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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

321 replies

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 14:01

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 08/11/2019 15:50

Hurrah!

Aria999 · 08/11/2019 15:51

DD2 is due in February and DS1 will be 4 so we are totally going to have this problem. Do what you feel you have to. You're doing one of the hardest jobs there is and whatever you do is not going to be perfect. Do the best you can and don't give yourself a hard time. This, too, will pass.

DS1 was in fact always hungry. We had a running joke about it. So i wouldn't necessarily assume she isn't hungry even if it seems impossible (e.g she just fed 15 minutes ago). If this happens to us this time round I think I will supplement with formula (DS1 was exclusively BF till around 9 months but I don't think a little extra formula will hurt). And I guess if you really can't get her to take formula maybe it's some reassurance she's not actually all that hungry!

Sayhellotothethings · 08/11/2019 15:51

I actually second what everyone is saying about formula. I know breast is best but if it's costing you some of your sanity, it's not, really. Your MH needs are the most important thing so that baby's needs can be met. In my experience formula made my baby a bit fuller for longer.

Obviously your call

Aria999 · 08/11/2019 15:52

Cross post! Yay, breakthrough 🥳

PenguinPickup · 08/11/2019 15:53

Excellent news re the carrier! Meantime, I also think it could well be teething. Do a few internet searches, I have. I would get one of those teething rings that can be cooled. Good luck.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 15:55

Penguin that's a good idea, I have one of those some where I will dig it out

OP posts:
Sayhellotothethings · 08/11/2019 15:56

Yay!! I wore my baby around the house a lot, around the same time. If it makes life easier, do it!

neveradullmoment99 · 08/11/2019 15:59

I used to leave my ds to cry. He is fine. You are only human and need a break so don't sweat it.

Thenextnamechange · 08/11/2019 16:08

Whoop whoop - glad you found something that worked. Depending on how you get on with it, there are carriers that do forward facing that will be more comfortable for your back. Ergo 360 is one one option. It is possible to feed in a Close Caboo but by 12 weeks she is likely to be getting a bit big, an Ergo 360 (or similar, think Tula do something similar) would give you the option to forward face or to feed while carrying - good luck!

cravingmilkshake · 08/11/2019 16:09

My baby is 15 weeks to tomorrow, one day at 6 weeks she wouldn't stop crying, I fed her on and off for three hours and she just wouldn't stop... a health visitor cousin of mine said to give her formula .... it worked!! Amazingly. We haven't looked back since.

CactusAndCacti · 08/11/2019 16:10

I have deleted from my mind that period of time when number 2 was that age, but I did have a swing that worked well for him.

I promise you will get through this, hang in there.

Wingingthis · 08/11/2019 16:12

Sounds exactly like my baby (now 2). Have you been to the breastfeeding clinic? I’d want to rule out - Tongue tie, reflux/silent reflux & CMPA.
Good luck

Dilkhush · 08/11/2019 16:13

I used to sometimes put my son in his pram in the garden (I could see and hear him but the sound was muffled). It was when I'd done everything I could do but he was still crying and my toddler needed either a break from the noise or some food. I never felt bad about it - there are many needs to satisfy within a family and some compromise seemed OK to me.

ChocolateTeapot1 · 08/11/2019 16:17

I couldn’t leave a screaming baby to give a toddler attention. My children are 18 months apart so I’ve had this same dilemma many times, if the baby is screaming it needs something, babies don’t cry for fun. If it’s feeding the baby needs well you need to sit and feed, you can still chat to the toddler and feed. It’s not ok to leave the baby crying though. Occupy the toddler with something and sort the baby, once the baby is settled then give the toddler the attention. That’s how I managed things.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2019 16:17

Jeez there are some judgey ill informed idiots on this thread.
DO NOT beat yourself up about this.
Sometimes, for our own sanity, we need to put down and walk away for a while.
Totally normal OP!

jamoncrumpets · 08/11/2019 16:21

I gave birth to my DD when DS was nearly 4. He's autistic, I mention this now because it's pertinent later on.

DS never latched, couldn't. We tried for two weeks. We saw three lactation consultants. Two midwives. Nada. He was formula fed.

DD latched like a champ, from her first hour, in the recovery room following a planned c. I BFd her for the first week. The second week my DH had to start working again. I was alone with her and an autistic pre schooler. I couldn't set up activities for him to do while I BFd. He didn't understand that I needed to BF. I had to do the nursery run. It became very apparent very quickly that BFing just would not be possible with our set up. So I ordered a Perfect Prep off Amazon, and a load of Hipp from Tesco and switched her to formula.

Switching, in our set of circumstances, was absolutely necessary for everybody's happiness. DD was fed. She lay on the floor or sat in her bouncer. I was able to get up and give DS the attention he needed. DS is at school now, DD is a toddler and she gets all my attention all day.

I am NOT telling you to formula feed. I am just telling you that I know where you're at and I know it's bloody hard.

Gdizzle14 · 08/11/2019 16:22

Hiya, just thought I'd add, sorry if someone's already said this there's a lot of posts! I've got a 4 week old and am new to motherhood. My baby is very colicky and could scream for England in the evening. We ran through the common causes, gas, silent reflux etc I quickly realised that all my rocking and soothing was making him worse because he was overstimulated.... Our life saver has been white noise. If he's in pain or needs something he continues to cry but if it's stress or over tiredness, white noise works a treat!

We also realised yesterday that his tongue tie was causing all his gas and reflux symptoms... acid reflux, not wanting to be lay horizontal, Comfort sucking, never satisfied after feeds, 20 minute naps max etc Had it snipped yesterday and he had his first settled night since coming home... Not sure if this helps but we've been amazed at the difference xx

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 16:23

Thenextnamechamge
Thanks for carrier suggestions, was looking at ergo 360

Wingingthis
Yes been to bf clinic many times trying to get rid of the shields...no luck! Not tongue tied. I don't think reflux as happy to be laid flat feeding next to me in bed at night, doesn't posset much. Cmpa I suppose, niece has it tho (inherited on in laws side there) and it was quite different - vile nappies, poor weight gain etc.

OP posts:
Shadowboy · 08/11/2019 16:25

I did it. For my mental health and for the 2 year old I had at the time. The 2 year old was too young to understand the needs of the baby and became naughty and destructive. The baby had colic so no matter what I did she cried. It was killing me inside- one day I did exactly that- but her in her cot with a monitor and got a cup of tea and did playdoh with the eldest. I needed it and the elder needed it.

The youngest is 3 now and perfectly fine.

FabbyChix · 08/11/2019 16:26

This reply has been deleted

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Pinkblueberry · 08/11/2019 16:27

Although I sympathise with your predicament and appreciate that’s it’s difficult for you - at 12 weeks absolutely not. I’m not saying they can’t be left to cry at all but I would say 5 or 10 mins max. She may be overtired but what are you achieving by leaving her to cry? She’s too young to settle herself, so she’s not going to fall asleep that way.

MRex · 08/11/2019 16:27

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland - woohoo! How weird, but great! I guess she just wants to feel involved with her brother, maybe you'll end up with a very early talker.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 08/11/2019 16:29

Yy to white noise. Was a game changer for us. We got a myhummy bear- loved it

Thenextnamechange · 08/11/2019 16:32

I loved my Integra for feeding in Because of the double adjust straps. But it doesn’t do forward facing, so maybe not for you. Tula Explore was the other forward facing one I was thinking of.

Thenextnamechange · 08/11/2019 16:33

And worth checking out Facebook marketplace - there are loads second hand.