have teenagers and the scariest part the vast majority of them have been parents themselves.

CactusAndCacti · 09/11/2019 17:59

My dd's two friends are far from snowflakes, but if having their phone means they are happy to come to our house then fair enough. My house is completely chaotic, yet they still come.

Putting them in the kitchen or lounge is one thing but having them in your bedroom is a whole other matter.

GirlOnIt · 09/11/2019 18:00

And that should say groomed not grinned. My phone likes to changed what I write.

Doletmeknow · 09/11/2019 18:00

Christ, you absolute control freak.

Drizzzle · 09/11/2019 18:02

If your child has severe mental -/physical health problems surely you would let the host know?

SmileEachDay · 09/11/2019 18:03

GirlOnIt

Yep - it’s all about mitigating risk and intermittent supervision is one way of doing that. Leaving groups of teens with unfettered access overnight does nothing to mitigate risk and a lot to increase it.

AlternativePerspective · 09/11/2019 18:04

Dear God what is the obsession with children having to have a phone with them at all times and being able to contact a parent at all times...

Is it any wonder we’re raising a generation of children who are incapable of existing without the constant need for reassurance and security blankets.

Children have no need for phones in bedrooms, at the dinner table or anywhere else the place they’re in for that matter. In fact when they go on school trips phones are largely banned until they reach year9/10 at the earliest.

As for accusing the OP of turning her child into a laughing stock, should we as parents allow our children to do whatever they want whenever they want because their friends are allowed to?

Bl3ss3dm0m · 09/11/2019 18:04

I think that if you don't want them to have their phones overnight then you should let the child and it's parents know at the time of arranging the sleepover, tbh I cannot comprehend how you don't already do this.
As an aside, when I was a child during sleepovers, if we had wanted to phone our parents it would have had to be on a landline - we never did, it didn't even occur to us - and of course in my parents day, they would usually not have had a phone at all, except my Granddad was a Head Constable in the RUC so he did have a phone!

Pardonwhat · 09/11/2019 18:04

Way way way over the top.
Even with your own children.
You worry what they’ll watch when you’re asleep? How can you control that when you’re awake?? And if you mean porn - which I presume you do - your eldest is nearly 16.
It’s all a bit odd.

SmileEachDay · 09/11/2019 18:05

What if it's so they can't call home?
Because? What scenario are you thinking about?

What if the op is accessing those phones and copying photos or private information

The phones are off and locked, so that’s not an issue..

Frequency · 09/11/2019 18:07

If your child has severe mental -/physical health problems surely you would let the host know?

It depends how well I knew the host and how much I trusted them not to discuss DDs illness with their children/friends/family. As evidenced on this thread childhood mental health issues are generally sneered at. Unsurprisingly, DD doesn't like people knowing about her issues.

I would casually mention that DD doesn't feel comfortable being away from home and to call me if she needs collecting but it's unlikely I would go into detail unless it was someone I knew well and trusted.

Drizzzle · 09/11/2019 18:07

AlternativePerspective completely agree with you.

MauritiusNext · 09/11/2019 18:08

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ragged · 09/11/2019 18:08

I'll try this again:

OP: please explain why your children & their guests were safer by not having their phones overnight.

How will you know when it is safe for them to have their phones overnight?

PurpleCrowbar · 09/11/2019 18:08

& also, OP, sorry, but I don't necessarily know or trust you.

I'm going to assume & hope that you are lovely & trustworthy, as are any other adult family members eg. your dp, your adult children, your db/ddad who also happen to be staying that night. Because if I don't, my dc don't get sleepovers - & I do know parents who blanket ban them for these reasons. I also know adults who have been damaged by deeply unpleasant experiences on teenage sleepovers, up to & including assault by adults in the house.

I think the risk of you or another adult in the house being a danger to my dc on a sleepover is a proportionate one to take. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I'd still like them to have the ability to contact me if they need to without it being gatekept by the person who just might be the problem.

Anonmummyoftwo · 09/11/2019 18:09

You have zero right to take a phone off another child. What if this child wanted to text parents because they are upset and didnt want friends to find out. If you did this to my child i would be very unhappy.

LovemyDDxx · 09/11/2019 18:09

Good God you sound very controlling! I would be fuming if my DD went to a sleepover and the other mother wanted the phone removed! Yes they can go to you if they wanted to contact their parents, but why should they! Don’t be that parent!!!

Tistheseason17 · 09/11/2019 18:10

As for accusing the OP of turning her child into a laughing stock, should we as parents allow our children to do whatever they want whenever they want because their friends are allowed to

^^ This

I am also a bit Hmm how 13 year olds being told to ignore parents of their friends as a good thing... Prob the same parents who think their PLOs are perfect and do no wrong and it's the school, police's fault when there is trouble...

I tell my children to respec other adults and the rules of their house. The will live without their phone from midnight....

LovemyDDxx · 09/11/2019 18:10

I agree with @Anonmummyoftwo what if the child is upset and doesn’t want anybody else to know!