...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

I wouldn't allow my oldest to go to a sleepover where this was a rule and she wouldn't agree to go if she knew in advance the rule was in place. She has social anxiety. Sleepovers often seem like a good idea to her before she gets there and I encourage her to attend them but once she is there she usually gets overwhelmed by the noise and number of people and needs to come home. The idea of asking you for her phone back would push her over the edge.

For my youngest I would allow it but would think you were a bit strange and overstepping boundaries. I decide when my child has possession of their phone.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable. If they are staying at yours they have to abide by your rules. You have said they can call their parents if they need to so the only thing you are stopping them doing in going online in the middle of the night when they should be asleep.

It's their property, it's not your right to take it. I wouldn't want to stay again if I was them. I would never dream of taking one of DS's friends phones when they stay the night. What if it's their comfort blanket to be in touch with their parents? Who would dare wake you up if everyone was asleep cos they wanted their mum?

Ah I see Agnes bit far or I might have considered joining you ;)

Not rtft but fuck me stop embarrassing your poor kids they are 13 and 15! As long as they weren't keeping me awake I wouldn't give two shits. You are honestly controlling and ott.
Also you don't let your kids have those phones in the room overnight? Do they not listen to you when you tell them to turn them off? Strange

Nobody is suggesting TAKING or CONFISCATING other people's property, it's not that dramatic. The teenagers are just being asked to put their phones in a different room. Very sensible.

And as for that cunt who destroyed other children's CDs, if anyone did that to my kid's property I would call the police and report her for theft and criminal damage. OK it probably wouldn't go to court, but hopefully they would go round and either have a word or actually arrest her.

Relying on a mobile phone for protection almost certainly provides a false sense of security. To be blunt, sadly, a mobile phone isn't going to stop a teen from being abused by another teen sleepover guest or brother/ cousin or adult, it's just going to make it more likely that the abuse is filmed and shared or used to blackmail them with. This is obviously depressing, but mobile phones don't protect against abuse.

A slight aside to the whole access the phone thread but

YBVVVVVVU to leave unattended phones on charge over night. They are a huge fire hazard. Even if the phone is not connected but the switch is down it still draws a charge. Please don’t ever do that again.

Ok as you were.

Fucking hell...kids should be able to manage without their phones few a few hours overnight. So many snowflake parents on here.

I would be absolutely furious if you took my child's phone and wouldn't let them have it back. Then had them up till 4.30 in the morning arguing with them about it.
Did you tell the parents you were going to do this before the children came?

I am always annoyed with my DD if she forgets her phone or doesn't charge it. She has form for that, and we have missed important messages from each other as a result.

My DD is a recovering anorexic who has suffered with clinical depression and anxiety issues. She is 17 and we have struggled with these issues for most of her teenage years although medication is controlling it much better now. Even her school would allow her to contact me in an emergency, and to use the clinic emergency 24 hour number which was stored on her phone when needed. I would have been furious if someone like you had gone blundering in there with an arbitrary rule and confiscated her phone when she was away from me.

Your rule is far too absolute. Also, you are confiscating property that isn't yours to confiscate. The phones belong to these teenagers, or probably more accurately to their mother or father if it is a contract phone and the parents are paying the bills. I pay my children's phone bills for a reason - so that we can contact each other if there is a reason. I would expect other parents to respect that, not take the phone away.

Yes, you are being that embarrassing parent. You are convinced you are right though, so you will crack on regardless.

Turning WiFi off will make zero difference. Phones come with data packages if you are in an area of reasonable mobile signal. Very naive to think otherwise.

No wonder children are so anxious these days .They shouldn’t be separated from their phones for a few hours incase they need to call the parents without the host knowing .

My Ds ( 11) did a whole week Scout camp and didn’t have contact for a week . Amazingly he survived .

Children do need down time from devices.

I a more suprised you discussed it for 4 hours . My response would of been you can have your phone to call parents to collect you.

but they are CHILDREN! Im with the OP

I was just at the cheek of them, arguing with you in your home. I would have called their parents right away and told them to come and get them. Outrageous.

And as for that cunt who destroyed other children's CDs, if anyone did that to my kid's property I would call the police and report her for theft and criminal damage but hopefully they would go round and either have a word or actually arrest her

Oh my god You sound slightly unhinged. I can just imagine the phone call

It seems completely reasonable to me. I am very uncomfortable with what teens get up to once they know the parents are asleep - that’s when their worst behaviour happens, and phones mean they literally have the entire human world (and all the bad that entails) in their hands.

I get that some kids might be upset during the night but it’s not going to kill them! Where is the resilience of kids nowadays? It’s OK to go through stress, it doesn’t kill you. Missing mum and dad is not the end of the world.

I decide when my child has possession of their phone.

Well, you do, but you don’t decide when they can sleep in someone else’s house with it. You'd have to come and get them.

Missing mum and dad is not the end of the world.

And they’re 13 and 15, not 5.

@drizzzle
Well, no, because a child using a unicycle, unlike a phone, would probably keep me and other family members not involved in the sleepover, awake all night.
Also a unicycle, unlike a phone, could, if used unsupervised, cause serious physical damage to my home.
Also a unicycle cannot be used as assistance in an emergency situation.

To save you trying to think of another utterly fatuous example, if your child brought a nintendo DS, or some high-sugar haribos, or an aged 15 dvd when they are only 13, or another example of something I wouldn't think was ideal for children to have all night but which wans't illegal and would have no extreme adverse effects to themselves, other children, or my house for a sleepover then yes, I would of course let them keep them.

You are right, by the way, according to the Cambridge Dictionary OP can't confiscate the children's phones, but only because she doesn't have the right to do so:

confiscate: to take a possession away from someone when you have the right to do so, usually as a punishment and often for a limited period, after which it is returned to the owner

So if OP doesn't have the authority to be 'confiscating' does that mean she is technically stealing?

Theendofmyrope nobody is saying kids can't manage? I 'could' manage to go 12 hours without eating but if there is food available for me and it will make my day more pleasant to eat, why wouldn't I?

@aliensprig Yes I have been a teenager. I described an incident upthread where, as a teenager, a mobile phone was of direct benefit to me at a sleepover. Whodoyoutrust gave a similar example where a mobile phone would have helped her.

re: 'no 13 year old actually "owns" anything in their possession, their parents do.' As an adult, if you buy something out of your own savings, does it belong to your parents? What if someone gives something to you as a gift? Why does this arbitrary (and entirely legally incorrect) definition of 'possession' and 'ownership' change? Aged 16? 18? 21?

It is theft and criminal damage, to take someone else's property and destroy it. And cunts like her need the shock of being reported to the police to stop them doing the same or worse. Particularly as it sounds like she did it to several people.

If they turn off their phones when you have them. What if a parent was trying to contact their child.

As an interested observer can I ask what these many anxious teenagers would have done before mobile phones? I know sleepovers were not as popular in days gone by but we did manage to survive the night without phoning home. I can just imagine my mums response if I had phoned her from a friends house asking to come home!

So if they took your car keys away and made you ask for access. That wouldn’t bother you?

Or if someone took your house keys and made you ask for your own keys back. That wouldn’t bother you?

Or if they took your money away? But gave you access?

I agree with no phones. However I do not agree that you took their propert off then. I’d be furious as a mother.