AIBU to ask what you’d do if you were me, as I am in a complete mess?

[Inacompletemess]

My life is in absolute chaos and I need help, but please be kind.

1. Money, I’m in debt up to my ears.

My take home pay is £2000

Rent - £450
Car finance - £270 (the agreement I have says I have to pay that whether I have the car or not, the car is needed for work so selling it isn’t sensible)
Loan - £280
Bills - £300
Car insurance - £75

In theory I should have around £600 left to play with. It soon goes on petrol and so on. Also, I have credit card debt of around £2000 and an overdraft of £700. Every month I am borrowing money from both to stay afloat. I’ve looked into getting a second job but it’s difficult as I already work full time.

1. Sad and lonely I’m chronically single. I’ve given up trying to meet someone to be honest. I regret not trying harder when I was younger. Most of my friends either married boyfriends they met at university or spent their twenties prioritising meeting someone. I stupidly didn’t do this and now I’m 38, alone and probably going to stay that way. I LOVE children and it really does hurt me so much to know I won’t have them.

1. Weight ... it’s fair to say this has never been easy for me. It’s probably why I’ve never met someone. I feel food is my only friend really - I don’t really have any friends any more and I only really look forward to eating, I managed to lose a stone about a month ago but have probably put it back on again in the last two weeks!

I am just feeling a bit desperate really. I wish more than anything I could rewind the last twenty years! But life doesn’t work that way of course.

You cannot go back but you can think how you want to reflect back in a decade's time.

THIS.

You come across as very all or nothing in your thinking, OP. Your situation does not sound fixed at all, you can have a lot of impact going forward and you've had some good advice on this thread.

It does involve changing your mindset though.

Can I weigh in on the man thing?you aren't with the people y ou had options with years ago for a reason. Anyone you know that only got with someone to not be alone will be as miserable if not more than a person who is lonely. The right person Mau be out there, or they may not, but there's no reason you shouldn't find someone, it's not written in stone how people find their fit! Also for body confidence I'd go to my local swimming pool. I go every Friday and while I don't have weight issues I've skin issues ( my legs and chest are purple and I always had a problem baring them. At your public swimming pool everyone is just there for their own goals and no one sees differences plus you come out feeling like a queen!!!!

Another vote for moneysavingexpert.
You'll have to tighten your belt and be very strict with yourself but you can turn this around.

@cannycat20 you've written some lovely posts. Hope they help OP.

I have known women who have been in a much worse situation than you,OP, who have turned things around so do not give up hope.

I would endorse going on to Martin Lewis’s Moneyfacts website and getting his weekly email as it is a mine if good suggestions for being frugal without feeling bad about it. The forum ‘’Debt Free Wannabe” is particularly useful for someone in your situation and other contributors give helpful advice and encouragement in reducing debt and taking back control of your life.

As for the weight, meal plan around healthy eating and get a cheap step counter to monitor your walking. Aim for the recommended 10,000 steps a day.

Good luck.

It sounds like you've reached a point where you need to make drastic changes to find more happiness.
Whether you think you can make drastic changes, or you can't, you're right.

You REALLY need to look at your bills if you are in a house share. 300 sounds too high for it.

First of all stop wallowing about your situation, you are where you are. IF you really up for change then you need to start looking at your solutions. First one being your finances. Plenty of advice given here on how to get it under control better so get up tomorrow morning fresh new day, Day 1 on your new journey and get going on sort your money out.

As for weight, I've been there but through intermittent fasting and controlling portions and cutting carbs I've gone from 19stone to 13 stone and kept it off for over 18months.

Your walkign but your not losing weight if your not watching what you eat. Its tough but you have to get disciplined.

End of the day no change will take place unless you are ready to really commit to making changes. So you need to have a hard talk to yourself are you really ready to do what it takes or do you want to stay as you are for the forseeable future.

I do wonder if you look at your weight same way like you look at your debt.
It's not great, but it's not massive

A quote from Galaxy Quest, great funny film, by the way
Never give up, Never surrender.

Keep going, keep walking. I once stopped dog walking so much ( dog was still walked) as some Doctor, said it made no difference to larger people.
He was an idiot, as any exercise is better than none.

Take back control of your life, in small stages.

Good luck, people wish you well 😀

OP if you really want something to change you just have to take the first step to make that change.

There is So much good advice on here but only you can follow through with action -even if it is only one thing per week for example. Otherwise nothing will change.

You seem to be seeing only negatives when most posters can see the positives and hope in your situation - only a few small changes will make so much difference.

Because you seem very overwhelmed and are possibly depressed, perhaps speaking to your GP or a counsellor should be the first thing to do before everything else.

Your debit is only one month’s salary! That’s not huge at all. Some people have 20, 30, 100k of debt. How would that feel? Be positive!

How much is your car worth and how much do you owe on it op?

I've been stuck in the past OP, one thing that really helped me frame my life was something my sister, who's an absolutely driven 'doer' said to me years ago was, 'that time will pass anyway, you may as well spend it doing something useful'.

I'm paraphrasing her, but what she meant and what I took from it was, that it's pointless to get stuck, if you do nothing about it, you'll still be stuck years down the line and in exactly the same place, those years will still have passed and the longer it goes on, the more intractable it becomes so there's no better day than today to do something different.

At around the same time a friend of mine who's a psychiatrist told me that 'Wherever you go, there you are'.

Those two bits of wisdom together, trite as they may seem really helped me centre myself and move on from my funk.

A long time ago now, and my life's very good. But I know what it's like to feel stuck and alone. Change is absolutely possible.

Just some encouragement @Inacompletemess

I am a 26/28. I did C25k and can now run 5k. The app is free and so is going for a run

I look at your life and I see so much opportunity! Your evenings are free so you can join some clubs and meet people. Find a diet you like, take up C25K (it’s for people who ‘can’t run’)... there is so much you can do!

As for having a family, you’re not too late. I was single at 38 now I’m happily married with 2 DC.

Hang in there, OP. Your life has SO much potential.

I think a second job in a pub / hotel / cafe type thing would be good for you. More money and more chances to meet new people.

The debt will then reduce more. Honestly that isn’t a lot of debt on your salary. At all. I’ve been in situations with £20k of debt on a similar salary and in the end you just learn to ignore it really. You pay off what you can and have to forget about it. Your debt doesn’t define you or say what kind of person you are - mine was due to my now ex dh leaving me and struggling to manage and afford house repairs with no savings.

You’re not a bad person and yes late 30s isn’t a spring chicken but it’s not old either! Plenty of time to find someone and have a good life together.

It must just be me then ... I honestly am not seeing it at all.

Jobs in pubs and so on go to students here. I am looking into getting a second job though. It is partly the debt but more that my credit is rubbish so buying a house and saving is out of the question. Plus we’ve seen a bit of it here when you say you are single people think you are loaded. I do feel a bit better about the debt though so thanks

There just really aren’t clubs, I don’t know any clubs at all!

It’s difficult to explain. It isn’t that I want to feel bad or that I want to waste my time. But I don’t see alternatives. I am ugly, broke and unsuccessful.

You've mentioned needing a dramatic life overhaul but while I appreciate that you want to see big changes, things like paying off debt and losing weight can only come about with steady and continuous effort. You may be depressed though, if that sounds impossible... Please tackle that first if so.

On £2k a month and fairly low outgoings, I promise you can clear your debts, build up some savings and live comfortably. Good luck.

That’s very true re slow changes

Maybe, but you have another 38 years ahead of you, give or take. You have time to turn things around for yourself.

Perhaps start by not hating on yourself. Give yourself a break and start making small changes.

Can you move to be closer to work so you don’t have travel costs? You say you have to pay the car lease regardless of whether or not you keep the car but there must be a break clause or and end to the contract at some point? Can you move somewhere that would allow you to walk to work so that you get exercise?

You say there are no adult social clubs where you live, only toddler clubs. Are you sure? I’ve never loved anywhere where there were no clubs/activities for adults. Perhaps another reason to move house.

Also, go to your GP for advice and help to lose weight and also mental health support. You sound depressed and need support.

Is there a weight watchers near you? That would help you to lose weight and meet people.

Moving closer to work would be incredibly expensive, honestly - it’s an extremely expensive city (not London.)

I don’t know re adults, certainly everything I have seen has been aimed at mothers and young kids. Or elderly people. Plus, I don’t really want to be going to things just for the sake of going iyswim.

2k pay that's loads. Shop around for cheaper bills. Check that you haven't over paid your bills. Normally twice a year I check my account an I am in credit and ask for it back etc. Water gas and electric
Do you have the discount for council tax if you are living alone
Who do you bank with re overdraft?
I had a 1400 over draft and now got it down to 830 as when I get paid I can lower it by 10 to 20 a month.

Can you check your credit rating for free online. Don't use credit expert. Use clearscore.com it also shows you cards and the percentage of chance of getting one. So see if you can get 0% interest and transfer over. But make sure you pay off before interest free ends or transfer to another card.

Download qmee. I use this and fill in surveys from 10p each up to 1.25. I can make up to £10 a week from this and pay it into PayPal. I then transfer it to my bank and pay towards one of my debts. It all helps. Also download mobrog. Same as qmee but can take payout when you get to £4. Not ally get up to £8 a week. This is if you are dedicated though to both apps.

Also download and sign up to mobileexpression. It's an app that collects data. You click the app once a week and you get 2 credits. When you get 20 credits you can choose a voucher. So every 2 months j get a 20 Amazon voucher. It's great.

Aldi/lidl is your friend. And meal plan. However I use Tesco online because I can see my basket and amount and adjust and use my ubcard vouchers. We are a family of 6 and spend about 140 a week in using cleaning and toiletries and nappies. And buy meat in bulk every couple of months and freeze that's on top of the shopping.

I also have a savings account and I transfer the left over pennies in my account every day. So if at 10pm I have xxx.98 I will transfer the 0.98 and save it. If it is needed I can transfer back again later but rarely do.

Don't buy take away coffees etc