AIBU to ask what you’d do if you were me, as I am in a complete mess?

[Inacompletemess]

My life is in absolute chaos and I need help, but please be kind.

1. Money, I’m in debt up to my ears.

My take home pay is £2000

Rent - £450
Car finance - £270 (the agreement I have says I have to pay that whether I have the car or not, the car is needed for work so selling it isn’t sensible)
Loan - £280
Bills - £300
Car insurance - £75

In theory I should have around £600 left to play with. It soon goes on petrol and so on. Also, I have credit card debt of around £2000 and an overdraft of £700. Every month I am borrowing money from both to stay afloat. I’ve looked into getting a second job but it’s difficult as I already work full time.

1. Sad and lonely I’m chronically single. I’ve given up trying to meet someone to be honest. I regret not trying harder when I was younger. Most of my friends either married boyfriends they met at university or spent their twenties prioritising meeting someone. I stupidly didn’t do this and now I’m 38, alone and probably going to stay that way. I LOVE children and it really does hurt me so much to know I won’t have them.

1. Weight ... it’s fair to say this has never been easy for me. It’s probably why I’ve never met someone. I feel food is my only friend really - I don’t really have any friends any more and I only really look forward to eating, I managed to lose a stone about a month ago but have probably put it back on again in the last two weeks!

I am just feeling a bit desperate really. I wish more than anything I could rewind the last twenty years! But life doesn’t work that way of course.

Oh your life is not ruined, please don’t feel like that. Have you ever spoken to anyone professionally about your situation? You may benefit from some talking therapy to help you challenge and break negative thoughts patterns.
Things won’t change if you dont change them, that’s hard as doing something for the first time can be daunting but it gets easier after that!
Set yourself goals, start with a 5 min walk, add a minute each day for example. Put your earphones in and stomp away.

Like I mentioned before, money saving expert is great for financial advice. You could also contact your local citizens advice beaurau, they can offer free advice.

Read what’s his names blog .. Martin Lewis??? There are many ways to pay off debt with interest free cards etc .. but first and foremost get rid of the credit card ..

There is help out there OP .. take a minute and breathe ..

Best of luck 🌷

Sorry - just re-read your post about how you have to pay th £270 whether you have the car or not. In that case, once this agreement is over, get a smaller, older car.

You need to budget.
What worked for me was setting up direct debits the day after payday for all loans bills, credit card etc.
You say you have approx 600 a month after out goings so I would go to atm every week and take out approx 150 (or less if its a five week month).
Budget this cash for groceries, petrol etc for the week. Dont use your debit/ credit card for anything, just cash.

Keep a spending diary.
Do this for a full month and you will start to get an idea of where your money is going.

You need to start spending less than you earn every month to get out of debt. You can do this and once you get a system going you will feel in control of the situation.

Shop around for cheaper utilities.

I was once in your situation and it’s horrible and stressful but you can turn it around.

Start setting some small goals for yourself and you will get where you want to be.

And 38 is so YOUNG!!!

You're not too old but if you wallow in self pity for another few years then you will be. Loads of people don't meet someone until they are your age and even more people have kids in their 40s. I would focus on your weight as exercising and losing some weight will give you a great self esteem boost which will have a knock on effect with the other things. There are loads of motivational walking apps, then you can work up to the couch to 5k. Or get a second hand exercise bike and go on it every night in front of the tv. Financially I don't have any advice but I'm sure someone else can advise that part.
With regards to meeting someone, I would say forget about meeting a romantic partner for the time being but get out there and join as many clubs as you can. I can almost guarantee there will be a walking group or some low level fitness group. The more people you know, the more likely it will be that you get invited to parties, dinners etc where you may meet friends of theirs etc. Before long you and your new body and improved self esteem will have met the love of your life. Good luck x

Also, don’t put limits on yourself. You are being quite critical of yourself there. Instead of telling yourself you can’t do things, tell yourself you can try to do things and enjoy doing them whether you immediately get the end result or not! You seem to have put a lot of limits on your life. You could have kids without a man, you could fall in love tomorrow, you could choose to make different decisions than the ones you do. See yourself as your ally in your quest to become solvent, meet someone and have kids and say positive things to yourself 😀

I have been in your situation. I went to the bank and consolidated all my debt into one loan on a quite low interest. I then agreed a term of say 4 years with the bank as the lady I dealt with was super helpful and i showed her all my outgoings and what I could afford to pay back each month. So then I knew it would always be £250 a month for example.

Knowing this, I could then budget everything else. So I knew how much was left after all bills and this monthly loan repayment.

Focus on the money, then focus on your weight and then your love life will hopefully take care of itself

CAB have great debt advice. Free.

Don’t respond to any adverts offering solutions for debt, they take a huge cut.

Honestly if I was in your position I would prioritise having a baby and I'd consider using a sperm donor, but only if you do truly do want children and will regret not having them.

I'd also make a plan to get out of debt, I'm sure there's something you can do about the car finance, I had finance before and was able to sell the car but my ex sorted it out so I'm not sure exactly what he did.

You could look back on all your bank statements and make a list of all bills/out goings excluding debt repayments and figure out what you have left over. Then contact each lender and see if they can make a payment plan where you split the money left over between each lender and they could even freeze interest, they have for me. Embarrassingly I pay £1 a month toward my debts as I'm now a single parent on benefits after leaving my abusive ex and literally have no money.

I don't have much advice on losing weight but I've tried intermittent fasting along side calorie counting in the past and that's worked well for me.

Op thats 1 months salary .
I agree with writing everything down and looking at what you can switch and chop .
There is so much help here

OK KIck start yourself, do a spend no money month. It doesn't have to be liturally NO money but minimal - so no buying food out, no coffees, nothing. Give yourself an allowance for petrol and food that is slightly less than usual - with the food go and pull everything out of the cupboard and look at it and come up with some inexpensive filling meals (don't worry re weight this month). Money Saving Expert is good to get going go and have a read.

Relook at your bills and check you are getting best price - 75 seems high on insurance to be honest, Mine is 50 on a pretty decent car but it maybe you can't change that for a bit, Rather than cut up credit card stick it in an ice block in the freezer - then you have to think about when you need to use it!!

Sort out repaying your debts over a set period - set a realistic budget for yourself.

Maybe do something like hypnotherapy to help break yourself out of your spiral.

Bar job.
Fridays and Saturdays at a minimum until debt is paid off.
Quite likely you'll meet someone also, Even if it's just for a bit of fun.

OP, Your life is not ruined.
You have a decent income. You have debts but they are not too big to deal with.
You are still young. You are articulate. You are probably gorgeous.
You can change your life.
First concentrate on what you can do something about and that is paying off the debt.

Stop thinking of food as a friend or an enemy. It is fuel. Learn to enjoy good tasty healthy food. For now try to keep treats to a minimum, and start to love yourself.

Look forwards to a time when the debt is behind you and start seeing yourself as a valuabled and loveable person.

So sorry to hear you're having such a rough time :(

I would get a debt relief order www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/debt-relief-order.aspx And please don't get in that situation again! If you 'need' the credit cards to live, tough shit, you will just have to manage on what you have. You will, because you'll have to. A DRO will effect your credit rating but that's a good thing as it'll mean you can't do it again. If you don't want to go as far as a DRO, I would speak to the organisation I linked to above, StepChange. They're usually recommended to help people do an income and expenditure form etc and liase with creditors to make someone's debt more manageable.

Could you consider medication and/or, as others have said, therapy? I think both are worth a go. It could be said you are using food to self-medicate. Instead, you could try an evidence based medication and treatment for your feelings of hopelessness etc a.k.a symptoms of depression. Meds can also help with binge eating.

Also- get out and mingle a little- metups.com or the equivalent. If an event is at a bar, you could just have a couple of drinks, or lime and soda or whatever so it's not too expensive a night.

Best wishes xxxxx

• meetup.com

Get a Monzo card so you can see what you're actually spending on. Pick up some bar shifts if possible. If not, go through your house and sell shit.

What @MT2017 said.
Be determined, allow yourself ONE treat a week - when I'm being frugal I don't have any food out whatsoever, don't buy anything that isn't essential (e.g. clothes, biscuits, magazines, make up...), NEVER wander round the supermarket slightly hungry and without a list!!
LOOK at your bank accounts every few days even though it might be less scary not to!
Meal planning has revolutionised my food bill - literally halved it.
I find it works for me to have 3 frugal weeks and one more lavish one each month.

Of course you can run! I’ve joined a couch to 5k group for total beginners, everyone is a different size. Big, small, tall, short. I’ve never run in my life, until now.

Agree with some of the previous posts re the credit cards - arrange a balance transfer to a 0% deal so you're not paying any interest and cut up your cards so you can't fall back into using them again and repeating the cycle.

Exercise generally does/will make you feel better in the long run. Having a goal and reaching it can be really fulfilling and give you a short term purpose. Going by what you've said, it sounds like you need a bit of a confidence boost. You've said that running is a no go - it used to be for me too. I started going by myself in the dark (just felt a bit more comfortable, like noone could see me as daft as that sounds) and at first I couldn't jog from one lamppost to the next without stopping, but after a lot of persistence, stamina will slowly improve. If you eventually feel ready, a lot of areas have running clubs?

I know you're trying to save money, but could a gym membership be an option? You could go at quieter times and whilst it's daunting to begin with, when you see regular faces, you might start making a few friends and socialising a bit?

All in all, I feel like you need a big cuddle. Meeting someone comes with confidence and it sounds like yours has been shot down. Your best years are most certainly not behind you yet, it's all about finding ways to enjoy life again.

Just want to add with the others - your life is far from ruined!!

I think being single is very expensive at times as you go out to meet friends etc. but see if you can keep it to cheap for a couple months.

I will try to do the same! Chin up, chuck

You should get professional financial ( free) advice
Food bank referral
Semi crazy idea- My friend is a house/animal sitter could you do that very cheaply and crash at friend houses in between so you have no rent? Usually in really amazing houses but obviously gaps in bookings and takes time to build up repeat clients
Can you car share to work?
Find cheaper bill/rent situation

38 is very young indeed to be giving up, OP. From where you’re sitting now, it may feel like life has passed you by - but trust me, there’s a hell of a long way to go, and you still have YEARS and plenty of opportunity to turn things around.

I’ve felt just as hopeless as you (for very different reasons) and as though I’d failed to make anything of my life, but at age 52 I’m about to make some big (and frightening and exciting!) steps towards changing that. It’s never too late. Don’t waste your precious time and energy wallowing and feeling defeated.

You’ve had loads of brilliant advice and encouragement here so use it - get your head up, make a plan, take control of your life and see what the next year brings

Thank you,

Safety it’s not harsh at all, you are quite right. I find I have got myself in a mess and am just struggling to get out of it.

I actually walk quite a lot, but I’m so big that to be honest a bit of walking makes very little difference. I need to properly diet but struggle.

It’s really lovely of everyone to describe me as young, but honestly? I’m single, I’ve absolutely no prospects whatsoever, I can’t afford a baby alone and I’m not sure anyway I want that ... I’m not young!

I would definitely think about a bar/pub job. It will improve your social life, and earn you extra money. You should be able to clear your debt within a few months.