...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

I think this is quite a sensible rule and I’d be quite pleased if it were enforced at sleepovers my kids go to. I am far more worried about inappropriate images of them getting onto the internet than I am of them being unable to call me on a whim in the early hours of the morning.

tell the parents beforehand by either email/text or note on invitation

MREX no not me Don't have any DC that old......

To those speaking about special situations of anxiety, health issues etc. I am fortunate that those circumstances have not arisen in my DCs cases but I would say that I would expect as the parent entrusted to act in loco parentis in those situations that I should have been informed in advance of the possibility and the phones issue could have been sorted then.....

I really don't know why so many people are assuming that I don't have all the kids best interests at heart in making this decision....in fact the numbers assuming it's a power trip on my part are very surprising...but then again this is AIBU!

Gotta go and sort tea! Thanks for the insights and to those who made considered points

& having a phone is not a human rights issue nor is its rationing child abuse or neglect - children together can do things that a child by themselves will not - ie they could egg on each other to do something online etc that WOULD endanger themselves - they are not yet adults

I would not be happy if you took my child's phone. It is not your place to make those kind of decisions. I have taught them to send me a discreet text if they feel uncomfortable on a sleepover so I get them out of the situation. The Internet is not the only unpleasant thing that can go on at sleepovers and you have just removed their escape. You may think they know you well and would wake you in the night but that is not usual. It is nor likely that a teen who is being picked on will go and tell the supervising parents. The one time I had to rescue ds1 from a sleepover it was the parents who were making him feel uncomfortable. By removing phones you make them vulnerable. Yes years ago you would just have to suck it up and be miserable.

It really doesn't matter whether you had a phone growing up because phones today are not the same thing as they were then

But you can stil buy magazines, read books and watch films on TV/Netflix etc. They can still talk to each other! It's not that different. I would not want my early teens accessing the internet after midnight sleepover or not sleepover. This is the time when packs of kids who are usually very nice get together can sometimes troll others or put themselves in unpleasant situations in error.

We should be teaching our children that life does not revolve around a smart phone or we will end up never actually getting conversations out of them, let along future generations..

You are absolutely right. It's the general sleepover rule around here. I do it. All other parents do it. It's sensible, as it's the only way to ensure anyone gets a bit if sleep and they don't end up doing something really daft/potentially illegal.
I went to many sleepovers as a kid without my own phone (as no one had mobiles). If kids aren't capable of being without their phone to contact their parents at any given time they aren't ready to have a sleepover.

Not really sure what you posted for, since you seem quite convinced that YANBU. Enjoy your tea...

@dubmumof2

I think it’s kind of sensible in theory BUT...my 8 year old went for his first sleep over recently. We had a chat about it beforehand and made it clear that we would pick him up anytime he wanted be it 3am or whatever. We spoke to the parents and said, please call us if he wants to come home no matter what time. It was really important to us that he knew we’d come whenever, for whatever reason. We know him and knew he’d be most relaxed if he knew he had a get out.

Then after ensuring the parents understood this, and giving them our mobiles and home number...what happened? They sent a bloody Facebook message at 1am saying he wanted to be collected. Which we didn’t see until the next morning. When we did get him, he was so disappointed that we hadn’t been true to what we’d said.

TL:DR Other parents do stupid and unpredictable stuff and I’d want my DC to have their own phone all night.

drizzle - no, I haven't accepted your 'point' because it makes no sense and is ridiculous. Phones are not damaging in the same way as gin.

agnesgrundy - under 11 I (and I assume my dc will be in similar position) didn't have many sleepovers -when I did they were with people whose families I (and my parents) knew well, and who lived very close by, due to my friends all going to the same village school.
When I went to secondary often I had never met the friends' parents before I arrived for the sleepover. In some cases I had only known the friends themselves for a few months. The friends' homes were often quite far away from mine due to wide school intake. My parents would have never met the other parents, and, unless they dropped me off directly, wouldn't have know the address or any contact details. Their only method for contacting me would be via my phone. So yes, I would expect older children to need access to phones more than younger ones.

Have you considered that although well intentioned you are compromising a key life lesson for growing teens - they have a right to say no to something that makes them feel uncomfortable? I have 4 DDs ranging form 15 - 22 so phones of theirs and others have been a big feature of our family lives. I also teach PHSE as part of my pastoral teaching remit. Saying no and not feeling bad is hugely important. You are teaching them that you as an adult have the right to veto their capacity to say no.

For teens their phones are often their most valuable and treasured possession. As a different generation we don't get it . Look up digital natives- their virtual existence is of huge importance to them. Imagine being told to hand over your engagement ring for example.

Ok, how about a very very silly,( legal, ) example to illustrate the point that the host parents are allowed to set some rules about what can be used in their house. If my child brought their unicycle round could they use it in your house all night?

YADBU. I think you are doing the right thing OP. The egging on behaviour is precisely the problem. They're just kids so need protecting from themselves. This is just good parenting. Especially aged only 13.

I should say with my rule the phones are in the kitchen and the kids can come down and use their phone to call their Mum or whatever. They're just not allowed them in the bedrooms or around others who are sleeping

There's been an issue at the high school with unfunny pranks during sleepovers and inappropriate snap-chatting so it's not a risk I'm prepared to take in my house. Luckily my DDs currently enjoy the fact they can play the "My Mum is a pure dragon" card with regards to phones at night. The couple of friends who stay most often are the same so it works out well

onceandneveragain your explanation makes sense.

All the kids here would use the landline anyway if past parent' bedtime, because a message might not walke their parents, and there's no mobile reception for calls. We have 3 cordless landline phones all on different floors, and they'd call their parents' landlines.

I think my view on this is strongly influenced by where I live, where mobile reception is patchy and the strongly connected fact I don't know anyone without a landline.

OP - you mentioned 'special situations of anxiety, health issues etc that I should have been informed in advance of the possibility and the phones issue could have been sorted then...." how does that work with any of the examples I gave in my pp? You expect a parent to ring you up and say "BTW I'm feeling a bit psychic today and get the feeling my child may get a stomach upset or their period today so I might need a way to come and pick them up without the other kids knowing."

What if they didn't want to confide any of their childs PRIVATE information to you?

How about if they rang up and said "Thanks for having x tonight but I've just realised you're a complete stranger, and you, or your partner, or your older child might abuse my child sexually so can my child keep their phone just in case?" you would think they were mad!

Also if they were new friends who didn't know about your phone confiscation policy their parents wouldn't know to ring up anyway!

Also how would you justify not taking that one child's phone off them 'Sorry kids, Bob gets to keep his phone because his mum's rung me and said he wets himself at night. Oh sorry Bob was that supposed to be a secret?'

If mine go to sleepovers I always say to them make sure you've got your phone on you and ring me if you're uncomfortable or something doesn't feel right.
I don't think confiscating them is right but your house your rules. I wouldn't feel comfortable if my children were in your house.

You are missing the most important point, OP, which is that your attitude is harmful to your DC and their friends, probably more harmful than them looking at a bit of smut on their phone. You are teaching them that an adult can override their wishes and forcibly confiscate their belongings, and that any objection on their part is 'disrespectful.'

You might insist, or believe that you (and the rest of your family are harmless/.virtuous people) and it may well be relatively true but teenagers on a sleepover at a house they have not visited before are potentially vulnerable, and an adult with bad intentions (perhaps the H is a predator and has convinced his wife that it's appropriate to cut off all communication for visiting DC ) could effectively trap teenagers once stupid parents have convinced them that phones are 'bad' and that adults must always be obeyed.

Sounds great Agnes where do you live?

What’s with the constant ? Did you grin at the kids like that too when you happily took away their phones - I can imagine you did tbh - creepy much??

The fact that mobile phones have cameras and photos can be directly uploaded to social media is my primary reason for not wanting my teens to be present at sleepovers where other teens will have mobile phones in their hands while my child is asleep.

The secondary reason is the trolling/ pranking of children not at the sleepover, and the third the chance someone will introduce vicious porn or violet videos once they are sure the adults are asleep.

Yes, things can happen at any time, but the risk goes up when the teens are sure no adult will disturb them, they're overtired and as others have said things that they'd never do without peer pressure and sleep deprivation seem a good/ funny idea.

I'm glad all the parents around here expect phones to be left in the kitchen or living room.

Have any of you actually been teenagers? They don't text their parents at stupid times in the morning, they look at things they shouldn't online. Which is exactly what I was doing with my friends during sleepovers at that age, only on insanely slow dial-up internet on an ancient pc. Some of you are so naive it's ridiculous.

The way our parents got round that (if they were wise to it...) was to confiscate the router overnight. I wouldn't say that was a breach of our human rights, just decent parenting.

Also no 13 year old actually "owns" anything in their possession, their parents do.

Have you posted this before? I have definitely read this thread before.

Drizzzle rural southern Germany...

Your house your rules seems to be your thinking op. So what happens if your children go on sleepovers - can they keep their phones on them if that's the house rule where they are staying is their house their rules?