...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

There are lots of reasons why phones might present a problem on a sleepover. And arguments for and against why your ‘rule’ is or may be sensible.

BUT you are massively unreasonable - for the primary reason that these phones DID NOT BELONG TO YOU (I’ve never used capitals in a post before). And you confiscated them against the wishes of the people who owned them (13 and 15 year olds who would be considered, likely enough, competent to instruct their own solicitor or decline or request medical treatment).

You have no more legal right to confiscate the phones of these young people, than you do the phones of other guests you have staying over.

13 and 15 year olds who would be considered, likely enough, competent to instruct their own solicitor or decline or request medical treatment).

Or leave?

I think people here have no idea the types of things teenagers or nearly teenagers use phones for. The terrible fallout that has occurred from teenagers with their phones when with friends is unbelievable. Young people who would not say boo to a boost become disgusting bullies. Girls who are shy, sending pictures of themselves naked. Horrific porn being accessed. Supposedly lovely groups of girls and boys harassing and hounding each other, or others in secret face book groups. I applaud what you do and I would be grateful to you. I went to sleepover where the only phone was the landline...I survived. The kids can still get to their phone. I'll be following your example when my children are older.

I’m afraid that parents who take phones off their DC at bedtime are often well meaning but naive.
They don’t need a phone to get on line. An old tablet, iPod or games console will do.

Because none of the parents posting here who don’t allow phones at night will have considered any of this stuff...

As a pp said if a man ( girl's Dad)had taken 13-15 year olds friends phones for the same reason as Op. He would probably be seen as creepy and controlling.

You will be talked about at school, though I am sure you don't care. A mother told some kids off at a Disco party. Kids still remember it to this day.

I would not be happy with another parent having my kids phone, I'm sure you have a safe home with no issues but the parents don't know you, their could be anything going on in your household. I find it odd parents don't trust their kids, we didn't even do parental controls, we trusted them to follow rules and stay safe, they did (they are now adults)

Right, no sleepovers here. New rule. 😂

I think you are certainly within your rights to say this but make sure it's known beforehand - if they are such snowflakes they can't be without their phones calling home for 8 hours god help their futures. Tell them where the landline is and to write down any emergency numbers they might need

Statements like this irritate me beyond belief. My child is not a snowflake. She is seriously ill. And as for her future, from what I can tell atm she doesn't have one because her illness rules her life. Her attendance is 26%, so she's not gonna pass her GCSEs later this year. She's already having panic attacks about college, so she's not gonna be doing that either. She's incapable of holding down a job unless such a job exists that would allow her to call in sick hours after not turning up because she felt suicidal/was unable to face getting out of bed.

Hopefully, in the future a mixture of medication and counselling will help her lead a normal life but atm I am expecting her to be reliant on me for the considerable future. As she's under 16 her GP is unwilling to prescribe stronger antidepressants or even consider antipsychotics. She turns 16 in a few weeks and is able to access new avenues of help. I'm despondent but hopeful.

I would be fine with being forewarned that her phone would be taken and she would opt herself not to attend but it doesn't sound like OP did forewarn the children or the parents (or why the four hour fight?).

I must be lucky,my DD and her friends all respected anyone's home rules.
She was 15 the last one we had at home and those using their phones were told to put them away as they were boring.I didn't have to collect that night.
My DD get social anxiety but not with her friends or at friends houses,she started sleep overs at 5,no phone,no problems.

I think it odd that some posters list off the endless bad stuff kids can be doing on their phone, but think this only happens after midnight.

Why on earth should a parent care that kids talk about them? Kids will talk about you for a multitude of reasons.

How the hell can you parent at all if you're considering what some other random DCs will say about you? That feeds directly into all the children who say 'everyone else's parents lets them do/watch [insert something hugely inappropriate here]'

It's funny seeing so many posters being appalled at the OP taking phones. It's not that long since there was a spate of threads on here about DCs getting together at parties/sleepovers and sending inappropriate texts and messages to teachers. All the angst about trying to fix that afterwards rather than putting in the effort to ensure they don't have the opportunity to do it in the first place.

Yes you are right - or leave - although if it’s the middle of the night and no-one is willing or able to transport the 13 or 15 year old this is a problem.

The issue here is that a rule was enforced; without prior warning to 2 young people, late at night when practically there was little they could do about it, and against their express wishes. This was, in my view, entirely wrong. Whatever the competing merits of the principle. Which I acknowledged could be argued either way.

I think it odd that some posters list off the endless bad stuff kids can be doing on their phone, but think this only happens after midnight

It’s not about the time, obviously. It’s about all the adults being asleep and therefore unlikely to pop in occasionally.

You are right, it happens all the time. The relaxed attitude parents have to their children and phones always astounds me. Year 4s and 5s with smart phones, on what's app and other social media sites. Parents see phones as a way to protect their kids.....to me they make children a lot more vulnerable.

Ps whatever they could access at 4am, they could access at 4pm unless you are monitoring every click. Phones off for your own teens is about good sleep patterns, totally different to a sleepover where sleep is unlikely

Why on earth should a parent care that kids talk about them?

Maybe the adults won't care but I bet their children will care when they are laughing stocks at school.

Yes you are right - or leave - although if it’s the middle of the night and no-one is willing or able to transport the 13 or 15 year old this is a problem.

Willing or able? Please don’t talk about 13 year olds as if they are adults if you aren’t willing to concede that a) they aren’t b) if someone else wants to insist on upholding their child’s right to do their own thing, they’re also going to have to either be okay with their child making their own way home after having been thrown out of my house, or they will have to come and get them.

Being treated as an adult has consequences.

Having said that, the 'phones charging downstairs' rule is standard for everyday parenting where I am.

That isn't the issue, & I wouldn't mind if one of my dc were invited to leave their phone charging with the host family's. So long as they were, say, in the hall & could be accessed if needed.

I'd also discourage/prohibit phone use after midnight - offline gaming in a console or watching a DVD would be ok. If phones hadn't previously been a problem with a particular group, I'd not even think to implement the downstairs rule on a sleepover - if they had been an issue I'd discuss with parents of visitors that this would be the rule.

But phones in the host parent's bedroom? Nope, that's definitely a bit extra...

Bonkers

Why on earth should a parent care that kids talk about them? Kids will talk about you for a multitude of reasons.

The impact it might have on OPDC, I would have thought that were obvious.

did you tell the teens and/or their parents that you planned to take away their phones? If they were not aware thiz was the deal deforehand, then you have massively massively overstepped the line especially with the 15 year old. Your reasons for removing them from your own children is one thing but other people's is a whole different kettle of fish!

I remember (as a teacher) having two students who were in the verge of assaulting me when I confiscated their phones. Really, they’re a bit of a disaster all round.

My 14 year old is having a sleepover tonight. All in the same bedroom and it’s boys and girls. They all have their phones and will do all night.

Please call social services 🙄

You have no right to police other kid's internet and phone use.

When they’re under your care you not only have a “right” you have a responsibility to ensure they and all the other kids in your care are safe. And that includes a responsibility to take reasonable care over the media they create or consume.