Am I being unfair on my husband?

[Crowtakingabath]

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

The only compromise here is that you deal with your anxiety.

That.

@Anotherlongdrive

I'd imagine to "prove" to us that if OP lost her job then his wage would be inadequate and he needs to earn more.

What confuses me is why anyone so money anxious and a high earner would take out a mortgage of nearly £1400 a month. I'm aware it's in the south but it seems excessively high when there's two supposedly high earners in the household and someone who is panicking about bills.

Starting a business is very high risk and extremely time-consuming. The chance of your husband being succesful at such a venture are low, especially if he is not interested. Careers that pay a lot of money, such as finance, usually hire young people from top universities, work them very long hours, then get rid of all but a few of them in their fifties. Meanwhile, many people who work in academics tend to coast along to their tenured retirements beautifully. (If they are situated properly).

I'd imagine to "prove" to us that if OP lost her job then his wage would be inadequate and he needs to earn more.

But they also save alot. So that isn't accurate. That's what savings and redundancy pay is for.

And the mortgage is high because they significantly over pay it.

It's a choice.

My husband is an academic. When we had kids he was low down on the salary scale, and we couldn't live just on his income because the interest rates on mortgages kept going up. So I had to take any job I could find to fit round the children, which I found knackering, while he continued to climb the career ladder he'd set out on. His salary was our stable income which kept the mortgage going, but 'extras' like holidays had to come from my earnings, such as they were.

He is now a lot higher on the salary scale and has managed to support both kids through higher education. We have paid off the mortgage, and for the first time ever we feel financially comfortable.

It's a long financial game being in a couple, if your DH has a real sense of calling to the academic life, it's unlikely he's going to be able to swap to a high-powered, corporate job. But eventually it will pay off for him financially. It's up to you whether you continue earning the big bucks, or cut down expenditure to make room for something new in your life.

OP I realise that you may be coming across a certain way on this thread because of the topic, and that it may not reflect how you really feel about your husband. However, it does sound as if you chose him more as a life accessory than as a partner.

It just comes across as 'Help. I purchased Academic Model 2.0. I expected it to have upgraded automatically to Academic 3.4 by now but it appears to be stuck on 2.3, despite repeated reboots. Has anybody encountered this before? Is an upgrade possible? I need it to reach at least Academic 4.0 so that I can transform it into CEO 125kpa (tagline "and that's just the bonuses folks!")'.

The trouble is, academics don't really do this. It's exhausting getting to 2.0 and the place is littered with discarded PhDs who didn't even get that far. You may have to accept him how he is and rethink your financial goals.

Yes.

You cannot buy peace of mind.

Most or the wealthy people I know are unhappy but wealthy.

I would choose him over you.

We are in a similar position that partner has limited earning potential and more outgoings than I do.
we contribute the same to mortgage and bills but I cover all the other main bits such as childcare of if we want work doing to the house etc.
I can put my hand on my heart and say it doesn’t bother me - would it be amazing if he earnt double? Of course. But that’s not going to happen.
He is an amazing partner, has a very strong work ethic and is determined for our relationship and home life to be as balanced as it can be, even though that means he doesn’t have any disposable income himself.
If your partner is supportive and brilliant in most other ways then imo it’s worth you shouldering that little extra financial burden. It’s a partnership and you find balance where it’s most suited at the time. Things could change, but if they don’t then you will simply have to plan to finance yourself through a year off or part time course etc.

Meanwhile, many people who work in academics tend to coast along to their tenured retirements beautifully. (If they are situated properly).

25 years ago maybe. I don't know anyone in UK academia who coasts along now. I know many who are stressed, anxious, over worked and under valued.

This sort of thing annoys the hell out of me, if genders were reversed it would be 'all money is family money' etc etc

Really? Seems to me that this is exactly what most posters are saying - its no different if the sexes were reversed. Couples tend to live in line with their joint income not align to the lower income.

There is however one real, material difference where the woman in a mixed couple is the higher earner. If you have children it creates a bunch of pressures and financial issues which don't exist where the income split is dominated by the man's income.

I am the higher earner in my case. We share mortgage and household bills equally but I cover childcare costs. It doesn’t really bother me at all. I earn more so I cover those little extra things. Not everything has to be equal.

vanhi that's really not how academia works these days.
There's no room for coasting

How will you feel when you divorce him because is isn’t as financially motivated as you. You end up rich, in a big house, no kids, no husband.

Do you think that option will make you happier?

On reading some of your updates I find it telling that you seem to have chosen your partner on his earning potential, and are disappointed that this hasn't worked out as you expected. Not a mention of any other qualities, kindness, etc. It doesn't sound like a marriage, more a corporate merger. Very sad.

. I want to be very comfortable even if we did have children.
The fact that you place this above wanting children with your partner speaks volumes. I don't think you have a future with your husband. But you would do well to remember money doesn't buy happiness. Would you be happy with someone who earns the same as you but is out if the house 14 hours a day leaving you to do all the house and childcare tasks

Sorry vanhi I meant to say I agreed with you ..... academia isn't the the job for you if you want to coast

Love all the positive-sounding euphemisms for "greedy" the OP is applying to herself in her posts

You love money. He doesn't. Divorce him and find someone as shallow (sorry, "financially ambitious") as yourself to share your life with. Problem solved.

@sweeneytoddsrazor why? Not everyone has having children at top of their list of priorities and what's wrong with that?

I happen to be ambivalent about children. I don't seem them as a necessary part of my future life. Does this mean I don't love my husband?

You don't sound like you love him at all. My DH is so proud of my career even though I earn significantly less than him. I would be gutted if he talked about my career the way you're taking about your DH's.

If your husband is in his 30s and on that sort of salary, it sounds as though he's a postdoc and not yet permanent, or is perhaps goes from 3-5 year contract to 3_5 year contract? (Assuming, as you want him to be in the private sector, he's STEM)

If so, he cannot just try out the corporate world: he'll be closing the door on an academic career in his current field. He might not be ready to do that, as it seems based on your whim and not his.

If he's currently a lecturer on a research/teaching contract, he's already won the academic lottery - and though he could go into industry, there's no guarantee he could return if it didn't work out, unless he had some fabulous type of IP as a result of his research in the private sector.

The people I know of who've made a success of industry are mainly those with incredible IP already, or those who didn't win the first/second/third postdoc lottery and had no other option. It's a different set of skills than those required to be a successful academic, in the main.

Success for you is obviously very definitely financial, whereas for him, it's more nuanced. I'm pretty astonished you don't, given your priorities, already have appropriate insurances in place, but you should get on to this as it's clearly worrying you. And maybe choose someone in sales for your next husband - I think you'd be more compatible in terms of what success looks like.

@Crowtakingabath It's not about wanting children, it's about your plans being compatible. What if he wants them and you don't?

Did you talk about anything before you got married or has someone changed their mind since?

I would like him to try the private sector as he might like it but he doesn't seem to really want to. If he did and he hated it, then of course I wouldn't push him to continue

So you know it's not what he wants but you want him to do it anyway because, let's be honest, it means more money. Not because you think "he might like it". It's all very well saying you wouldn't push him to continue if he hated it (very big of you, by the way) but you must realise it's not that simple? If he gives up a permanent position in academia there's not guarantee he's going to get another one. By caving into pressure from you he could well end up trapped in the private sector and hating it, which might satisfy your desire for more money but wouldn't do your marriage any favours.

I don't know many couples who have the security of being able to pay the mortgage if one of them loses their job, especially not at your age.
If this is something you really worry about, you should organise your life so it's not an issue. Maybe rent instead of own. That way if you lose your job you only have a few months of rent to worry about.

But blaming your husband for this being an issue is unfair. Very few couples earn identical amounts.

Gosh OP, I'm the high earner on £38k in my household! You live in cloud cuckoo land.

You are being so unreasonable here. Why force him into a job he might hate. I bet he has a great work life balance. Your poor husband. Have you even checked how much he would earn in the private sector? 38k is a massive salary.

If you can't cover your household expenses on £38k you've got bigger problems and have over stretched yourselves.

I wouldn't push anyone towards the private sector purely for the salary OP. The public sector might pay less but it has lots of benefits particularly if you worry about potential illnesses or future childcare etc. I'm in a public sector job, the lower earner in my family and with the potential to earn more elsewhere if I put my mind to it. However my job gives me more annual leave than I'd get elsewhere, 5 days of "dependent leave" which are paid days I can take if one of the kids are ill etc and amazing flexibility - meaning I can work my hours around school runs and parents evenings and whatever else might crop up. Saves us as a family a fortune in childcare and worry means the children see more of us.
I know you don't have kids, and you might not have them but there is more to a job than a salary so it's worth remembering that.