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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

723 replies

Canadalife · 08/11/2019 19:38

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 08/11/2019 20:52

I could not get worked up about this, I see it like a man saying mate to another man.

I think this first comment is spot on. Women call each other, and other men ‘love’ too. It’s not patronising unless you interpret it that way.

smsd33 · 08/11/2019 20:52

Hmm ffs

donquixotedelamancha · 08/11/2019 20:52

OP asked him not to and he continued.

No, that's explicitly not what OP says.

When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep.

Now either he's nuts, because that's a complete non-sequitur, or OP said more than just that.

Later she says that she spoke to him firmly. Even the chicken conversation seems a bit bolshy on her part.

Maybe he was being patronising in tone, but I think it's very possible OP spoke to him like a piece of shit.

Morgan12 · 08/11/2019 20:52

Kim, there's people that are dying.

Ilovethekitties · 08/11/2019 20:52

We need to gauge age ranges on threads like this, I think that will correlate with the opinions you're receiving on this thread OP. Times change, hopefully every day sexism and microaggresions will be gone in a few years, it's all about education so keep it up!

OhTheRoses · 08/11/2019 20:52

I'm with the op. I have a name and it isn't hard to use it. I'm also Southern albeit married to a northerner who funnily enpugh is able to use people's names.

However whilst I don't expect professional people to call me love I'd probably have nodded and smiled over a delivery driver and would have acceptedbit wasn't a mysogynistoc or paternalostic attempt at subordination.

Get me on the subject of a staff nurse who calls me love, sweetheart or dahlin whilst calling my consultant Mr, Dr etc regardless of their sex and I do have something terse to say.

I think the op has had a very harsh reception and she isn't in the wrong factually but perhaps contextually.

SerenDippitty · 08/11/2019 20:52

I was called “my pet” by a lovely woman at Edinburgh airport security yesterday. Thought it was really nice.

Ilovethekitties · 08/11/2019 20:53

@Morgan12 Grin

Doggodogington · 08/11/2019 20:53

Oof, you’re lucky he called you love, I bet he was thinking of something slightly different to that!

SaveTheTreesPlease · 08/11/2019 20:54

Don't use ASDA for the horrendous new contract they've forced on their workers not because someone called you love.

^ Exactly this.

And honestly, I’m the first to challenge everyday sexism but your reaction to this totally innocuous-sounding behaviour is just bizarre!

Eastie77 · 08/11/2019 20:54

This must be a wind-up

JenniferM1989 · 08/11/2019 20:56

Seriously OP? This is not sexism. Sexism is that poor woman that has slogged her guts out for years in the workplace to never get the promotion and a male collegaue always getting it instead. It's also the poor woman who is expected to cook every meal and do all the cleaning because it's 'her job'. A term of endearment is not sexism. I think you've taken things too far and if it was me I would have told you to piss off to be honest

dayswithaY · 08/11/2019 20:58

You have no idea how challenging his job is and how little he gets paid. Yet you decide to make his day even harder by pulling him up on this choice of words. Some people just have too much time on their hands.

Batshittery · 08/11/2019 20:59

I'd feel more patronised by my husband chiming in tbh. Does his manly voice carry more importance than your voice?

Of all the things to be offended by - this scores 0.

Thurmanmurman · 08/11/2019 21:00

How embarrassing for you love.

EskewedBeef · 08/11/2019 21:01

It’s dismissive and condescending when you are trying to raise an issue with level of service.

And who could blame him if he was trying to put the lot of them in their place? Someone trying to pull rank and calling for reinforcements because their bloody chicken was missing would annoy most people.

Fraggling · 08/11/2019 21:01

Sounds like it depends where op lives.
Round here men don't call each other love and very few men say it to women either, which is why, for me, it jars when someone does say it.
And round here when they do say it, it often is quite patronising, or maybe what i mean is it's used passive aggressively.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 21:01

And who could blame him if he was trying to put the lot of them in their place? Someone trying to pull rank and calling for reinforcements because their bloody chicken was missing would annoy most people.

Pull rank? She’s the customer and he tried to give her a duck instead of a chicken. She had every right to object.

Thesearmsofmine · 08/11/2019 21:02

I guess you’re not in Yorkshire, people use it all the time to men, women and children.
Another one often used here is cock/cocker I can only imagine how offended you would be if he had called you cock!

1Morewineplease · 08/11/2019 21:03

I find it so sad that affectionate terms are considered ‘sexist’ or ‘misogynistic’ or anti-feminist . I love the colloquiums of our country and long may they continue.
To be rude to someone who is just being colloquial is ignorant and shows you up to be an utter snob . You have made this delivery person , who may not have your double first in Sociology , feel very defensive and inferior to your , obvious, ‘better’ judgement.

Blueberrydreams · 08/11/2019 21:04

If you live down south please don’t venture up north OP.

If this is all you have to get worked up about then you must have a pretty care free life

Ilovethekitties · 08/11/2019 21:05

@1Morewineplease did you not read the section where she had politely asked him not to refer to her as love and rather than respecting her wishes, he kicked off. I wonder what he might have done had the husband asked him....

jakscrakers · 08/11/2019 21:05

Seriously political correctness has gone way overboard, some peeps should just wear blinkers and earplugs or go live on a deserted island, seriously wayyy too many people jumping on all bandwagons....cant do this.......... cant say that, isnt there more things to worry about in this life

Lostsocksaresoannoying · 08/11/2019 21:06

I think you're being quite silly, and I say that as someone who isn't keen on love.

My mil calls everyone 'love', even dh and fil.

My old boss called everyone sweetheart, including men.

It's a term of endearment.

littlehappyhippo · 08/11/2019 21:06

@Canadalife

Not coming back to the thread then? Hmm

Light the touchpaper..... annnnnd RUN!

Or is it because 9 out of 10 people think you're in the wrong?