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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:

BarrenFieldofFucks · 09/11/2019 14:31

One could argue that he has the less precarious career, and that that security on itself ought to reassure you. Reframe your thinking so that you see his job as safe, and earning well. Work on getting your outgoings down to a level that his income would safely cover (without overpaying mortgage etc) and then save towards a masters etc.

You discuss anxiety towards the precarious nature of the private sector, then want to push him towards it. Appreciate the security that his choices bring. They're equally valid, just different.

Chloemol · 09/11/2019 14:34

Yes. You sound awful. Not everyone is the same, not everyone wants a career like you do, not everyone is ambitious as you. Why do you need to stop working to do a masters? Lots of people do them whilst working.
, you could even work part time?

Give the man a break, or you may just find yourself in your own

Coolwinter · 09/11/2019 14:36

Why not tell him that one of the reasons you earn more is to have options like that. And that you will be saving part of your money for those options.

You could live more at his level or he could contribute more like he main carer for kids.

LaBelleSauvage · 09/11/2019 14:37

When you get divorced, what are you going to put on your dating app profile? 'Must earn £75k with 5 and 10 years goals of £125k'?

It's not a quality I'd look for. It's vacuous. You have a successful husband who has a permanent lecturing job (gold dust in the academic world). What if your new man wants to take a career break? Will you leave him too if the boiler breaks?

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 14:39

Just to clarify to everyone that thinks his job is more secure- it's not. He's not permanent. He's on a long term contract.

OP posts:

LaBelleSauvage · 09/11/2019 14:41

I can't believe you are basing this human's worth on his salary.

Can you not see how awful that is?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/11/2019 14:43

Flip it op - imagine if you leave your DH over this and find another greedy financially driven man and you are the lower earner. Maybe he'll have this attitude towards you or dismissing your contribution and demanding that you change your job to one that matches his idea of a suitably high wage.

I feel very sorry for your husband.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 14:44

I'm not basing his self worth on his salary. He's a great person and he is very supportive of me. I do wonder though whether that ultimately makes up for the difference in what we want in life

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 09/11/2019 14:46

OP - I am the higher earner in my relationship by over £20K pa.

I have contributed £50K to an extension from other funds I had received whilst DH contributed £30K.

I love my DH and acknowledge that he lacks confidence in his own abilities and would not want to manage people which is the next step to increase his earning power.

I would rather have a mentally healthy husband earning less than me than have a huge joint income with increased excess income and a stressed, sad DH and unhappy family.

Money does not buy you happiness - it just makes life easier.

Out of interest do you do what we do in the household? I earn 60% of our total income so I pay 60% of the outgoings. That way we each have a propotionate amount left over to treat each other.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 09/11/2019 14:46

What you want from life seems to be very superficial, why is that?

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 14:46

I'm not basing his self worth on his salary. He's a great person and he is very supportive of me.

Great.

I do wonder though whether that ultimately makes up for the difference in what we want in life

Ah, I see. Not his self-worth, his value to you.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 14:49

@Tistheseason17
We put all our income into a joint account and spend and save from there.

Of course I wouldn't want my husband to be unhappy but I do feel he is under-appreciated where he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 14:51

@BarrenFieldofFucks not to be flippant but this is the sort of question that is a bit like 'why do you like pink?'.

It is how I am. I can't change what I value anymore than someone can change whether they like pink over blue.

OP posts:

Hefzi · 09/11/2019 14:53

Right, well in that case, his chances of getting back into academia if he leaves are essentially nil. This really has to be his choice, OP, not yours, or a joint one, as a result. He maybe ready to give up on academia, which is fine. But if he isn't, and you chip away at him until he does... This won't necessarily end well for both of you.

Bluerussian · 09/11/2019 14:53

MoonlightBonnet, I have taken on board that you are by nature anxiety prone and I agree that is a contributory factor but you really are worrying about situations which may not happen or be nearly as difficult as you contemplate. Anxiety spoils enjoyment of life.

Please do seek some professional advice about your anxiety.

Regarding you wanting a comfortable life if and when you have children, I don't blame you for one minute, I wish I had had such strong priorities when I was child bearing. A bit of forward planning on my part would have helped. That's hindsight though, life was good a lot of the time and all that is history now.

I don't know if it will all end in divorce - which you mentioned - but you do need to find out if you are unhappy with your relationship. Counselling would definitely help you work out that conundrum.

Personally I hope you stay together, happily.

GCAcademic · 09/11/2019 14:54

He says he wants to stay in academia but also talks about how difficult it is to go up to prof and he's not sure. I would like him to try the private sector as he might like it but he doesn't seem to really want to. If he did and he hated it, then of course I wouldn't push him to continue

How very generous of you. Of course, if he hated working in the private sector, it's not like it would be at all easy to go back into academia anyway. Jobs are like gold dust. Still, at least while he was stuck in a job he hates, you'd be happy that his salary could pay for your Masters degree.

Josette77 · 09/11/2019 14:54

You financial issue is you spend too much for your comfort level. You biggest issue is you don't want kids and he does.

Aozora13 · 09/11/2019 14:57

OK I’m really confused! When you say “The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills” it sounds like you’re expecting him to pay for both of you. But in my world pretty much every family is reliant on 2 incomes and it seems fairly unreasonable to expect him to earn enough to pay for both of you. Especially as you pitch yourself as an independent career woman - can’t you start saving if you want a career break like other people have to? Or have I misunderstood?

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 14:57

All you talk about is how you view his career and earning potential. What does he think and feel? Or does that not matter?

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:01

@CosmoK part of the issue is that I don't know what he feels or wants. He is a bit of a closed book- I have spoken to him after this thread and said that it feels as though we want different things in life. I was clear on what I want- both in terms of career and other personal aspects.

He is saying he agrees with me but I feel that he says this to make me happy. Ultimately I hope we will manage to work this out but I don't think he will ever change.

OP posts:

Vanhi · 09/11/2019 15:02

I'd see where he is after the REF 2021. He may be locked into a contract until then and be booted out afterwards. Academia is cut throat and unpleasant and whilst flexible to a degree, it does not offer the security of some public sector jobs.

And I agree with pp - he can't just check out the private sector to see how it is. Once he's out of academia he's out. There will be enough younger, cheaper and more recent PhDs following him and ready to take his place.

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 15:02

Why should he change though?

TwoRedShoes · 09/11/2019 15:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Teachermaths · 09/11/2019 15:05

Why should he change?

You married him knowing him. If you hadn't had these conversations beforehand then you are naive. He deserves to know if you don't want children. At least let him have a chance of a happy life.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:05

@Bluerussian thank you, you seem to be a lovely person.

OP posts:

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