...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

I'm not a mum of teens - is the assumption that teenage boys are not watching porn on their phones at sleepovers?

If they'd been around when we were teens I'd be very surprised if my brother wasn't sharing around 'hilarious' porn for the lols. Or does everyone have trusty parental controls on their phones, or do we assume teen boys aren't interested in porn?

(I assume I'm completely on the wrong track as no-one's mentioned this afaict, but it would have been my assumption!)

As an interested observer can I ask what these many anxious teenagers would have done before mobile phones?

Not gone on sleepovers. Isolated themselves from fear of not being able to cope. Missed out on friendships rather than being able to try and come home if it didn't work out.

Well, you do, but you don’t decide when they can sleep in someone else’s house with it. You'd have to come and get them

And I would be happy to do so. As I said, DD has social anxiety, along with various other mental health conditions. These can often result in suicidal thoughts. I would go and collect her the minute I learned her phone had been taken.

She would never ask for her phone back. She would be more likely to wait until you'd gone to sleep to leave your house and make her own way home.

No wonder children are so anxious these days .They shouldn’t be separated from their phones for a few hours incase they need to call the parents without the host knowing. My Ds ( 11) did a whole week Scout camp and didn’t have contact for a week . Amazingly he survived

Good for you. My DD would never do that because she has a genuine illness. She last attended a school trip in year 5, during which she was allowed her phone. She can't even go away with her father.

Her anxiety was triggered by severe bullying, fwi, not access to the internet.

I don’t allow my DC to charge or have her phone in her room overnight but when she has friends around I don’t stick to that rule. As long as they don’t charge them while they are asleep, they can have them. Surely it’s not that hard to relax a rule?

I think it is over the top. I don’t leave my kids sleep with any technology in their bedrooms; however I do relax a bit on sleepovers as I can’t control other kids; you can tell them to please switch the mobiles off at midnight but you can not police kids all the time. They are lots of things they can do during the day too, that you can’t control. Talk to them about internet safety, etc. and hope they are sensible.

I’m afraid that parents who take phones off their DC at bedtime are often well meaning but naive.

They don’t need a phone to get on line. An old tablet, iPod or games console will do.

They don’t need a contract or your WiFi either. They use a neighbours.

DD’s school did an internet safety session about this. Primary school children in year 5 were using their neighbours WiFi. They visit their friends and obtain the code, then carry on using it once they go home.

OP you need to think this through again.

My Ds ( 11) did a whole week Scout camp and didn’t have contact for a week . Amazingly he survived

Don't use the fact that your son is happy and health against people. It's not nice.

Many people have posted their reasons for wanting their DC's to have their phones. These range from experiencing sexual assault to serious mental health problems.

Be more thoughtful.

Greta that your kid can do that, but your tone is unnecessary.

I assume my teen boys watch all kinds of porn

My brothers did, even before phones were around

It's part of growing up

I have parental controls etc but am sure they can find ways around it

OP, i tried to enforce your rules at DS sleepover age 12, two boys complied, one boy stuffed his phone down his underpants and said "what you gonna do now?" i said"nothing, you win"

I admire your bravery to fight this battle OP!

popehilarious my oldest boy is 12, and whilst obviously it's not impossible, they don't have complete privacy during the awake part of the sleepover during which they have their phones because they're in a non bedroom room and "anyone" (as in DH and I and 12 year old's siblings) might walk in. I always go in and out randomly providing food and drink so it's a deterrent to anything really awful. Phones in the living room and Xbox unplugged and timer put back on before they change in to pyjamas. After that I only go in after knocking if it's loud, so that's when the biggest opportunity for misuse of internet and cameras lies if they still have them.

Blimey MN has changed. Last one of these threads I read, almost everyone was advocating that the OP was correct to remove phones at night. None of this bleating about control. Midnight is hardly early for them to be putting them away for the night.

I also remove phones at night. I always say to the parents that we have a no phones in rooms rule. Not a single one has objected to date and no shortage of friends coming for sleepovers. They are all also told they can have them to phone home if they need to, again never been asked for.

What happens with younger ones who sleep over, before they even have a phone? How can they be robust enough to manage a whole night without instant access to phoning their parents yet suddenly when they have a phone they melt into puddles and have to have them at their side 24/7.

Contacting parents is not what they want the phones for, and precisely why they should not have them when others may be asleep in the same room.

YANBU OP. YOur house your rules.
This anxiety issue some PPs have raised, fgs, what did we do when we were young, there was no such thing as a mobile phone. You told your friend, they told their parent(s) and you used a land phone.
What’s the issue here.
Mobile phones aren’t actually phones first, they are computers (internet, snapchat, WhatsApp, YouTube) first.
If they need to call home, ask and then it can be done.
Stick to it OP

And I would be happy to do so. As I said, DD has social anxiety, along with various other mental health conditions. These can often result in suicidal thoughts. I would go and collect her the minute I learned her phone had been taken.

I wouldn’t insist on taking a child’s phone. Before the sleepover I would tell my child that this was the rule, then tell her friends’ parents and the bottom line would be: no worries, unfortunately that’s the rule here so [name] can’t come this time, but if I’m the future you don’t mind the rule then let me know.

stayingaliveisawayoflife after my experience stated above, I never went to another sleepover.

I think it's fine to remove the phones overnight and would find that preferable.

GooseFeather

Yes, it’s bollocks, isn’t it? The outrage is more about the thing being taken than it is about the thing being needed. But in my view, don’t send your child to sleep in my home if you are not happy with me being in charge. Nobody else is in charge so 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead I wouldn't have that 12 year old in my house, with my other children.

@popehilarious sadly porn isn’t “hilarious” these days, it’s mostly, to young, new and show off kids, degrading, disturbing and vile.

OP, i tried to enforce your rules at DS sleepover age 12, two boys complied, one boy stuffed his phone down his underpants and said "what you gonna do now?" i said"nothing, you win"

You had this little scrote in your house overnight?

What happens with younger ones who sleep over, before they even have a phone? How can they be robust enough to manage a whole night without instant access to phoning their parents yet suddenly when they have a phone they melt into puddles and have to have them at their side 24/7

IME, if they have mental illness they don't attend sleepovers until they have a way to discretely call a trusted adult for help, if at all. When DD's phone broke she spent a week locked in her bedroom refusing to leave the house in case she had a panic attack and couldn't reach me.

My dd who is 13 is never allowed her phone in her room overnight but when it's a sleepover I let her and all her friends keep their phones. It's just a one off and a bit of fun as far as I'm concerned.

I’m the DSLO at a high school.

I have dealt with a number of safeguarding issues arising from teens being allowed access to phones overnight- obviously things can happen earlier but the danger is heightened when all adults in the house are asleep and unlikely to pop into the bedroom.

They include:

Teens watching porn
Teens photographing peers and those photos being circulated, leading to bullying.
Teens chatting to unknown people on SM - and in one case arranging to meet them the next day, egged on by friends.
Teens watching really disturbing content - and not wanting to admit they were scared.
Teens egging each other on to send abusive/ suggestive messages to peers.
The list is endless.

I think you’re sensible, OP.

I would have found this hugely stressful. I remember before mobiles calling my dad sobbing from my friend's parents' landline in their Spanish apartment as I was so homesick. God knows what it cost. I wouldn't go anywhere as an adult without my phone handy, let alone if I was a teen. YABU.

Those that consider that I am being unreasonable - can I ask on what grounds?

I think it’s unreasonable:
1, it’s not your property and I don’t think you’ve the right to confiscate it without at least their own parents permission.
2, they may wish to call home and not want to notify you that they are doing so.
3, they’ve presumably had them up until 12/12:30 so have probably been looking at and watching what ever they felt like up until then, so I think it’s a bit pointless.

But then I don’t understand the logic in your idea for your own children, I honestly think it’s rather pointless. But if you insist on doing it for visiting children I really recommend you ask their parents permission beforehand. I honestly wouldn’t let my teen child stay at someone’s house who requested their phone removing.

I think you are certainly within your rights to say this but make sure it's known beforehand - if they are such snowflakes they can't be without their phones calling home for 8 hours god help their futures. Tell them where the landline is and to write down any emergency numbers they might need.

I'd find it weird & controlling, as would my dc. They use their phones appropriately on sleepovers - they've grown up having them & are perfectly sensible. They'd also be quite willing to respect a house rule about not using phones after midnight on a sleepover if that's how you & your family roll.

However, if they liked your dc & wanted to carry on sleeping over, they'd cheerfully hand over a phone. We have a couple of fairly prehistoric ones kept in a bag on the back of my bedroom door, with PAYG sims, that are used for stuff like mucky camping trips or if one of the dc has broken/lost theirs & hasn't replaced it yet.

I'm pretty sure that any of my dc would have the nous, on the second invite, to quietly switch their own phone off, keep it in their bag for emergencies only, & hand you one of our Jurassic Special phones with a smile.