AIBU to ask what you’d do if you were me, as I am in a complete mess?

[Inacompletemess]

My life is in absolute chaos and I need help, but please be kind.

1. Money, I’m in debt up to my ears.

My take home pay is £2000

Rent - £450
Car finance - £270 (the agreement I have says I have to pay that whether I have the car or not, the car is needed for work so selling it isn’t sensible)
Loan - £280
Bills - £300
Car insurance - £75

In theory I should have around £600 left to play with. It soon goes on petrol and so on. Also, I have credit card debt of around £2000 and an overdraft of £700. Every month I am borrowing money from both to stay afloat. I’ve looked into getting a second job but it’s difficult as I already work full time.

1. Sad and lonely I’m chronically single. I’ve given up trying to meet someone to be honest. I regret not trying harder when I was younger. Most of my friends either married boyfriends they met at university or spent their twenties prioritising meeting someone. I stupidly didn’t do this and now I’m 38, alone and probably going to stay that way. I LOVE children and it really does hurt me so much to know I won’t have them.

1. Weight ... it’s fair to say this has never been easy for me. It’s probably why I’ve never met someone. I feel food is my only friend really - I don’t really have any friends any more and I only really look forward to eating, I managed to lose a stone about a month ago but have probably put it back on again in the last two weeks!

I am just feeling a bit desperate really. I wish more than anything I could rewind the last twenty years! But life doesn’t work that way of course.

@Inacompletemess please do not go for good, please come back when ready. we are all rooting for you.

I do get that dumpty but on a purely practical basis I can’t walk all day, can I? I’m just pointing out people who are saying that I need to walk to X or take up walking to Y that it’s unlikely to make difference to weight loss as I already do this.

Oxford I think you are trying to help, I do. And I’m not trying in any way to be dismissive of that help. But what do you want me to say? Yes, I will commit to not buying any takeaways even though I already don’t? Yes, I will check my credit file even though I already have? That’s NOT me saying people aren’t helpful but it’s just some of it isn’t personally helpful to me even though it’s good general sort of advice (if that makes sense.)

Maybe that’s the truth, that I’m in this all so far that there isn’t a real way out which I think probably is the case.

You are very kind and patient, italian

Inacompletemess I can see it is all quite overwhelming.

Maybe pick your top few bits of advice and go with that. I'll give you my top 3 and you can feel free to ignore me...

1. Go to the GP to see if you are suffering from depression, you may get some help and it's worth asking anyway.... (I've had lots of counselling and it's helped me and I know others have mentioned this too on this thread)

2. Get professional debt counselling advice from a charity for free (I'm sure others have mentioned this too)

3. When you are engaging in your weight loss or saving or paying off debts etc think (and say to yourself in the mirror) "I am doing this for my future, for my possible husband and my possible kids and most of all for me because I am worth it "

Have you considered applying for new jobs? Sorry if this has already been suggested. But instead of adding a P/T job to the mix, would a new F/T job give you a new lease of life? Work can bring with it a social life, perhaps a bit more cash, a new focus...? I’m tied down with toddlers and always tempted by impossible jobs in other countries, although it wouldn’t have to be so extreme as that!

@Inacompletemess I think your last paragraph sums your situation up...

Maybe that’s the truth, that I’m in this all so far that there isn’t a real way out which I think probably is the case.

Please listen to me when I say there is away out, there is always a way out!

Perhaps you are so bogged down by your situation that you can’t see the way out. That’s not your fault, it’s hard to see the wood through the trees when your in the thick of it, but all of us are here trying to show you that it will be ok. Is there anyone, mum, dad, sibling, friend, citizens advice who you could turn to that could help you review everything?

I genuinely did it for my sister about 6 years ago when she got herself into a similar situation. I set up a spreadsheet, agreed payment plans, took her main bank card, gave her a reasonable but tight budget and transferred this to a separate account and slowly month by month she worked her way out of debt.

As for the walking suggestion, people on here don’t know the ins and outs of your life. They can only make reasonable suggestions that you need to take and adapt to work for you. For me when I needed to lose weight I started taking the stairs not the lift, getting off the train a stop early, parking my car at the far end of every car park, go for a walk after dinner, joined a badminton club. None of those might work for you but there must be somewhere that you can add additional steps in.

Oh it’s absolutely rubbish to feel so low and fed up.

Is there anything that you enjoy doing OP?

Worth heading to the GP to talk about how low you feel generally. They might also want to do some blood tests in case there is an underlying problem such as thyroid issues or vitamin d deficiency contributing to things.

Perhaps the finances side would be helpful to look at first as if the debt was gone, you’d be able to treat yourself a bit more, maybe go on holiday or save some money towards getting out of the shares house if that’s what you want to do.

Get on YouTube and search for Dave Ramsey, the guy is fantastic and has helped a great many people out of debt (I count myself among them). I found him better than some of the other financial gurus as he advocates quick wins and paying off the debt smallest to largest so you can gather some momentum.

Sweetheart i got on anti depressants this year - turned things around.

It sounds like your head is working against you.

Get your head straight, be kind to yourself. Then you can start making changes.

I gotta tell ya, those little pills have really really helped me

Maybe that’s the truth, that I’m in this all so far that there isn’t a real way out which I think probably is the case

You really are not in as much chaos, or such a very terrible situation as you think. It’s ALL fixable.

But if you feel that it is hopeless, that’s quite a strong marker for depression and you should see your GP as the first thing you do.

In my opinion I think you should start with the finances as I believe if you sort them out and that stress is off your shoulders the rest will be a lot easier to tackle.

First question in relation to where the spare 600 goes; what is the so on? Is this little bits of money going on stuff you don't need? It's very easy to do just a bit here and bit there doesn't seem much but adds up. I had that problem, especially with snacking and I cured it with a very direct but easy thing. Leave your debit/credit/cash any money or access to money at home when you go to work. Bring your lunch and flask with coffee.

If you catch the train to work stop an earlier stop and walk. This will give you exercise for free. Car park further away.

You will probably find you save more then you think doing that. I was surprised how much I was spending. Take that difference and pay your credit card off. And then once you do that use your credit card properly and realise what it is. A credit card is useful if you pay it off in full before interest is charged; and if you don't have it get one with an interest free period. But other then that a credit card is simply a high interest rate loan.

But the money, your weight is not the biggest thing blocking you getting onto the path of the life you want. It's attitude and you need to switch that from a I can't attitude to a I can attitude. And you may need to visit a professional therapist for that as your attitude maybe a sign of depression.

But as others have pointed out your not in that much debt and you can get through it and you can learn new habits.

OP, I know everything looks black now and almost like it's a vicious cycle without an end. But the reality is that you can stop it. You can work to make yourself feel better. One thing that has always worked with me is "fake till you make it".

When I have bad periods, I keep telling myself I am happy. I look at the mirror and smile to myself. I will think stupid stuff like "I'm so happy today - I'm going to go to work, will have a cup of coffee and will talk to a couple of friends - what an amazing life". Its clearly not, but after a few days of positive thinking it just becomes much easier until I get back being less sad.

This has been a very tough period for me and I have not followed the above. I had almost forgot my trick. Will start from tomorrow. Maybe you could give it a try - what's to lose?

@cannycat20 your post isn't 16:20 is really lovely and motivating for anybody, great advice.

@Inacompletemess trying to understand a little more about you, I was wondering what kind of job you do? Also around the house share where you are living- do you get anything socially out of this? Or is it just around costs? I was thinking you may be less in control of utilities bills etc if this is set by your landlord so you won't be able to take advantage of moving to cheaper providers? Where do you live and is single accommodation out of your price range?

Give yourself a year. You can turn this around op. Money - learn to budget, £600 left over is perfectly ok. Give every penny a task and if you want to buy something not budgeted for, go back and change your budget first to 'find the money' so spend that amount less on something else and physically move the money on your budget do you don't spend it twice. Shop with a list. Meal plan and batch cook. The freezer is your friend. Sad and lonely- focus on yourself for a year. Do things you enjoy. Have me time. Do something new once a month and make time for friends. Forget about relationships for a year while you focus on your finances and you. Learn to like yourself. Weight - walk more. Yes keep the car for work but you can walk everywhere locally. Get out every day. Don't buy chocolate, sweets and crap food. If you don't have it in you won't eat it. Don't diet. Ever. They never work long term and it's much better and more sustainable to do it slowly by changing your lifestyle. You can do this op. One step at a time.

Should say your post of 16:20

I am pretty much you OP, except I have twice the debt and I was recently diagnosed with a rare progressive disease which could get worse with pregnancy.

What strikes me about your post is that it is quite dramatic, and your language about yourself is very down putting. There is a difference between 'I feel awful about my life, it's not where I'd like to be' and 'my life is a complete mess'. The first is a feeling and the second is a thought. You can't change what you feel, but you can objectify thoughts.

I understand that your life feels a complete mess, and it feels like people are being unhelpful to say 'it could be worse', but between those two views there is a middle ground.

When I first got my diagnosis I got a piece of paper and wrote down a list of things to be grateful for. Number one (sorry for people affected) was It's not cancer. So your number one could be I'm Not Homeless. And keep going until you have 9 or 10 things. I don't know if you can understand the power of that, but you don't know your own strength until you are really tested.

Re. the debt, consolidate it into the lowest interest you can get. You 100% have to cut the cards up. It is liberating. Live on a miniscule budget for a couple of months so you can get on top of things more.

Then, join a gym and go date.

It really is that simple, sorry. I am not saying this to be harsh, I feel a lot of the same regrets, but really the only person it comes down to is you. You deserve to be happy

I don’t date. I’m not attractive enough.

Maybe it seems dramatic to you; you are pregnant, presumably you have a partner and some support. I have nobody. That’s probably why it feels dramatic.

It’s not just the money, or the weight, or the fact I have two days coming up where I will see no one (yes, I will be looking for weekend jobs) it’s all of it. And not being able to see it changing

I’m sorry to hear about your disease; I honestly am.

Even IF only 2% of world population found you attractive (pretty sure it's higher in reality) that's 140 million. That's well over 2x UK. That doesn't sound so bad, does it. Plus remember that the whole thing is NOT just about the looks. It's about you as a person. You could be Miss Universe but be alone because you are a total bitch. See what I mean? It's about the whole package.

Again. 2.7k debt is NOT up to your ears. In grand scheme of things it's only 1.5 month of wages. That's it. And that's pretty manageable, but not the way you do it. So do listen to others and it will get sorted sooner than you think.

Than that stops you stressing-stopping comfort eating-losing weight-feeling generally better-more active and maybe even a hobby-more relaxed-more attractive-more friendly -more friends-partner and whatever you want in there.
It all ties together.

@cannycat20 - what a wonderful post! Super, thoughtful advice.

You need a plan. Small steps. First step make a plan using some of the suggestions on here. Pick the ones you like the sound of.
Maybe worth a trip to the gp too as you do sound down.

@shinynewapple - thank you, that's a very nice compliment. (Love the username!)

And @worriedmumtoteen, thank you too.

Like so many of us on here, I've been through some pretty rough stuff in my life (as well as some really good times) and there were occasions when I could not see a way out, never mind up. And if I'd only asked for the help that's there sooner than I did, including lots of the very sensible advice on here, I'd have found that way out so much sooner too. I always thought mumsnet was just for parents until a colleague who had used the site for a long time explained that no, anyone's welcome (as long as they behave!). And I have learned so much on here, about all kinds of things.

It is partly the debt but more that my credit is rubbish so buying a house and saving is out of the question.

Hang on, I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself here!

Once you get to grips with your debt, your credit rating will start to improve. That's why throwing as much money as you can at the smallest debt, until it's cleared, is such a good idea. There's loads of advice on MSE about building a credit score, but you need to get a handle on the existing debt first.

I'm unclear if the £600 of disposable income you have each month ispartly going on the credit card repayments, or if they're included in the £300 a month "bills" money. I'm guessing not, in which case the £300 on bills seems high. Have a look at what you can reduce here, eg Sky, phone contract (if you're due an upgrade soonish, for example, you could hang on to the phone and go sim-only, that could be a big saving).

If you managed to save £50 a month on your bills, and paid down your smallest credit card debt with it, you would see the balance start to reduce much more quickly.

A significant chunk of your income goes on your car. I know it's essential for your work, but are you making sure you claim back every penny in mileage that you can? I found when I actually clocked my mileage using the trip counter, rather than just relying on knowing fairly accurately how far away places were, that I was massively underestimating how many miles you can do driving round looking for parking spaces. (And shop around for your insurance at renewal time, and try and put a little aside each month so you can pay it upfront, then that £75 a month can go to paying down debt).

One exercise that clients find an eye-opener is not to buy anything that isn't essential for a month. They're always gobsmacked by how much of their spending is on stuff that they don't actually need, or where a purchase can be deferred. I know how easy it is to feel the need to treat yourself when you're depressed, but it's a very short-lived mood lifter and has a hangover in the form of no money, which just brings you down again. I bet you'd find an awful lot of your spending is discretionary.

If you can apply the same sort of discipline to your food shopping, and only buy what is absolutely essential (lots of veg, no chocolate, cake or biscuits) you may find that you start to lose weight, too!

I've been where you are, OP, and I know how it feels utterly impossible to see a way through the mire. But once you've made a small change, and then seen a benefit from that, your motivation improves no end and the next, bigger, step is a lot easier. And making that first step will help you feel more positive, too.

You need to pay for petrol to get to work. Nobody needs to buy the other crap they sell, especially not at the prices they charge.

Using the pay at the pump option is an excellent way of avoiding this temptation!

Yes it was a lovely thoughtful post from @cannycat20 but it got shut down by the OP straight away, as have the rest. I fear everything that can be said has been said, and there is now no further advice to be offered. Until the OP finds her way to a place where she can be open to the advice there is nothing more that outsiders can do. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. It's up to the OP now what steps she's going to take. All the ideas are here on this thread. I've invested my energy into kindly meant advice from the benefit and hindsight of lived experience, but I am drawing a line now.

I very much hope to login in a years time and see a wonderful positive update from the OP, and I sincerely wish her well and hope she is able to forge the happy life she deserves.

@OxfordCat, aww thank you too for the nice comment. And yes, like you, it would be great to log in a year or so from now and see that some of the very sensible advice has stuck and OP is back on track.

@Inacompletemess Sorry if I interpreted your post as wanting to date but not feeling able to. If you don't date you could try www.meetup.com.

I'm not pregnant. Did I not mention that I am single in my post? Oops looks like I didn't.

Oh I fully get the having nobody. In the same year I was diagnosed, my family moved to the other end of the country, and my closest friend became pregnant. She would say things like 'we're just in different places', and 'you just feel like everyone has deserted you'. There was some truth in that last statement, I did feel as though everyone had moved on, and there I was dealing with a cataclysmic diagnosis and generally quite pissed off. I didn't realise how insidious the loneliness was until I got really quite low. I felt really quite rejected by friends, family and society and invisible. I picked my way through that depression, by gradually sorting out some of my past problems, improving self-care and so on.

I still often spend time on my own. I live on my own AND work from home, and I am not allowed pets due to my contract. I have learned how much time is TOO much time on my own, where I start to feel anxious, so I make sure to make contact with the outside world. Go to the library, a cafe, a supermarket, all of these place give you a connection to humanity. This isn't your life for the rest of your life but it is just is what it is right now.

I do know what it feels like when you suddenly realise your life isn't what you wanted it to be, and it feels like nothing is going to change ever. And sometimes, it's ok to have a rant and a wallow.

All I am saying is - from bitter experience - don't get down for too long.

I really like Pema Chodron:

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy” ― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

I really wish you the best on your journey and would also love to hear back in a year or so what's gone well, what's in progress and so on.