To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

[Canadalife]

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

I agree with you @redredrobins it's the insistence on continuing to call her a name after she has asked him to stop.

It's not hard. He tried to be overly familiar, instead of reverting to the classic "madam" when asked not to say "Love" he insisted on continuing, effectively overruling her.

But how is it offensive to women?

Love is interchangeable with mate, duck etc. It's an informal greeting that people use to show friendliness. If a delivery driver calls you duck and you don't like it, it's not a sexist attack, it's just someone being informal in a way you aren't comfortable with.

A delivery driver is at your door for 5 minutes tops. I genuinely can't see the issue with them calling you love. Sounds like OP is determined to take offense at the big scary working class delivery driver, who propbably just wanted to drop the shopping off as quickly and easily as possible.

Of course he was being sexist and an arse to boot!

OP asked him not to and he continued.

Of course then answer is to call the police and tell them that since you identify as non binary he misgendered you. He'll be under arrest quicker than you get your Sunday roast.

Huge overreaction.

Some things you just have to let go.
If a colleague or someone else you see regularly refers to you in a way that you don't like, fine, have a word.
But a delivery driver who you see either only once or infrequently and who is doing his job and trying to help you? Suck it up buttercup!

If he’d been calling you ‘love’ but your husband ‘Sir’ then you’d be correct in calling him sexist. But he was just calling you ‘love’ in the same way he might have called a man ‘mate’. He didn’t refer to your husband as anything, but presumably it was you he was primarily talking to about your missing chicken?

He should have stopped when you asked him to yes, but he was probably a bit wrong-footed. I feel really sorry for him actually.

You ok love after your massive overreaction?

Ah ... an example of the professionally offended ☺️

"we need something to roast on Sunday" whilst the DRIVER (I.e. not the CEO of Asda, or the person who picked your order incorrectly) is trying his best to search for a missing item for you and you think you weren't rude? He sounds like he was doing his best and being friendly and you've taken great delight in slapping him down for his "sexist" language 🙄 to make yourself feel superior.

I definitely agree with another poster that actually this is often a classism issue. Berating a working class person for using language or dialect that's commonplace in their socioeconomic background.

There is nothing "handmaideny" about saying that calling a woman "love" is not always sexist. It's a bit rude to keep doing it if you've been asked not to, but for the reasons outlined above I think it's fairly twatty to pull someone up on it when they are obviously using it as a friendly colloquialism in the circumstances described. Context is everything. If you're a female at work and your boss is calling you "love" whilst treating the blokes with unwavering professionalism then yes that's inappropriate and sexist. But that's not what this was.

@Canadalife

Sorry, but YABU. To have a go at a man simply for calling you 'love' is ridiculous.

IMO, you made yourself look foolish, petty, and quite childish. I'm a bit embarrassed for you actually.

You have to pick your battles in life. Some guy who lives by me was chatting to my DH (one day last week,) while he was trimming the bushes at the front, (and I was digging up dead bedding plants.)

He said 'got her trained in the garden now have ya? You've given up trying to get her to be good in the kitchen eh after she ruined your beans on toast by sticking the beans in the toaster with the bread?'

I just said 'yep, just sandwiches and take out from now now! Can't trust ME in the kitchen!' He laughed. DH looked a bit embarrassed. 'Anyway hope you're keeping OK Alf!' I said, and just carried on digging my dead plants out. 'Aww, not bad luv' he said.

Deep down I was silently seething (even if the beans in the toaster comment was mildly funny!) However, this guy is 83, he has lived in our village for 75 years, and every one of the 400 inhabitants knows him, and looks up to him (even if he IS a cheeky slightly misogynistic fecker!) Also, he has a dozen relatives in the village.

He didn't mean anything nasty and is perfectly OK most of the time. The other week, he gave us a massive spider plant as it was too big for his kitchen apparently... He also gave me us lovely bunch of flowers when me and DH and the kids moved to this small village. Making us feel very welcome. He is not a bad man, he just says the 'wrong' thing now and again.

As I say, some things can niggle, but you have to pick your battles in life. I laughed his comments off, even though I found them annoying, and I told DH to not mention it to anyone either. It's just not worth it.

This guy would have forgotten the comments by the time he got inside his house. If I had made a massive issue of it, my name would be mud, and I would be shunned by people in the village for upsetting 'dear old Alf...'

You need to do the same. Pick your battles....... Yours was a battle not worth starting.

Maybe stop getting offended by nothing.

Wow what a massive overreaction.
Poor driver with you and your dh ganging up on him.
I hope he doesn't get you banned

It's a unisex term of endearment. Now if he'd called you sugartits...

Notice OP has now disappeared.... classic move from someone who hates being told they’re wrong. Have a good weekend, love. Enjoy your roast duck.

Come to the East mids or West mids where everyone calls you duck/duckie or cock/cocker! Would you have said the same if it was a female driver saying it to your husband?
You sound like you were rude to be honest. He was being friendly. He should have stopped if asked politely too. But I don't think you were polite if I'm honest. 'spoke firmly'. No need for that.

'No luck finding the chicken. I said 'we need something to roast on Sunday'
Bloody* hell* you soon like a rig wet! Just go to a shop and get a bloody chicken!? You have over 24 hours!

My god 😂 love that your DH spoke up for you, love

Men do call everyone love, not just women. Esp in Yorkshire.

Utterly ubiquitous amongst men in Yorkshire's superior neighbor too :-) I have a cockney friend who does the same.

Some MNers insist that this is always sexism and men never get called love, pet etc. I think this is indicative of only knowing people from quite a narrow (upper middle) class background.

YWNBU to ask him to stop.
YWBU to be rude about it.

Get a grip Love!

@mistydayswampwitch she wanted him to pull a chicken out of his arse love. Obvs

Why would you be so fucking dramatic? He was simply trying to be polite and probably never meant any offence.

You sound like Margot in The Good Life sending Christmas back in the van.

This is such accepted sexism that even women won't recognise it. They wouldn't get a man a pet name, why a woman he doesn't know?

A man at work kept calling me 'petal' even though I was his senior and could not understand why I asked him to stop. I work hard. I am smart and intelligent woman, I am not a 'petal' or a 'love' and deserve more respect than that.

Well done OP.

Hi OP. I’m with you on this. My dad used to call people ‘cock’ as a term similar to dear or mate, but it’s about how you want to be spoken to. Several people found that very odd! And if it is not a way you want to be spoken to then it is fine to object. Often I find ‘love’ is being used in a very patronising way and that gets my hackles up. If he carried on after you said to stop, then he is wrong.

I must be really patronizing then. I work in a shop and call everybody love, but then I am in my sixties and in Yorkshire. Yabu.