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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

723 replies

Canadalife · 08/11/2019 19:38

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 08/11/2019 20:14

Geordie here:
You OK pet?

OhTheJoys1 · 08/11/2019 20:14

OP,

I actually think you were the rude one here. He was just being friendly and you were being deliberately confrontational.

You and your husband sound quite snooty!

ShinyMe · 08/11/2019 20:15

"Men don't call each other love. "

Um - yes they definitely do in some parts of the country.

Round here, it's just polite. Love/duck/flower etc are used by workmen, bus drivers, delivery drivers and so on, to men and women as a way of being friendly and polite and pleasant. I didn't grow up here, and it was a bit odd when I first moved here, but I love it now, I find it friendly and nice and doesn't make me feel uncomfortable in the way that similar tradespeople down south would be much more formal and say things like 'ma'am' or 'Mrs Smith'.

What you've described is NOT 'everyday sexism' but just a level of informality that you don't like. I agree that he should have stopped when you asked him to, but for him to claim that you were being abusive suggests you were far more firm than you think you were. Personally I could not get worked up by someone calling me love when they deliver my shopping.

GrapefruitGin · 08/11/2019 20:16

Get over yourself!
What a load of nonsense. I hope the driver reports YOU.

Venger · 08/11/2019 20:17

Geordie here: You OK pet?

Surely you mean "y'alreet pet?"

Wink
lotsofoysters · 08/11/2019 20:17

YANBU to be annoyed at being called love, I don't like it either. It comes across as very patronising and "calm down, dear" to me. I hate it when shop assistants call me "madam" too. There's no need to stick terms of address on the end of sentences, they add nothing.

But I wouldn't challenge anyone on it, it's normal and a regional thing and they may or may not mean it to be patronising.

ClownsandCowboys · 08/11/2019 20:17

Men don't call each other love They do in Yorkshire.

Glacecherrychops · 08/11/2019 20:18

In Yorkshire, everyone is called love, it's a way of speaking. I've heard bus drivers say 'cheers love' to big, burly, bald men.

It's not a sexist thing at all.

How is it offensive to women?

BenevolentEzza · 08/11/2019 20:19

Did you take the duck in the end though love, or are you now without something to roast on Sunday?

Lilmissmissy · 08/11/2019 20:19

I cant honestly believe what i have just read.
If this is all you can moan about in your life i think you need to get a serious grip.
The delivery guy was just been friendly. I honestly feel sorry for him having to deal with such a ridiculous situation YABU!!!!!!

Brefugee · 08/11/2019 20:19

Surely the point is that he kept calling her something after she had asked him to stop.

It is entirely immaterial if other people get called love or not (I'm from the north, I've never encountered a man being called love, but if people say they do I'm not about to disbelieve it)

As for the DH repeating it, it is actually a sad fact of life that some men don't listen when women ask them not to do something, but will immediately pay attention to a man saying it. Also, if I had repeatedly asked someone to stop referring to me in a particular way, and my DH was around to see it not happening, I expect he'd have jumped in too.

Maybe the driver was having a bad day (perhaps he's just been shafted on his T&C) but it's just rude to keep calling someone something that they had asked them not to.

ssd · 08/11/2019 20:20

You sound hard work op.

NewName73 · 08/11/2019 20:20

I don't like it, but I wouldn't correct someone in those circumstances. It's like picking up people on MN for using bad grammar. In an office situation I would certainly say something, but not to a delivery driver who's just trying to be pleasant. And probably wouldn't understand why you are offended.

redredrobins · 08/11/2019 20:20

Continuing to call a women love after her asking you to stop IS sexism.
He should have stopped it immediately, if that is the norm "up north" I'm glad I live in the south.
Asking to stop is NOT abuse, he is an idiot.

namechangetheworld · 08/11/2019 20:21

YABU. You sound like hard work.

Inthemuckheap · 08/11/2019 20:21

YABU - much ado about nothing

Gwenhwyfar · 08/11/2019 20:22

You sound like quite a snob.
In many places, love is a normal term of endearment. If people use it all the time, it would be very hard for them to stop.

NewName73 · 08/11/2019 20:22

I think it's sexist when people call me Mrs as I prefer to be called Ms.

If I corrected someone though they'd think I was batshit.

JonSlow · 08/11/2019 20:22

A colloquialism, and you got your panties in a bunch. Get a grip.

FluffyEarMuffs · 08/11/2019 20:22

It's an utterly harmless and uni sex way of referring to someone. My husband says "love" to his own dad, so men say it to men too 😆 It's a regional and cultural thing and merely a way of expression. Not sexist 🙄

And it's bloody hard to just stop when it's what you are used to.

YABU.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/11/2019 20:23

YABFU...grow up

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 08/11/2019 20:23

In my experience, this isn't a thing exclusively used by men to women. Women use it to men and to other women. I've been called 'love' many a time by other women, and so has my husband when we're out together. There are examples of every day sexism we should challenge, but this isn't one of them.

TheLovelyWoo · 08/11/2019 20:23

YANBU IMO. I’ve always absolutely hated being called ‘love’. It’s patronising and sexist, and I entirely understand why it wound you up.

If I were you I’d contact ASDA tomorrow to explain and complain. The delivery driver will almost certainly have given some account of what happened, so in your position I’d want to contact them to explain what actually happened.

marriageisafullonmerger · 08/11/2019 20:23

Ffs get a grip.

LynetteScavo · 08/11/2019 20:23

The delivery driver doesn't pick the items.

You and DH were pissy with him.

You don't need to be confrontational or aggressive to be abusive. However, I don't think you were abusive.

I suggest you never use Asda again, the delivery driver will probably be relieved. I don't shop at Asda anyway.

My DM just says "I'm not you're love" That usually works perfect in such situations.